


confessions should be [better] planned

by clumsyclouds



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Galaxy Garrison, Galra Empire, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Post-Canon, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Slow Build, klance is canon king, shit happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 08:09:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 79,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16036421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clumsyclouds/pseuds/clumsyclouds
Summary: It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He wondered if that was because he was dying or because he felt the pain from his memories. He decided firmly that it was both.





	1. those nights were [never] enough

**Author's Note:**

> hi! welcome to this new... project? my beta and i have been working on this for a while and we're so excited to finally let it out into the wild!
> 
> there will a new chapter uploaded every wednesday, so stay tuned and enjoy!

 

 

 

Those nights were all he got, and that was fine.

 

Those nights, spent in forgotten rooms, were alright with Lance.

 

Those nights where he could look at Keith, in his Marmora suit, bangs too long and eyes void of all light, seeming so far away, despite being right there, were enough.

 

Except, they weren’t. Because most of the time, Keith was too distant to even acknowledge the fact that Lance had just called his mullet a long, greasy mess. Instead, he’d just given Lance a sheepish smile and pulled his hood on. ‘Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry.’ Why was he sorry? What did they do to him over there?

 

Those nights, just the same as this one, were far from enough.

 

“Stop putting that hood on, you’re Keith while you’re here.”

 

“I’m Keith there, too.”

 

Lance shook his head in disagreement.

 

“No. Over there you’re a Blade, with your mysterious mask and your dark hood. Over there, you’re an agent, you fulfill the purpose of your mission. Nothing more, nothing less. Here, you’re family. So stop hiding.” Something flickered behind Keith’s gaze and he reluctantly took the hood off.

 

“Profound words coming from Lance, the goofball,” Keith teased, and it must’ve been worth it, ‘cause Lance pouted and a playful smile formed on Keith’s face.

 

“I can be ‘profound’ when I want to!” Lance directed a playful swing of his fist against Keith’s head, but as expected, Keith dodged away and jumped up on his feet.

 

“Try that again, once you beat my score on the training simulator.” Keith’s smirk was definitely annoying, and Lance wanted to punch that smirk right off his face. Definitely punch, and there _definitely_ wasn’t a warm feeling in his chest at being back to bantering with Keith.

 

He jumped up to his feet, hot on Keith’s trail as they began charging through the castle halls, inevitably being stopped by Shiro who told them off for waking everyone up. In which case, they’d return back to Lance’s safe place. A room with a panel that Coran had taught him to navigate. One that could display all the nearby galaxies all the way to Earth.

 

They’d sit down close, but not close enough, and watch as the stars gently spun around them. Lance would ponder his importance in this vast universe. How he, not even a speck of dust in proportion to the rest, had come out here, and been granted the burden and privilege of saving the universe. How his family was probably so far away, worrying sick about him, hoping he’d just come home soon. Lance wished he could.

 

Keith would wonder if his mother was out there somewhere, wonder why she’d left and what she was doing. Did she regret leaving? Did she ever care? Eventually the thoughts would progress to feelings of unimportance. Anyone could have ended up on Keith’s path, he wasn’t special, not really. Had his mother simply met another man and had a child with him instead, then Keith wouldn’t have been here, probably not even existed.

 

As they pondered their existence and the infinity of space, Keith’s communications device made a startling noise, it was loud enough to break whatever moment had just been going on between them. Keith’s eyes darted to the device, reading something on the small screen before placing it back in his belt.

 

“It’s Kolivan. They’re gonna leave in one varga.”

 

Those nights were definitely not enough.

 

“Can’t you just— Why—” Before Lance could stumble any further, Keith interrupted him and shook his head.

 

“I have to do this. I...I _have_ to do this.” With clenched fists and words hanging unsaid in the air, Keith left, leaving Lance alone with the stars. He was definitely too lonely for this universe.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Lance hadn’t meant for anyone to find him like this. He didn’t want anyone to find him moping over Keith. Stupid Keith, he hated him. He hated him for becoming his friend and then just fucking off, hated that Lance had stopped wanting to compete with him, and started to talk to him and hang out with him, which had even happened a couple of times. The fact that Lance was scared of being alone and Keith was pretty were completely unrelated.

 

Some nights they stayed up talking in either of their rooms about everything and nothing until they fell asleep. Lance’s heart fluttered every time Keith’s head lolled onto him. The way his black locks spilled out on Lance’s shoulder, making him want to drag his fingers through the mullet that had admittedly started to grow on him.

 

To get back to the point, he didn’t want anyone to find him so fucking pitiful over Keith leaving. God, just a few days ago they’d been hugging and talking into the wee hours, or whatever time it was. They’d completely lost their daily rhythm and were just going by their own exhaustion. Then he left, _again_. Meeting him every couple of weeks for a few hours wasn’t enough, dammit!

 

Despite not wanting to be seen, Pidge came into the room. He didn’t think anyone even really knew about this place, but there she was.

 

“Leave me alone,” he whined, pout remaining on his face.

 

“I’m sad, too,” she said and sat down across from him, still giving them both some space. Lance sighed and let one of his legs spread out while the other remained pressed against his chest. He leaned his head on his knee.

 

“I’m not sad.”

 

Pidge snorted, which only made Lance frown, about to retort with something, but what was the point? She knew _exactly_ what the issue was. She just didn’t know that Lance had major feelings for Keith. Though, if he were to be honest with himself, Pidge probably knew about those too.

 

“I wish he never left, too,” she said and sighed deep and heavy, sinking further against the wall. Lance was too deep in thought to acknowledge what Pidge had just said.

 

“I’m pissed, in a way.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah. I just...feel like….” He hesitated before speaking, but she either already knew or would find out somehow anyway. “I have feelings for him. Like…a lot, and it’s pretty gay.”

 

Pidge giggled, which was Lance’s intention. It was too serious a conversation to have right now, with her. It just wasn’t like them. He noticed her fiddling with the pad she’d held in her hand when she entered, but paid it no mind and continued talking.

 

“And it’s like, I hate him too, obviously….”

 

“Obviously,” Pidge countered.

 

“But you know…he’s a good friend, and I didn’t think I’d miss him so much…but I do. You know, just when I thought we were finally beginning to get along, like really, not just as teammates, but as…more…he just leaves.”

 

“I know. I miss him, too,” she said, and Lance noticed that she’d in fact been filming. That little fucking gremlin. He decided not to care, it’s not like she would do anything with the footage. He trusted her.

 

For the most part.

 

“I’m happy for him though. Like, in the end, when it comes down to it, I’m happy for him. He’s doing what he wants to and I, as his friend, have to support that.” It sucked to face reality, but that was it. The reality was that he truly just wanted Keith to be happy, and even if he didn’t like it, he needed to support his friend.

 

“He’ll come back, you know.”

 

“I know.” Lance’s face turned into a smirk as an impulsive idea turned up in his head. He was _so_ going to regret it later.

 

“Keith, if you’re watching this, ‘cause I know Pidge is filming this— she thinks she’s sneaky. Hah! I’ll always have your back, and your mullet is ugly and you stink and also, thanks for being a really good friend when I needed one, and also you’re hella cute. Like, phew.” Pidge snickered behind the camera, and suddenly he didn’t trust her so much. Lance turned towards her, face now twisted into one of concern.

 

“You’re gonna delete that, right?” he asked, squinting at Pidge.

 

“Y-yeah,” Pidge squeaked.

 

“Did you already send it?”

 

“No….” she said. Lance’s eyes widened as he charged up from his position on the floor.

 

“I’m gonna kill you!”

 

That video hadn’t been sent anywhere, Lance knew that, but Pidge was mean for trying to trick him into thinking she had. Not to mention the fact that everything he’d said was really embarrassing. And if by some chance Keith ever found out, Lance would literally jump out of the airlock.

 

Despite being terrified of Keith seeing that video, a distant part wondered if there was a chance for reciprocation, had it been sent.

 

He realised that no, there really wasn’t, but it didn’t stop him from falling deeper into his feelings, all while missing him far too much for his own good.

 

He was gonna scream.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

The next time they saw each other, it was through a communications link that Keith had managed to create. Kolivan would probably have his head for it, Lance imagined, but it also made him warm to think that Keith missed them so much he risked getting into trouble.

 

“So, how’re things back at the Castle?” Lance was still surprised from when his face appeared on the screen. How would he remember everything that they had all wanted to tell him? Should he tell the others about this link? No, Lance thought. Just this once, he wanted to be selfish. Besides, it was way too late to wake anyone up, and the only one up was probably Lance. Keith knew this, he must’ve. So maybe, just maybe, he called Lance specifically.

 

“A lot…. Coran got infected by a space worm, and he had us put on these crazy promotional shows for Voltron and the Coalition. I swear to God, we almost got killed.” His head rested heavy on his hand. He was exhausted, yet he couldn’t go to sleep.

 

“I saw a couple of them…. You’re…bendy?” Lance wasn’t sure if it was Keith’s attempt at flirting or just a teasing remark. He assumed it was the latter. It was easier for both of them, but just to make sure that Keith’s comment didn’t go unpunished, he’d flirt back, if only just to wind Keith up.

 

“Oh, I didn’t know you paid such attention to my legs, Keith. This has definitely taken a turn,” he mused, looking into the camera with that shit-eating grin, eyes full of mirth and challenge.

 

Keith simply hid his face into his hands, attempting to sound angry, but if anything, he just sounded embarrassed.

 

“I...I wasn’t looking at your legs, you ass!”

 

“So, you were looking at my ass?”

  
“No! You’re so annoying, can you just lay off?” They both laughed through the awkwardness, but it was genuine. Lance liked seeing Keith’s face turn red and flustered. Even in the dark of his room, Lance could see his cherry face and grey eyes. Something in him softened. Behind all of that he also saw far too prominent cheekbones, a hollowness in his eyes, bangs that were falling too far into his face and that stupid hood.

 

“Are you safe?” he asked, his voice low now.

 

“I…I’m okay.” Lance wasn’t convinced. It seemed too forced, too insincere, like a rehearsed line he’d practiced in the mirror. Lance was familiar to that tone.

 

“I didn’t ask you if you were okay, ‘cause I know you’d lie to me. I asked you if you were safe. Are you taking care of yourself? Do you at least _try_ not to die on missions?” His tone was light and almost playful, but Lance was serious. Keith was too important to the universe, to Voltron, to the team… _to him_. Keith looked like he was about to reply, but an alarm went off behind him. His eyes diverted to the back wall, there was a curse under his breath. Lance scoffed.

 

_Saved by the bell, huh?_

 

“I have to go. I’ll call you when I’m back.”

 

Lance nodded, and before he even got the chance to say goodbye, the monitor went dark and his back slumped against the bed.

 

He should have never let Keith go….  
  
-

 

-

 

-

 

In the Marmora headquarters, Keith had just gotten back from his mission. He was exhausted and he wanted nothing more than to ping in with Lance. Before he got the chance, Kolivan stopped him in his tracks, asking him to follow.

 

They ended up in the medbay and Keith sighed deeply, getting onto one of the cots. He knew that Kolivan had been obsessing over him getting his physical. Keith had never seen the point, but today he complied, seeing as every possible spot on his body was pulsing with pain.

 

“You were severely injured today.”

 

“So?” Keith asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Recklessness will get you nowhere.” Ah, this was Kolivan attempting to care. Not that he could wrap his head around why. Keith was just another one of the agents, one of the many Blades. Mission over individual. It had been drilled into Keith’s head well enough.

 

“Just doing what I’m supposed to, Kolivan.” They looked at one another, a challenge. Kolivan cared about Keith for some reason. He couldn’t begin to understand why. Everyday he’d been hearing the same stupid speech about how the mission was more important than the individual. It was annoying, but had stuck with him. So, who cared if he was a bit reckless? At least he accomplished his missions.

 

“So jumping in front of Jaenax was not recklessness but, in fact, putting the mission over an individual?”

 

“Exactly. Jaenax had vital information, I didn’t. Ergo, my death would have protected the mission. That’s what it is to be a Blade, isn’t it? Now, just do what you have to do, so I can leave.”

 

“Watch your tongue, boy. You are being too disrespectful toward your superiors.”

 

“Oh, so now I’m a boy? Just yesterday I heard something about me having to stop acting like a boy when I am, in fact, a grown man. Make your mind up, Kolivan,” Keith grumbled as he got disinfectant washed over his cut. Fuck, it always stung like a bitch.

 

“And what of your family? Have you no regard for them? How they would cope with you dying on one of these missions?” This whole conversation was infinitely more confusing with every word he said. Why was Kolivan suddenly acting so weird? He’d never been angry with Keith for risking his life. Sure, if he was risking his life trying to save someone else and not the mission, but in every other case, Keith imagined that Kolivan would’ve agreed that his life was worth risking for Jaenax’s.

 

“So I’m supposed to care that they would be sad if I died, _more_ than the _mission_ I am tasked with?” Keith asked, eyebrow raised. His voice was snarky, he knew that, but Kolivan was acting weird. And if Keith didn’t like his authority figure, he would make sure they knew it.

 

“No, you fool. They _are_ the mission! What do you imagine it would do for Voltron if one of their paladins died?”

 

“I’m not a paladin anymore.”

 

“At this moment, yes, but do you expect to die out here with the Blades?”

 

Keith went quiet, anything other than a ‘yes’ was a lie and they both knew it all too well.

 

An annoyed sigh came from his superior as he massaged the bridge of his nose. “If you want me to put it simply, then I will. If you die out here, your family will never forgive themselves. They will lose focus on Voltron in their grief, and if Voltron loses focus, so does the rest of the Coalition. If the Coalition loses focus, then the universe is doomed, and it will not be long before all goes back to the way it was before. Even simpler, we need agents who value the mission over the individual, not unstable, suicidal fools who will leap at the chance to die.”

 

The bandage was fastened around his midriff after applying a healing ointment and being given some sort of shot. Probably a painkiller. His smaller wounds were disinfected.

 

“Now go back to your quarters and get some rest. You will need your strength.”

 

Keith hopped off the cot, doing his best to walk normally. It didn’t hurt horribly, but there was still a dull, fading pain.

 

“You speak too lightly of death, young one.” Keith paused for a moment, not turning around. He clenched his fists and made his way back to his room quickly. Avoiding anyone in his way.

 

Despite having been taken care of and despite the physical pain having dulled down there was still an ache in his chest. Everything that Kolivan had said gave him a lot to think about. For one, he’d never heard of anyone talk about his team as his ‘family’ except for himself and the actual team.

 

He also thought about how they would react if Keith died. Did that make him want to stop being a so called ‘unstable, suicidal fool’? Definitely not, but it did make him wonder. Would it really bother them that much? He’d never felt very special. Always felt like a roadblock, really. An obstacle. He was stubborn, not a very good team player, hotheaded, untrusting… Then he remembered how they all said that they would follow him into battle. Behind him, with Keith as their leader. The Black Lion _chose_ him.

 

No.

 

Even if they would follow him, even if the Black Lion chose him, that didn’t make him a good leader. They were biased, and maybe he had the potential to be a leader, even a decent one, but that didn’t mean that he was ready. That didn’t mean that he was _supposed_ to be one. Being with the Blade of Marmora was exactly where he was meant to be. He did some good and he didn’t have to create conflict between the unbalanced amount of paladins versus lions.

 

The following night was filled with anything but rest. It consisted of holding the communications device in his hands, thumbing the button, but never really deciding if it was worth it. Worth having someone notice that something was wrong. All of them were too perceptive. They would see right through his facade, and he would have to avert their prying gaze the rest of the call.

 

The night consisted of pacing back and forth in his room until the person in the room next to his slammed their fists on the wall. They told Keith to shut the fuck up before they came in and punched his sorry face to the next galaxy, which was probably fair.

 

The night consisted of wracking his memories for everything that he did wrong. Everything that lead him here. Because maybe, he was here, not on a quest of self-discovery. Maybe, just maybe, he was here as a punishment, when the only thing he wanted was to be close to the people he loved.

 

Eventually, as it always did, all of Keith’s trains of thought eventually lead to Lance. He was afraid to call it a crush, afraid to call it anything, really. Love was dangerous in war, especially when Keith had now so perfectly distanced himself. He flinched as he realised that he was implying that there was love between them. He didn’t dare to do something so bold.

 

What he did dare to do was to pick up the communications device and call Lance. He knew that he would be the only one awake right now. And in his lovestruck daze, all he wanted to do was talk to him, to see his face. Maybe for some kind of reassurance. Of what, he was uncertain.

 

_Beep._

 

_Beep._

 

_Beep._

 

_Beep._

 

_Beep._

 

_Be-_

 

“Keith?”

 

“Lance.” It was comforting. Keith found solace in watching Lance’s blue eyes swim over his screen, watching. It also made him wonder what he could see, what his searching eyes had found in Keith.

 

“Why are you calling?” The question sounded a little bit discouraging. Of course, it was possible for Lance to just have been tired considering the fact that any sane person should’ve been asleep. Except, Lance wasn’t a sane person. The joke made itself known with a small smirk on his face.

 

“I dunno. Just wanted to…talk? I don’t fucking know. Kolivan gave me some bullshit lecture and I’m far from you guys and I’m tired, and I should be asleep, but I can’t sleep.” In all honesty, the sincerity had surprised Keith. A part of him was worried that Lance would find it too much, a loner and closed off jerk suddenly opening up to him about his worries. But he knew that it was alright. He was talking to Lance after all. His right hand man, his teammate…. His best friend.

 

“Me neither. It was just a bit odd, you usually only call once a week on Kolivan’s briefing. This is the second time in three days and both by your own choice. Not that I mind, of course, uhm….” he replied after a long silence. Keith looked behind and beside Lance to try to make out his surroundings. It was probably his bedroom, judging by the pillow behind his back. His eyes turned back to Lance and locked on. He searched for something, nothing and everything.

 

“You know you can tell me anything that’s going on, right?” he added.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Keith replied, looking down into his lap.

 

“Then would you mind telling me why you’re hiding under that stupid hood?”

 

He hadn’t even realised that the hood had almost completely covered his face while looking down. He didn’t even know why he always kept the hood on. It was stupid, so he took it off. Though, definitely not because Lance didn’t like it. Oh, who was he kidding? It was definitely because Lance didn’t like it.

 

“Better?”

 

“No.”

 

Keith looked up and found Lance biting the inside of his lower lip. He wanted to reach through the screen and tell him to stop. Run his thumb over Lance’s lips and smooth out all the worries and wrinkles and frowns. He wished that Lance would stop worrying about him. There was nothing to worry about. He was alive, and that was enough, wasn’t it? Obviously, Lance wanted to say something. He’d been wanting to say something ever since Keith had visited last time and he’d been acting strange before that, too. Ever since Keith left for the Blade, Lance had acted differently. It was weird, in his opinion.

 

“Listen, Keith, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…. Ugh, I don’t know where to start.… I guess…what I’m trying to say it that ever since—”

 

“I heard that we’d be coming to the Castle, now that your shows are done. Apparently, we’re gonna be planning an attack?”

 

Pleading eyes met confused ones. Words were too much here, required too much vulnerability. Whatever Lance was going to say would throw him off balance. He needed to keep his head cool, focused, detached. Just until this war was over, in which case they’d all probably go back to Earth and Keith would leave, unnoticed and quiet. Maybe go looking for his mother? They wouldn’t need him anymore.

 

“Yeah, I heard something about Naxzela. It’s apparently this really important planet for the Empire. It’s like, the last in this line of freed planets, and then there are a few smaller planets still occupied. So if we could secure Naxzela, we would have a third of the Galra Empire down.” Lance scratched the back of his neck, looking everywhere but Keith.

 

“Heard that, too. Kolivan has been wanting to attack it for a long time. He’s just never had the right manpower, until now.”

 

The conversation continued in this manner for a few more hours. Every silence was filled with Lance staring at him for too long and Keith wondering what he had wanted to say. Maybe it was childish, to avoid the topic like he did. He thought about asking Lance about it, but instead he sighed and said something about needing some sleep.

 

“See you in a few days, mullet.”

 

“Yeah. See you….”

 

The screen turned dark, leaving Keith with nothing else to do, other than pondering past mistakes, that is.

 

 

 


	2. leap of faith

 

 

 

_ Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _

 

How could he have even thought about saying anything to Keith? It wasn’t necessarily because he was afraid of rejection. Not only, anyway, because,  _ God _ , Lance was terrified of rejection. Of losing one of his most cherished friendships, of losing Keith entirely. He wanted Keith to know how he felt. Every time he looked at those sunken cheeks and that stupid,  _ stupid _ hood, he wanted to scream at himself for not stopping this. Keith wasn’t okay, he wasn’t safe. Yet, he didn’t press further whenever Keith avoided the topic. He should have pressed further, convinced him to stay. God, he’d missed Keith so much while he was gone.

 

Then, Lance remembered that it was war. 

 

Whatever Lance had said, be it about Keith coming back, about his stupid fucking feelings for him or anything important, wouldn’t have helped. Life had dealt them their hand, their role to play, and for now Keith had this part to play, even if it sucked. He was a Blade of Marmora, a rebel, a soldier, and most likely extremely needed there in this fight for Naxzela, too. 

 

Time for conversations could come after. 

 

When Keith arrived, Lance was the first to run up and embrace him, and in return he received an equally enthusiastic hug. If it had been up to him, he would’ve hugged him for the rest of eternity. He could hear everyone (except Hunk, where the hell was he?) snickering, much to Lance’s dismay. He didn’t back away.

 

“Get a room! But first, let me have a look at him,” Pidge said, pushing Lance aside and jumping up into Keith’s arms, toppling them both over.

  
“Hi, Pidge,” Keith said. His hand went up to her head, cradling it, and Lance could see by the barely-there tears that he’d missed her immensely. They stayed like that, with no plans of letting go, until Shiro interrupted them.

 

“Pidge, let him breathe.” She stuck her tongue out at Shiro, but complied and Lance almost felt like everything was back to normal. Except, of course, for Keith’s all-black suit and the Blades standing around. It was like a dream that was just a little bit wrong. Perfect, yet not quite. 

 

Pidge helped Keith up and Shiro immediately caught him in another hug. Keith relaxed and let his face remain buried in the crook of his neck. Then, through the doors, came Hunk. His eyes widened and an ear-to-ear grin graced his face as he ran up to the two, hugging them both.

 

“I missed you so much, buddy. Everybody, get in here! I’m calling for a group hug!” Lance smiled and complied, feeling Keith wrap an arm around his waist as well as Shiro’s. Pidge, Allura, and even Coran jumped in. It felt like home, felt like family. For the briefest moment, he didn’t feel homesick. For a moment, it felt like he had everything he’d ever need right there in that group hug.

 

Then, Kolivan made himself known.

 

“I don’t mean to interrupt your greetings, but we have business to attend to. And the faster we get it over with, the faster you all can get to ‘hang out’ with Keith. So, I suggest we get to business.” Allura stepped back and nodded, her posture going back to that of the diplomat instead of the friend. 

 

“I suppose you’re right.”

 

The meeting progressed as usual, briefing and debriefing, planning and discussion, diplomacy. A sense of hopelessness right before the sense of hope. The meeting ended on a high note. Everything had been planned out, and if it went right, if they could secure Naxzela, this would be a  _ huge _ victory for the Coalition and a massive loss for the Empire. 

 

“I think this concludes the meeting. Thank you for all the efforts put here today. We will contact the Coalition members and make sure that they are aware of the plan. The Blade of Marmora are welcome to stay here, we have prepared sleeping quarters on the lower deck. Coran will show you the way. Thank you, again.”

 

“Thank you for your hospitality, princess. We are honoured to be your guests.”

 

Allura smiled politely in response. Coran led them out, leaving Keith in the room with the rest of the team.

 

“So, I was a bit late to the reunion, but like, not because I overslept or anything. I was just kind of…baking a chocolate cake for you?” 

 

“You what?” Lance shouted. Chocolate? He didn’t even care if it was real chocolate or space chocolate. If it even tasted remotely like the real thing, Lance would jump at the chance to grab a bite. Keith’s face seemed to lighten up, as well. 

 

“H-How did you even get—”

 

“Oh, no biggie. Just went to the space mall to find the closest thing, and trust me guys, it’s good,” Hunk bragged, a satisfied smirk on his face. The rest of them didn’t wait a second longer to run to the kitchen, leaving Shiro chuckling behind them. 

 

After a lot of bragging on Hunk’s side, gratitude on Keith’s, and marvel on the other’s, they had all gotten a piece of the cake, which tasted more like chocolate than actual chocolate for some odd reason.

 

“Hunk, this is so good. Oh, my god,” Keith said, shoving another spoonful between his lips. He sighed, obviously content. 

 

“Yeah, I’m happy I did your favourite candy justice.” He sheepishly scratched the back of his head. 

 

“How did you know it was my favourite?” Keith asked, looking surprised. Lance looked at Hunk, as well.

 

“I remember your shack had like,  _ a lot _ of chocolate wrappers, but no other candy wrappers or bags. So, it was kind of a long shot—maybe you just had a chocolate phase, but I figured, y’know….” He looked uncertain, but Keith shook his head, assuring him that it was amazing. Lance saw something in his eyes, they were relaxed. He looked down at the plate before him and took the last bite. 

 

Everyone was bringing Keith up to speed on the recent events and he laughed along. Lance could see his eyes look a little bit brighter, as if the dark circles under his eyes faded just a little bit. He could still see the heaviness, but being back home probably helped, right? Lance hoped against all hope that Keith wanted to be here, to come back, eventually. 

 

“We miss you, a lot. You know that, right?” Hunk said. They had just simmered down after some silly joke Lance made. He felt his chest swell at the fact that they laughed  _ with _ him and not  _ at _ him. 

 

“Yeah, I know.” Keith looked down. He had a heavy heart and everyone saw it.

 

“Will you come back? I...I mean, after the war, or soon, or just like...now?” Pidge asked, chuckling nervously. It was a sensitive topic for them to discuss since Keith had so diligently avoided it whenever it came up. 

 

Lance wanted so, so badly to hear him say ‘yes’, to hear him say that he’d come back. Despite how much he tried to ignore the effects he’d suffered due to Keith’s step-back, he felt them. He felt them deeply. He felt his heartstrings tug everytime Keith looked at him with those soft eyes and fond smile. Or every time he looked sad, or when they talked about coming back to Voltron, or when he could see how his missions had completely drained him. He knew that the Blade of Marmora needed him, and Keith needed to find himself—or so he said, but it was killing him from the inside out. 

 

A while later, Pidge and Hunk left, claiming that they had some engineering problem in the turbines. Pidge shot him a glance and Lance glared back. Ever since they had their little talk, she’d been saying that he should tell Keith how he felt. Lance completely disagreed, of course, but she wouldn’t stop nagging. 

 

He  _ did _ wonder, though, if he should talk to Keith about it, but he just couldn’t. If it was fear of rejection, or because there was no point, or whatever it was…he just couldn’t. But he needed to say something. They were going out to a dangerous battle tomorrow after all.

 

So, there they were, alone in the lounge. Lance took a deep breath and turned his body to Keith who seemed to brace himself, holding his breath. Everything about him looked ready for a fatal blow. 

 

“This is gonna be dangerous.”

 

“Yup.” 

 

“This is one of the biggest battles of our lives.”

 

“Yup….”

 

“We might not make it out alive.”

 

Keith stayed silent before finally saying something. “I know.”

 

“But will you try?” 

 

It was meant to be a kind gesture, to show Keith how much he mattered. All Lance wanted was to express how much he cared, how important it was for him that everyone got out of this alive and well. Especially Keith. Except, it evidently didn’t come across that way. To Keith it seemed more like a warning, that blow that he’d been waiting for.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he barked, jaw clenching as he sunk further into his seat.

 

“It means that this is dangerous, and we could both...die, but we have a choice. Either we try to survive or we let ourselves be reckless.” 

 

Keith visibly tensed up and crossed his arms. These were all tell-tale signs of him closing off and Lance knew this. 

 

_ No, no, no. _

 

This wasn’t supposed to be an argument, it was just supposed to be a ‘good luck’ wish, but Keith had snapped and Lance didn’t have enough time to backtrack.

 

“Oh my god, don’t start.”

 

“Start what?”

 

“About me being reckless or some shit like that! I never  _ try _ to die, I don’t have a fucking deathwish! Why does everyone treat me like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing?” 

 

“No one is saying that! I’m not saying you’re reckless! Can we just—please…I don’t want to fight. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to—I don’t know, I’m sorry. I just wanted to say good luck, I guess,” he sighed, chest deflating. Why were these things so hard? 

 

There was a brief moment of silence that Lance’s head filled with every possible scenario that usually ended with him crying alone in his bedroom. Finally Keith sighed, which made Lance look up. Their eyes met for a second, before they both looked away into their laps.

 

“I’m sorry, too. I don’t know why I keep blowing up like that.”

 

“I’m not saying that you’re reckless, or that you have a deathwish, or that you don’t know what you’re doing…. You know that we all need you, right? Really bad.”

 

Keith shook his head. “You want me, you don’t need me.”

 

“Does it matter? You’re wanted here, your  _ family _ wants you here.” Keith’s breath hitched in his throat, his eyes slowly meeting Lance’s. Finally, he could see that he was afraid, hesitant, reluctant. Everything in him was pleading, begging for Lance to just drop it already. He almost looked terrified, even. If Keith really didn’t want to talk about it, then he wouldn’t push it further. He asked himself if he maybe should have, but they were on a battle’s eve. Lance was  _ not _ going to risk having their last conversation be words the he could come to bitterly regret.

 

“Just…come back to me.” 

 

“I…. Okay.…”

 

Conversation continued, and soon settled back into their familiar banter. It was nice to pretend for a moment that everything was alright. 

 

“Listen, I don’t care what you say. I, personally, know for a fact that Shiro watches anime. End of discussion!” Lance said, shrugging. He was convinced, there was no way that man  _ didn’t _ watch anime. Keith, however, didn’t seem so convinced.

 

“I’ve known him longer than you have and I  _ know _ he doesn’t watch anime,” he argued, crossing his arms. He had that small, almost invisible pout that he probably wasn’t even aware of. Lance wanted to kiss it. Despite his brain trying to shoo away the thoughts, they remained, taunting him, making him imagine how Keith’s lips would feel.

 

Shiro came in, interrupting Lance’s very homosexual train of thought. Lance waved Shiro over and waited for him to sit down before grinning Keith’s way. 

 

“Shiro, you watch anime, right?” Shiro turned to Lance with narrowed eyes, shifting between him and Keith. He almost looked afraid to answer, which was kind of hilarious. 

 

“How did you know…?” 

 

“HA! I  _ knew _ it! In your face, Keith!”

 

Keith turned to Shiro, feeling utterly betrayed. “How come I don’t know this, Shiro? Why didn’t I know that you watch anime, and how did Lance know?” 

 

“Because it just never happened to come up? Who cares? Why are you so upset about it?” Lance paused his victory dance to poke Keith’s cheek teasingly. Lance was probably seconds away from getting his finger bit off.

 

“He’s just mad that I was right about something and he wasn’t. Aww, poow baby Keef. Awe you upset?” 

 

“You’re both so immature and I’m leaving. I don’t even want my food goo anymore,” Shiro said, raising his hands in defeat and walking out. Lance didn’t really care, it was hilarious. He laughed, looking at Keith through eyes filled with tears of laughter.

 

“You know that you are about to lose your arms and probably your life, right?” Keith threatened with a raised eyebrow. He kind of did look pissed off, but not in that angry, actually offended way. No, this was just him being a sore loser. Lance laughed again and poked his cheek. 

 

“No, I’m not. We had a bonding moment, we’re best friends now, aren’t we?” His eyebrows wiggled as realisation dawned on Keith’s face. He squinted his eyes at Lance’s smug face. He was probably considering actual murder by now.

 

“Are you...you  _ do _ remember!”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Keith,” he teased, a wicked grin spreading across his face. Keith’s eyes widened. He stood up from his chair and Lance got ready to run. This was how he wanted to spend this night. Running around the castle, being threatened by Keith but knowing that it was all for show and Lance could stop, turn around and Keith would simply stand there. Maybe Lance could kiss him. It would definitely catch him off-guard. 

 

_ Are you fucking kidding me? Get a grip. _

 

“That’s  _ it! _ ” 

 

Aaaaand they were off, Lance was laughing the whole time. Even Keith, whenever Lance could sneak a peek behind him, was hiding a small smile. 

 

He took another look behind him only to stop when he didn’t find Keith anywhere.

 

“Keith? Buddy?” BAM.

 

He fell to the ground with a thud, finding that Keith had landed on top of him. Their chests were pressed tightly to one another's. He looked up with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“Are you kidding me?” Lance said.

 

“What?”

 

“So, you caught me. What are you gonna do?” 

 

Keith stared for a bit, eyes trailing down…to Lance’s lips? Mmph, in his wildest dreams. 

 

“Something.” 

 

Wow, okay, this sexual tension was going to kill Lance. Right now. He needed to get out, like, immediately. If not because of…well, the sexual tension, at least because he knew he couldn’t have Keith. Whatever they had right now wasn’t going to work. They were on two different fronts. Keith probably didn’t even feel the same way and Lance didn’t even know if he felt anything at all.

 

Okay, that was a lie. He knew  _ exactly _ what he felt for Keith, he’d known for a while. It had all built up ever since they met in the Garrison. Every interaction, every stolen look, tease, compliment, moment of trust, every crisis Lance had had to endure lead to feeling like this about Keith.

 

“Well, then do it or get off. You’re, like, suffocating me,” he said and pretended to try to push Keith off. Lance looked up at him and his demeanor changed instantly.

 

The smile disappeared and his body language closed off, bangs that were way too long (Lance should really do something about that, force Keith to cut his hair or something.) fell into his eyes again and Lance had to fight the urge to gently push them aside and put his fingers under his chin. He wanted so badly to kiss him, but even if he knew that Keith felt the same way he probably wouldn’t. That’s what you get for cowardice.

 

“Sorry.” Keith rolled off him and stood up, reaching a hand out to help Lance up. He took it and stood up. Keith smirked again, but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

 

“I should go to sleep, you should too. We have a lot to do, come tomorrow,” Keith said, patting his shoulder. He nodded in reply and they began slowly walking towards their rooms. Lance wasn’t sure that he would get even a wink of sleep. He needed to sleep, at least a couple of hours, but it wasn’t realistic. Not when he had so much on his mind. 

 

The walk to their room is silent. He didn’t know how Keith felt, but to him it felt…not awkward, but there was something in the air that prevented it from being comfortable. He had a lot on his mind that Keith ought to hear, things that took more courage than Lance possessed.

 

He stopped outside the door, looking at Keith who had already begun to enter his own.

 

“Goodnight, and good luck tomorrow.” His voice was soft-spoken and Keith must’ve felt how important those words were to Lance, because he smiled. It was tragic, somehow, but at least he was sincerely smiling.

 

“You too.” The door slid shut behind him and Lance went in as well. Lying down on his bed, as suspected, sleep wouldn’t come. He twisted and turned, not getting his body to relax. Everything felt uncomfortable and wrong. He tried putting on and off clothes to see if he was cold or warm or if they made him uncomfortable, but nothing seemed to help. 

 

He wondered briefly about Keith, probably sleeping, next to his room. Before…before Keith left, a couple of times, Lance had gone to his room when he couldn’t sleep. They’d talk and just keep each other company if sleep refused to take them. Could he still do that? Did that offer still stand? He really hoped that it did. 

 

He took a deep breath of courage and stood up from his bed, hesitating before leaving the confines of his room and standing outside Keith’s. Should he just go to his observer room, watch the stars until sleep claimed him? Go back to his own room and lie awake? Wander around the castle aimlessly? Maybe that would be a better option. Safer, more comfortable. Lance had had too many questions about him and Keith lately. He was afraid that Keith’s perception of Lance had changed too, and not for the better.

 

He didn’t have a chance to wonder very much longer, because the door whooshed open, revealing a tired, and honestly, quite nervous-looking Keith. His hair was strewn in different directions, pointing up and down and sideways like he’d been running his fingers through his hair for hours. Every feature of his face looked tired and exhausted. He looked distraught, then turned to surprise as he saw Lance.

 

“What are you doing here?” Keith asked.

 

“I...I was just gonna...I can’t sleep,” he squeaked and pursed his lips into a thin line. Escape was at the forefront of his mind, Keith was probably just going to get a glass of water, maybe he didn’t even remember their mutual, but silent agreement, or whatever it was. Had been.

 

“I was gonna come to you for the same reason.” It was awfully bold of Keith to just say it like that, but he would take whatever would come at him.

 

“Can I come inside?” Lance asked.

 

In reply, Keith stepped aside. Taking that as a ‘yes’, he went inside and stood awkwardly for a moment.

 

“What’s keeping you up?”

 

“Maybe the fact the we might all die tomorrow.” 

 

_ Wow, okay, Lance, that’s awfully cynical. _

 

“Yeah, I feel you.” 

 

There was another silence as Keith looked at him, eyes flitting up and down his face. Lance took a deep breath, trying to decipher whatever was going on in Keith’s head. Why he was looking at Lance with such confusion, such longing, such anticipation. He looked like he was about take a leap of faith. And he did.

 

He didn’t give either of them much time to think before Keith’s warm lips pressed onto Lance’s, sending him reeling. They molded together perfectly. Lance found that the other’s lips were soft, much softer than he’d expected. Oh god, they were amazing. The shock melted away without further delay. Finally, Lance kissed back.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah, 'slow build' i hear you yell in the distance
> 
> worry not, dear friends, this is merely the beginning


	3. crack & break and part ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but I still get to see your face, right?  
> and that's like nothing they can take, right?  
> so there won't be no feeling in the firelight  
> hoping this will be right  
> time to show your worth, child
> 
> an evening i will not forget - dermot kennedy

 

 

 

Lance was pressed against the wall, hand finding its way into the other boy’s hair, the second resting on his cheek, steadying them both. Keith’s hands had found a comfortable spot on Lance’s hips. This felt too good to be true, too practiced to be anything other than some kind of fantasy that Lance had made up.

 

Was he asleep?

 

He didn’t want to wake up.

 

Lance broke away for air, intending to continue, but this wasn’t a dream, it was real. The consequences were real.

 

“We can’t do this.”

 

“I know.”

 

“We need to stop this, now, before it’s too late.”

 

“I know.”

 

Silence.

 

None of them backed away, their eyes fixed on the other.

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

Keith paused, pondering what to answer.

 

“You said it yourself, we might be dead by tomorrow. I don’t want to regret anything. Can I just have you, please? Just tonight?”

 

Lance paused as well. Was this okay? Would it be worth it? Would he regret it? But for once, he decided that his worries didn’t matter. He needed this, if only once.

 

“Okay.”

 

Keith’s lips pressed back against Lance’s and they let themselves indulge for tonight. Backs pressed against walls became backs pressed against a soft bed.

 

Lance’s tongue gently teased Keith’s lips, asking for permission, slowly, experimentally. Nothing was certain or sure anymore. This was new, and the rush of it all gave him some well-needed courage. He gently bit down on Keith’s lower lip and the noise that he made was fucking beautiful. Their lips parted, only so Lance could trail kisses down from his jawline to his neck. If he was getting this once-in-a-lifetime chance he would make the most of it.

 

He wondered what it meant. Did Keith want more? Whatever feelings Lance thought Keith didn’t reciprocate…were they there? Then he remembered that Keith was still leaving. So he ignored whatever feelings that might’ve bubbled up, ignored the feeling of euphoria when Keith smiled at him, ignored how much he would want to hold Keith’s hand now and everyday onwards. Ignored the fact that he wanted this night to never end and took it for what it was.

 

Whatever it was.

 

After the initial surprise was over for both of them, Keith changed the pace. He moved on top of Lance, going slower, deeper, more deliberate. It was passionate heat, but it was also savouring what might be their last and first night together. Their last night alive.

 

It seemed that Keith wasn’t as inexperienced as he’d always imagined him to be. Somehow, Lance had imagined that Keith had never been with someone else. Maybe he’d kissed someone, had a crush, but nothing serious. This proved him dead wrong. He kissed like he meant it, like he knew exactly which buttons to press to make Lance whimper and ask for more.

 

A while later Lance was lying down with his head on the pillow, right next to Keith, they were turned on their sides, facing each other. The bed was small, so they weren’t really all that far apart, but they still somehow tried to stay away from each other. Not because they didn’t want to be here, but because they were still nervous. Or at least, that’s what Lance hoped.

 

He sure was nervous as fuck. He was afraid of blurting out something he’d regret, of overstepping some boundary, of losing this moment. This moment was all he would allow himself. He couldn’t lose it just for some stupid misstep.

 

“Is it okay if I...uhm,” Keith spoke, looking up at Lance. He began to slowly move closer, his legs touching Lance’s and his hands tentatively reaching out to his shoulder.

 

“It’s okay,” he whispered and adjusted, lying down on his back, letting Keith put his head on Lance’s chest, their legs intertwining. It was one of the most intimate things that he’d ever experienced.

 

“Keith, I just...I have to ask—”

  
“No, please. I can’t answer your questions. Believe me, I have a lot of them too, but...let’s not make things difficult. I never thought I would ever have the courage to do something like this, still not sure I do. So please, just shut up and sleep, here, with me. Just for tonight.”

 

Lance was left speechless, but he understood. This was going to be a one-time thing, that much was clear. So he let his hand nestle into Keith’s and gently stroked it, eventually managing to lull himself to sleep. He hoped Keith got some sleep, as well.

 

He woke up, but the bed felt cold, which made him realise that he was alone. He opened his eyes, looking around the room but found Keith nowhere. He didn’t know what he’d expected. It was awkward to wake up alone in a bed that wasn’t yours, though. Especially Keith’s.

 

The previous night shouldn’t have happened. It was a dream that escaped too easily and the pain in Lance’s chest wasn’t worth it. He should have just moped in his bed alone.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

He was a fucking idiot. A fool, that’s what he was. A disaster, you might even say. He fucking slept with Lance! Not _slept-_ slept, but _slept!_ Why had he done that? No, that wasn’t even the worst part! He’d kissed him, made out with him. Been intimate in some way with Lance.

 

He looked up at the sleeping boy. He looked so peaceful, so fucking beautiful. Keith wanted to wake him up and kiss him, but he couldn’t. This was a one-time thing, he promised himself. He couldn’t let any more of this continue. It wouldn’t work out. No matter how hard they tried, they would always be too far away, and this was war. He couldn’t handle losing a friend, so to even imagine losing a significant other was unbearable. He could still convince himself that they were friends. Except, friends don’t sleep in each others beds. Not like they did last night.

 

Keith managed to untangle himself from his arms without waking him up. He needed to get away before Lance woke up and they’d have to talk about this. He quietly padded out of the room and made his way to the training room, only to find a bunch of Blades already there. Wow, he’d forgotten about them all. Well, there goes that.

 

“Good morning.” Keith turned around, seeing Kolivan.

 

“Kolivan,” He responded, giving him a curt nod.

 

“We leave in four vargas. I am going to a final check-in with the princess. Get ready.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Kolivan raised an eyebrow but continued walking. Four vargas left. It felt like so much time, yet too little. He decided to go to the lounge, maybe he’d find Pidge or Hunk lying around. He hadn’t talked enough with them.

 

As he’d expected, they were in there. He half-hoped, half-dreaded that Lance would be there too, but he was nowhere to be seen.

 

“Keith! Hey, buddy!” Hunk said, smiling at him. Keith jumped onto the sofa.

 

“So, how did it go with Lance last night?” Pidge asked, trying to hide a smug smile.

 

Keith’s face flushed as he tried to come up with an explanation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

_Very good explanation, that isn’t suspicious at all, Keith._

 

“Pidge told me everything. We know you two hung out last night, in your room, and Lance never came out.”

 

How did they even find that out? Why did they both look so smug? So what? What did they think they know?

 

“So?”

 

“So, are you and Lance finally a thing?” Pidge asked, blunt as ever.

 

“What the hell do you mean ‘finally’? We’re not a thing. He just couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t sleep, so we just...talked.”

 

 _Uh-huh. Yeah, if talking meant making out and sleeping intimately close together._ He always kept supplying himself with those little tidbits and he _really_ didn’t need them right now. He knew how he felt about Lance, right? He wasn’t lying to himself, he was just being realistic.

 

“Okay, so, not yet. Told you, Hunk. They won’t get together until we get back to Earth, whenever that happens….”

 

“Nope, after Naxzela they’re gonna get together. I know it.”

 

Keith had to interrupt this pointless discussion, it hurt too much to know that it would _never_ happen.

 

“What you know, is next to nothing. So if you could stop making assumptions about your friends’ lives, that would be really great.”

 

Pidge didn’t look up from her computer as she clicked her tongue. “We’ll see who’s gonna know next to nothing, when you get back to Earth.”

 

“You’re insufferable.”

 

“And painfully right.”

 

Keith simply chuckled as he looked up at the ceiling.

 

“So, this is it. Well, not _it._ The war won’t be over, but it’s…”

 

“It could go to shit,” Hunk supplied. Keith made a noise of agreement.

 

Pidge looked up from her screen to look at them both. “Don’t.”

 

Keith ignored Pidge’s protest. “We could die tomorrow.”

 

The air grew solemn, none of them wanted it to end like this. None of them wanted this to be their last day, and it wouldn’t necessarily have felt like it unless Keith had kept reminding them.

 

“You’re not going to, though, and neither are we,” Hunk said, throwing an arm around Keith’s shoulder, to which Keith tensed up slightly, before relaxing. He’d missed them all. He just hadn’t realised how much….

 

“I know. I just wanted to say ‘good luck’, you know?”

 

“Yeah, we know,” Pidge said, smiling.

 

The air lingered with the fear of death, the sense that something horrible was about to pass.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith was leaving. Lance didn’t want to say goodbye, and he almost didn’t. He almost stayed in his room, moping for the rest of the day, letting Keith leave without saying goodbye. That would’ve been fucking stupid, because Keith hadn’t done anything wrong. They had never agreed to wake up together, or for this to be anything more than a one-time thing. So Keith had done everything right, by the book. Lance was the one who got attached, so he got his sorry ass out of his bed and went down to the hangar where all the Blades were getting back into their ships.

 

“Keith!” he shouted, seeing him already beginning to board a ship.

 

Keith turned around, sadness lingering in his eyes. It turned to surprise at seeing Lance. He ran forward, past the team and up on the ramp, arms already reaching out for an embrace. Lance wrapped his arms around Keith and held on as tightly as the other did him.

 

“Come back to me. Like you promised, okay? I don’t care about anything else, just come back to _me_ ,” he whispered. He felt Keith squeeze him back.

 

“Keith, we must go.”

 

“Promise,” he pressed, refusing to let go until Keith had promised.

 

“I promise.” And so, despite it being the last thing he wanted to do, he let Keith go. He stepped back and gave him a smile, hoping it covered up the fact that he was so fucking worried. The ship’s port closed, blocking Keith from sight. Then it flew out of their hangar.

 

Lance had a bad feeling about this.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

He didn’t have another choice. It was mission over individual. Especially Voltron over Keith.

 

_Always Voltron over Keith. They don’t need you anymore._

 

He could hear Matt screaming into his com-link, but he tuned it out. There was no other way. If he didn’t do this, Naxzela would blow up and kill everyone nearby. Kill Voltron.

 

He thought he wouldn’t mind dying like this, going out for the greater good, saving billions of lives. But he did mind. In fact, he was so fucking scared.

 

 _Coward_.

 

He didn’t want to die yet.

 

_Selfish._

 

He wanted everything to be fine, but what he wanted even more, far more than to not die, was for Voltron to be alive. Not to speak of the other solar systems that would be affected, countless lives. He needed to do this. He tried to remembered everyone he’d be hurting in his last moments.

 

He remembered his team, no, his _family_.

 

He remembered Shiro.

 

He remembered his promise to Lance.

 

He remembered Lance.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, hoping that it would reach him, and all of them somehow. Then he closed his eyes. Awaiting his last moments.

 

 

 


	4. i'm losing touch, i'm not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ceiling’s spinning and i think god is winning  
> cause i see my hands shaking and i cannot make them stop  
> fish swim so quickly, i feel so fucking guilty  
> and i miss all of my friends  
> please, where did they go?
> 
> spaceland - chloe moriondo

 

 

 

“He did what?” Pidge yelled. Lance’s fist clenched at his side, nails pushing harder and harder into his palm until he almost broke skin. His tension moved to his jaw, teeth grinding together.

 

Matt’s solemn stare remained fixed on the ground. He knew Keith would never say anything to them and forget that it even happened at all. That’s why he was here, right? If Keith had any plans on telling them, he’d be the one telling them, not Matt.

 

“Where is he now?” Shiro asked.

 

“I...I don’t know, probably back with the Blade of Marmora. He kind of disappeared after Lotor came.”

 

_Always... You should know this by now. He’s always gonna run away._

 

“I’m gonna call Kolivan,” Shiro said and left the lounge, probably running to the bridge. Matt nodded and went to talk to Pidge. Lance simply stood there, looking down at the floor. If Keith had gone through with it, that is, if Lotor hadn’t arrived at just the right moment then he’d have succeeded in his mission. Keith would have died thinking that he did the right thing.

 

Lance didn’t know if he should be angry or sad or happy that Keith was even alive or what. He didn’t feel anything, or maybe he felt everything. He had no fucking idea. All he knew was that Keith had made a promise, and he broke it. He almost left, _again_ , but that would have been the point of no return. There would be no coming back from that. The thought raised another whirlwind of emotion that left him feeling more empty than before, however contradictory that was.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith sat in his room, every inch of his body shaking and trembling as he tried to stop fucking crying. They must all be so mad at him, Lance especially. He knew Matt would tell them all, which was the reason he tried to escape as fast as possible.

 

Their anger was too much to handle right now, didn’t want to have to face them, not yet. He messed up, he knew that, but he had no other choice. He couldn’t just let them all die. Let Matt die, let the rebels die, let his family die. No way. There was no time left and it was the only thing he could do.

 

“Keith, you have a call. I have patched it through to your com-device,” Kolivan said, opening the door. He could hear the cold apathy in his voice, the number one indicator that you’ve disappointed Kolivan. Keith felt like pure fucking shit.

 

“I’m not available,” he said, nose snotty from crying, making him sniffle.

 

“Yes, you are. Answer the call, that is an order.” After the door closed he wiped his tears, gathered some courage and tried to look somewhat presentable. There was no avoiding it anymore.

 

As he answered, he was met with all their faces. Lance stood in the background, looking empty, betrayed. He refused to look at the screen.

 

Everyone else just looked sad or like they pitied him. Pidge looked distraught, devastated. A lump formed in his throat and for a moment he was sure that he’d throw up.

 

“Keith...hi,” Allura said.

 

“Hey...” he replied, “look...I...uh—”

 

“Yeah, no, not gonna happen, we are so not having this discussion over a fucking com-link. Keith, you are going to get your ass over here so we can talk to you eye-to-eye,” Lance snapped, his eyes appearing tired as they finally rose to the screen. That was Keith’s fault. He did that. He put that hurt in his face, in all of their faces.

 

“Would it be possible? Would Kolivan let you come here? That really would be the best solution,” Shiro said.

 

“I don’t fucking care if Kolivan says no, I’ll go get him myself if needed. So Keith, you go talk to Kolivan and make sure you’re here within the next day, or so help me—”

 

“Lance, calm down! You’re upsetting him, and _you’re_ upset, too. Just relax, buddy. We can all talk this out when he’s here. You can come here, right, Keith?” Hunk asked, looking up hopefully at him. Keith saw Lance leave the bridge in the background.

 

“I...I’ve been taken out of commission, so...I can leave right now and be there tomorrow.” His eyes averted to his lap, head bowed in shame.

 

“Okay. Then, we’ll see you tomorrow,” Shiro said, to which Keith nodded. The link ended and before Keith could stand up to do anything else, he cried. He messed up so bad.

 

-

 

-

 

\-   

 

Lance didn’t even want to see Keith right now.

 

Okay, that was a lie. He really wanted to see Keith. Like, _really_ wanted to see him. He was fucking fuming, but he felt more betrayed than angry, really. He couldn’t, for the life of him, understand why Keith had pulled that shit right after promising to come back.

 

“He’s here,” Hunk said, opening Lance’s door.

  
“Here-here or castle-here?”

 

“Castle-here.”

 

“Tell him to come to me after he’s talked to everyone else first. I need some time to gather my shit or I’m gonna fucking scream.”

 

Hunk nodded, but waited before closing the door. “Are you okay? Do you need to talk about it? We can hug it out if you want to?”

 

Lance chuckled, weak as it was, and shook his head. “No, but thank you. Heh, raincheck? Might need it later.”

 

“Sure thing, buddy.” Finally, he left. He was so grateful to have Hunk in his life.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith docked the ship and braced himself for all the yelling he was probably about to endure. His feet were heavy as they slowly approached the doors. What would happen if he just didn’t leave? If he just stayed there until they came in for him? At least he’d be avoiding it to the last minute. No. He needed to be mature about this. He pressed the button to his right and the doors opened. Slowly he trudged out to find everyone but Lance and Hunk there. His feet touched the floor and strangely, it grounded him. They all seemed to hold their breaths, waiting for someone to make the first move. Keith was already beginning to calculate what would bring the least anger, all with little success.

 

“I hate you,” Pidge said, wrapping her arms around him. She closed her eyes, hugging him tightly and although Keith was surprised at first, he hugged back as not to make a fool of himself. He couldn’t believe that he almost lost the chance to meet her again.

 

“I’m sorry,” was all he said. What else was there that could make sense of all of this? Or explain it? Words failed, in these circumstances. She released him and wiped her eyes, looking down and leaving the room, steps quickening as her hands reached up the her face.

 

“Allura, Coran, would you mind giving us a moment?” Shiro asked. They nodded sympathetically. Coran placed a hand on Keith’s shoulder and squeezed without saying a word, then he left and arm slung around Allura’s shoulders. He looked disappointed, or perhaps sad. Everything about him wanted to just fucking leave, take it all back. He wished he could do it all over again.

 

“You should know that the rest of the team are really angry with you.” Shiro said, Keith briefly looked up to see how angry _he_ was, but the look in his eyes was more solemn, stone-cold, grey.

 

_I’m so sorry, please, believe me. I’m sorry._

 

“Are you saying that you’re not?”

 

“No, I’m angry too, don’t go and get the wrong idea. I just want to know why you did it. What made you think that it would be a good idea, for even a moment, to do that? You could have done anything, but you decided to risk your life. No, not even risk it, end it. Did you think it would make you a hero? Did you expect to be praised for how noble you were while dying? Did you want to turn yourself into a martyr? Or did you just want to die?”

 

Keith’s breaths sped up as he looked down, crossing his arms and taking a step back. How could Shiro think he did it for praise? Did he really seem that selfish to everyone else? He supposed that it was a logical assumption if you had no idea of— No, he hadn’t tried to do any of it for his own gain or for his own purposes. He just wanted to save some lives.

 

“No, of course not. Shiro, you know me. I don’t care about being a hero, I just wanted to save everyone, and that was the only way to do it,” he said through gritted teeth.

 

“Bullshit! That was _not_ the only way! You could have done it differently!”

 

“I didn’t have the time! Fuck, Shiro, there was _no fucking time._ The rebels were about to be shot down, the planet was gonna blow up, you couldn’t be contacted and so—”

 

“Oh, so this is Voltron’s fault?” he interrupted. What the hell was wrong with Shiro? He kept jumping to these crazy conclusions. It felt like he was actually _trying_ to provoke him, and it was kind of working. No, this was a time where Keith’s head _needed_ to stay cool.

 

“What? No! I just stated the facts. I wasn’t trying to shove the blame on anyone! The shields were impenetrable with our weapons and I did what I had to!”

 

“Mission over individual, right? Jesus, Keith, I should have stopped you from joining the Blades as soon as you found out about them. I should have seen it coming! What else have they taught you, huh?”

 

“Why does it have to be anyone’s fault? _I_ did this! _I_ fucked up, Shiro, _I know_! Can you please just get off my back? Please? There’s nothing I can do to justify it. I did what I did and I’ll have to live with the consequences. Stop trying to pin it on anyone but me!”

 

“I know it’s your fault! I’m just saying that you weren’t suicidal before you went to the Blade of Marmora!”

 

“I’m not fucking suicidal, I was scared! Can you just...please.” His voice broke at the last word. The words truly sank in. Keith Kogane was scared, no, scratch that, he was _terrified_ of losing them all.

 

“I was so fucking scared. I know everyone is angry with me, I just—I just need some...some comfort. Can you please just hug me?” he asked, that sense of throwing up was back, he feebly tried to swallow down the lump, but it remained. He never asked for comfort, but he needed it now, more than anything.

 

Something in Shiro must have softened, because the next thing he knew, he was being embraced by two strong arms. He hugged back, feeling a bit of his wall, his resolve crumble to the ground as if it were dust. Something had felt off with Shiro. He was so on the offense that it made Keith wonder what the hell was wrong with him. Of course, he’d just had the battle of his life, but this was different. He knew Shiro, and he wasn’t acting normal.

 

...But it was his brother. Keith trusted him. He would follow him to hell and back and knew Shiro would do the same, but this... He simply didn’t feel the same comfort. Feeling scared of more yelling or scolding. He just needed someone to understand him, comfort him, or at least listen. The embrace felt nice nonetheless.

 

“I need to go talk to the others.”

 

“You definitely do. Especially Lance. He was even angrier than me.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Good... Good luck,” Shiro said, smiling down at Keith and ruffling his hair. Keith gave a small smile in return before leaving the hangar.

 

How much he’d affected everyone was starting to really set in. Lance and Hunk hadn’t even shown up to see him, and if the call from yesterday and what everyone was saying was any indication, Lance was really pissed off. The look on Pidge’s face was one he never wanted to ever see again. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how she would have felt if he died. She already lost her brother and dad once, even if she found Matt. To lose someone she cared about again would have really hurt. Keith didn’t know that he had such a big impact on everyone. He thought he’d just be another casualty in the war.

 

While walking down the halls, intending to meet up with Lance, he instead bumped into someone else. The shape stopped his walking, making him look up into the other’s eyes.

 

“Hunk.”

 

Without saying anything the yellow paladin hugged him, Keith eventually hugged back.

 

“Don’t you ever do that again. It would have broken us. Do you understand me? I won’t yell at you, ‘cause I know Shiro tore you a new one, and Lance is about to do the same thing, and Pidge is probably still really upset, but I was really angry too, for a while.” They made eye contact as Hunk backed away and let Keith go for the moment.

 

“There was another way. There always is, you know?”

 

“Yeah. I know, Hunk.”

 

They looked at each other for a while, or rather, Keith met Hunk’s stare. It was intense, searching, like he was trying to really _see_ him. Finally, Hunk gave Keith a sympathetic smile and he gave one back. He was grateful to not get yet another yelling session, he could only handle so much.

 

“I’m gonna go talk to Lance now.”

 

“Okay, but just a warning. He’s, like, really hurt. You need to fix that. Or I’ll have to, you know, kill you or something. He is my best friend after all.”

 

“I’ll fix it. I will,” he said and continued walking down the hall. He tried to prepare himself for whatever Lance was going to throw at him, but he found that there was very little that he could do. He hurt Lance the most and he needed to face those consequences.

 

Finally, he stopped outside his door. For a brief moment he wondered if he should just go into his room and ignore all of this. But that would be cowardly and an insult to Lance, it would be an insult to their promise...that he already broke.

 

His hand reached up to knock at the door. It was quiet, but he figured Lance would hear it.

 

Silence.

 

Was he asleep or something? Was he even in his room? He must be. Keith knocked again, sharper, louder this time.

 

“Come in.”

 

Keith stepped inside to find Lance curled up on his bed, looking somewhere to his right, staring at the wall, seemingly lost in thought. He didn’t know what to say and the other looked like he had too much to say.

 

“Can I sit?”

 

Lance gave him a nod, but didn’t say anything else for a while. There was a distinct taste of bitterness and mistakes lingering in the air.

 

“I’m so angry with you. I don’t even know what to say, or where to start.” Lance’s voice was sharp like a knife, twisting and turning in Keith’s chest. It all kept repeating itself in his head. The fact that nothing could explain or make up for what he did.

 

“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t enough and Lance didn’t even acknowledge it as he continued ranting.

 

“I _knew_ you weren’t alright! I looked at you at every weekly meeting, when we met, through the com-link and I knew that you weren’t taking care of yourself! That’s the worst part, I knew.” Their eyes still hadn’t met, and Keith wasn’t sure if he was thankful or not. His mind was trying to process everything Lance had said, and he only got one thing from it.

 

“Are you...are you blaming yourself...?”

 

“No! Yes! Both? I could have done _something_. I knew that this was eventually going to happen. You would pull some bullshit that would kill you, or nearly kill you, and I could have said something, or done something!” Lance stood up from his bed, pacing up and down. Keith couldn’t do anything but sit and listen.

 

“But don’t think you’re out of the woods. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you think of the consequences at all? How much it would have hurt us, all of us? How Pidge would have lost another big brother? How Hunk would have lost a best friend? How Shiro would have lost his little brother? How Allura and Coran would have to mourn again, after losing so much already? She’d have lost another friend, heck, family member and Coran, the man sees us as his children, can you even imagine losing a child? Did you, even for a _second_ , think about how _I_ would have felt? If I lost you, I would’ve—” He stopped himself and took a deep breath, closing his eyes, seemingly trying to collect himself.

 

Somewhere in the midst of all of this Keith had snapped, if he wanted an explanation he’d get one. It might’ve been too personal, too much. But if he couldn’t tell Lance, then who could he tell? He stood up and looked right at him.

 

“No, I didn’t! Do you want to know why? Because that planet was about to blow, the rebels were about to be shot down, every last one of them, and _you_ , Voltron! You were right in the middle of all of it! I had seconds! Minutes, _at most_ ! We _needed_ to stop Haggar or billions of lives would have been lost! It would have been worth it!”

 

“Fuck you!” Lance said, shoving him backwards, his back hit the wall behind him.

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

 

“It means fuck you and fuck your stupid speech! You thought you got me there, didn’t you? One person for the universe, mission over individual. Fucking bullshit! It wouldn’t have been worth it! I don’t fucking care about the universe if you’re not in it!”

 

Keith was taken aback, did Lance really just say what he thought he’d said? It was only a fleeting thought, his anger was too blinding and prevented him from focusing on anything else.

 

“Are you trying to tell me that my life is more important than all those billions and billions of people, including Voltron?”

 

Bullshit. It was all bullshit. Keith didn’t want to hear anymore of it. It would have been worth it!

 

“What I’m trying to tell you is that there were other ways! You didn’t have to die to save us!”  


“You don’t understand, you weren’t there! That shield was impenetrable, there was no other way! That—”

 

_Excuses, excuses… That’s all you have._

 

“The worst part isn’t even that you would have died. You broke our promise. If you would have died at the Zaiforge cannon, or been killed by Galra fighters or that cruiser, I wouldn’t have been able to live on. But fuck, if you would have died willingly, sacrificing yourself, I wouldn’t even have survived the initial news.”

 

“Lance, I—” It was an onslaught of truth and he wanted it to stop, he needed it to stop. It was too much. He hadn’t even wanted to die! He messed up, he fucking knew that. He regretted it, but it would have been worth it!

 

“No. Did our promise really matter that little to you? Did everything we talked about that night really slip your mind so easily? Am I simply not that important to you? Am I not good enough for you to stay alive?”

 

Keith’s eyes flew open.

 

“Are you kidding me? I was terrified. As soon as I’d made up my mind there was nothing I wanted more than to survive. I never wanted to fucking die. I just thought I _wouldn’t mind_ dying like that. I thought I wouldn’t mind dying to save billions, but I did. The only reason I continued was because I couldn’t bear the thought of you dying when I could have done something. I didn’t want _you_ to die. I did it for everyone, but for you too.”

 

“Gee, thanks, Keith. When I said ‘come back to me’, I totally meant to go die trying to save me. I wanted you alive, I wanted you here, breathing, with me—” Lance stopped himself and looked at Keith, really looked and analysed him. He searched every inch of his face and reached into his chest, touched corners of his soul no one had touched in a long time. All while taking small steps towards him. Keith wanted to cry, he was going to cry any second now. He desperately needed to leave before that happened.

 

“Do you seriously give yourself so little worth? Do you seriously see yourself as nothing more than a means to an end?” Lance’s voice had lowered, still sharp, still angry, but quieter, it wasn’t yelling, and maybe there was even some gentleness mixed into it, too.

 

No reply came. He hadn’t thought further than what was right in front of him at the time, which was an impenetrable shield on a Galra cruiser ready to kill everyone. He didn’t think about what would have happened further than that Voltron and the rest would have survived. The only thing running through his mind at that moment was the survival of everyone except himself.

 

“Actually, I don’t care what you think. It wasn’t worth it. It will never be. So don’t you dare pull that shit with me—with us again. If you do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive you.”

 

There was some underlying message that Keith was worth more than the universe, with some tentative listening, it could be heard. All Keith could hear, though, was the fact that he fucked up and that he wouldn’t be forgiven in the future. Even if that meant that Lance would eventually forgive him this time, he decided to give him his space to do so on his own.

 

“Well, for what it’s worth…I’m sorry,” he said. His eyes sunk to the ground as he wrapped his arms around himself. Slowly, he turned around and walked out, letting his arms defeatedly drop to his sides. He still needed to talk to Pidge and probably Allura... Coran, too. God, he was exhausted already, and he’d never felt this kind of urge to cry while at the same time feeling so empty. Tears stemmed from a place of overwhelming emotion, but now, despite his chest being empty as ever, tears still managed to blur his vision, resulting in his feet barely keeping him upright as he began numbly making his way down the hall.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor keef :(


	5. don't let me out of your arms [for now]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't let me out of this kiss  
> don't let me say what i say  
> the things that scare us today  
> what if they happen someday  
> don't let me out of your arms  
> for now
> 
> the sword & the pen - regina spektor

 

 

 

Lance watched as he left and almost let him, you know, like an idiot. His head finally caught up to his body and so before Keith had the chance to get far he rushed up to him and took his hand, turning him back.

 

“Keith, wait.”

 

“ _Please_ , Lance, just let me go. I still have to talk to the rest of them,” he said. Lance could hear how tired and broken down he was. He may have been mad at him, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t his friend. They both went back to the room, with some insistent tugging from Lance.

 

“I’m still pissed as shit, _but_ ...you almost died... I know what it did to me, but what did it do to _you_?”

 

Silently, wordlessly, Keith hugged Lance, burying his head in the crook of the other’s neck. His walls were cracking, about to completely disintegrate to dust. The boy was _this_ close to crying, but still desperately trying to cling to whatever was left of his walls, Lance could tell. He wished that he’d let them fall, just this once.

 

“I swear to you, Lance, I swear didn’t want to break our promise, I wasn’t thinking and there was so little time and I didn’t want anyone to die. I fucked up. I was fucking terrified and I fucked up and I’m sorry,” he said, voice hitching, still trying not to cry. Lance couldn’t help but want to comfort him.

 

“I know, It’s okay. Hey, let go, I got you... I got you, Keith. I’m right here,” he whispered into his ear and it must’ve been the breaking point. Keith let out a sob that almost made Lance cry, as well. It was as if it had physically hurt him to let it out, so full of suffering and pent up emotion. Lance could feel Keith’s knees buckling, pulling them down to the ground. His hands had a tight grip on Lance’s shoulders, refusing to let go. He easily fell down to his knees with Keith, keeping his arms tightly wound around his waist.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Lance’s heart broke, a tear sprung through his shut eyes, slipping down his cheek, but he kept calm to be able to provide the strength Keith definitely needed.

 

Finally, he’d calmed down somewhat. His hands flew up to wipe his tears and he began making an effort to calm his breathing, but it kept hitching and threatening to make him cry again. He looked up at Lance, wanting to say something, but just shook his head. It was the look of a broken and exhausted, purely burned out person. The tired and weary look in his eyes gave Lance the strength to speak.

 

“I’m not letting Kolivan lay a finger on you until you’ve had some real rest. Your mamorite-shit is on hold for the coming few weeks. They’ll survive. Okay? You’re staying right here.”

 

Keith nodded. Lance’s hands went, almost automatically, to stroke some hair out of his face, sliding down his cheek. It stopped on his cheekbone. It was as if time had stilled.

 

Before Lance could really comprehend what had happened Keith’s lips had found his. He let out a noise of surprise, but quickly reciprocated. Lance couldn’t help but feel like they were meant to be. Meant to be more than this. His hopes were inevitably crushed.

 

“One-time thing?” Keith asked, looking into his eyes.

 

 _He will never love me_. The bitter thought poisoned him, but he’d be damned if he intended to let it stop him from enjoying it. From pretending and existing in a fairy tale. From comforting Keith when he needed it. Maybe his motivation for continuing was a bit selfish, but if it helped Keith, then it was worth it.

 

“One-time thing,” he replied, kissing him again and moving them onto the bed. Keith’s hands slipped under Lance’s shirt, dragging his fingertips up his stomach and eventually his chest. It made him shudder and bite back noise.

 

Lance helped Keith take off that stupid suit, leaving him in nothing but his underwear. He was beautiful. Lance could look at all of him and say with a 100% certainty that Keith was the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on. He kissed down his neck and down to his chest, squeezing his hips. The feeling of his fingers digging into the flesh was intoxicating.

 

Keith returned the favour by getting him out of his standard baseball-tee and washed out, fraying jeans, leaving him in nothing but his underwear, as well. He wondered if Keith felt the same way about seeing him bare as Lance did. He decided not to torture himself with trying to figure out the answer and just kissed Keith, dragging him on top.

 

Lance was happy to continue kissing for the rest of his life, he firmly decided. Living in this fantasy made him feel lucky, even if it would hurt waking up to an empty bed. This was going to be a one-time thing, and then he needed to get over Keith.

 

“I’m sorry,” Keith whispered into his mouth and Lance simply closed the gap. His tongue reached out to his lips, asking permission, which was granted easily. He didn’t need apologies right now. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t angry and that he wasn’t hurt. That it didn’t feel like Keith was fading and disappearing into nothingness, that he didn’t have dark circles under his eyes and sunken-in cheeks.

 

Keith deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue into the entrance of Lance’s mouth just _so_ and oh  goodness. He could see stars, for fucking sure. His hands went up between his shoulder blades and he could feel each muscle tense up and flex and relax and move like tectonic plates. It would make sense to see Keith as a planet, seeing as he was Lance’s whole world right now.

 

 _Uunf._ Was the second thing that crossed his mind.

 

That was all his very coherent and intelligent brain could come up with at the moment. His hands trailed down of their own accord, further and further, fingertips slipping underneath the elastic band of his boxer briefs before going back up. It interrupted Keith, making him pull away to look at Lance.

 

“Are we going to—”

 

“N-No. I just...wanted to...uh...I mean. We could, but—”

 

“Good. I wasn’t really...I just want—”

 

Lance interrupted him by pulling him in for a kiss, boy, were they bad at words. Especially when it came to things like these. For just a split second, Lance imagined what it would have been like to have sex with Keith, but the thought disappeared like breath on a mirror. Neither of them wanted that, right? He hummed and closed his eyes again, kissing him with renewed vigour.

 

“Better,” Lance mumbled and smirked. He could seriously get high from Keith’s lips, surely.

 

But see, all things that come up must come down.

 

That’s why they were currently intertwined underneath Lance’s sheets, absentmindedly tracing patterns over the other’s skin.

 

“I’m sorry for breaking down like that. I’ve never really...snapped in that way. I thought I could avoid crying,” Keith admitted, his fingers trailed over Lance’s collarbone.

 

“I’m glad you did. You’ve got to let it out. If you hadn’t, well, God knows where that pain would have ended up,” he said and sifted his fingers through Keith’s locks, he wasn’t even sure if he was doing it for himself or for Keith.

 

“Yeah...”

 

A question burned in Lance’s mind and he couldn’t get rid of it, no matter how many times he told his stupid head to ignore it, so he asked. “Are you sure you can’t stay?”

 

He heard Keith sigh, but didn’t move. “Lance...”

 

“No, just listen. Whoever’s fault it was, being with the Blades turned you into a mess, and I refuse to have that happen to you again. I won’t go through it again. We can solve the whole lion dilemma, I will give up Red for you. I don’t care. Maybe I can stay behind in the Castle, or whatever. We can solve it, just give it a chance.” It was hoping against all hope, because Lance understood that being a Marmora agent was important to Keith, for whatever reason. He just didn’t want to risk losing him again. Or have to see him slowly disappearing and slipping out of his life.

 

“I have to do it, okay? Please... It’s the right place for me. I messed up, okay? I won’t do it again, I’ll stay in touch with all of you, I’ll take care of myself, I’ll do all of it. Just please understand, it’s where I belong.”

 

“You belong with your family...” He didn’t say anything more, there was no point in letting Keith know how much he did _not_ want him to go back. But if any further problems arose for the coming two weeks he’d have some time to talk about it, because yes, Keith was staying here for _at least_ two weeks. Lance could hardly bare letting him out of sight. Besides, he’d just gotten out of one screaming match with Keith, he didn’t want to be thrown into the next not even an hour later.

 

So, they continued laying there in silence. Lance had no idea what was on Keith’s mind, but he probably didn’t need to know when he had so much on his own. Except, he obviously couldn’t help himself.

 

He thought about why Keith was doing this, why he kissed Lance like that. It wasn’t just physical. He could feel it, it was more than just the sensation. Keith kissed him for something other than to simply fulfill a physical need, but if Keith had feelings for Lance, then why did they make it out to be this one-time thing that would never last? Did he think Lance didn’t have feelings for him?

 

Or maybe it really was just for the sensation? Lance knew that if that were the case, Keith thought the other didn’t have any feelings for him, and he would stop in a heartbeat if it were hurting Lance. So, as long as he didn’t show his feelings, maybe he could live in this fantasy. At least while Keith was still here.

 

Later they decided to finally get up and move. They couldn’t lay around like this forever. Both because Lance was sure that he would burst if he came any closer to Keith, but also because Keith had things to sort out. He began pulling on his black suit.

 

His hand reached out to Keith’s shoulder, halting him in his movement.

 

“Do you expect me to go out naked?” Keith asked and raised an eyebrow, looking back at Lance.

 

“No... I just...figured you’d want your normal clothes?” His cheeks tinted red as regret crept up his skin.

 

“Uh, well, I have no idea where they are or if someone threw them away—”

 

“They didn’t,” Lance interrupted, lips pursed into a tight line.

 

“Okay, so? Spit it out.”

 

He didn’t speak, since that would make him flush so red he’d explode into a splatter on the wall, splatters of embarrassment and shame were _not_ attractive. Instead he pulled out a box from under the bed. The newest layer of dust hadn’t completely settled, so they could both very clearly see that the dust was less dense in some places, leaving hand-shaped patterns over the lid. An observation that they both decided not to mention.

 

“Open it,” Lance murmured, looking at Keith expectantly, he kind of looked terrified, as if he didn’t know what was in the box. Or perhaps he knew, maybe that’s why he was scared. Not that Lance could grasp why that would be such a terrifying prospect, except maybe he did.

 

_Ugh, you think too much._

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith’s fingers reached for the lid and took it off. Inside, his regular black jeans, black t-shirt and red jacket lay folded neatly. They were even quite clean-looking. On top were his signature black, fingerless gloves. Keith gingerly picked them up and slid them on, curling his fingers into them and watching the leather wrap around his skin. It felt familiar, like home for some strange reason.

 

Then he put the rest of his clothes on, feeling a little less like a freak and more like he was slipping back into his role as a part of the team. He would probably never truly feel that way again, but this helped. At least it made him feel less like he was sticking out and more like things could at least appear to be normal. He craved normalcy right now.

 

He looked into the mirror on the far side and suddenly felt his breath hitch. He could see his own reflection, and Lance behind him, looking at him. He had this odd look in his eyes, something happy, though Keith couldn’t be too sure. He turned around, raising an eyebrow in question, hands fiddled with the hems of his sleeves, adjusting them so they felt comfortable.

 

“You‘re beginning to look a little bit more like Keith again.”

 

Two small smiles met each other, neither needing to say another word.

 

They finally parted and Keith decided to find Pidge. They had a lot to talk about despite the hug from before. He knew that she didn’t _actually_ hate him, yeah, but there was probably some truth to it, somewhere.

 

He found her staring at a monitor, but she wasn’t moving, or even really looking at it. Her eyes were glazed over, deep in thought, body perched on some makeshift seat. Her knees were pulled closely to her chest, but she remained still, even as Keith approached her. She almost looked like a bird, fragile and ready to escape. Wings ready to fly, yet somehow unaware of her surroundings.

 

“Pidge?”

 

She finally looked up, snapping out of her trance and turning the monitor off in defeat. The air felt somewhat tense, full of a thickness, like molasses, making everything move in slow motion. It made him feel every bit of energy leaving him. It was sad to think that she probably felt that way as well, and that it was Keith’s fault. He sat down in front of her, preparing what he wanted to say with a sigh.

 

“I don’t really know what to...to really say, you know?” he began, which was kind of stupid, seeing as it didn’t help either of them. So he tried to rephrase, grasping on to the last string of hope before falling into the deep abyss of an awkward silence.

 

“I didn’t want to...die. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you? The team and...everyone, I guess?”

 

“I literally don’t care about why you did it. It wasn’t worth it.” Her voice was almost dead, apathetic, but behind it he could see a storm brewing. A whirlwind of emotion that she was way too experienced at hiding.

 

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

 

“Then why did you do it?”

 

“Because I was scared!” he snapped and immediately regretted it. Pidge flinched and he never wanted to be the reason for that. “What I mean...is that I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t think, at all.”

 

The sentence was followed by silence until the tiniest, most painful, and almost inaudible whimper came from Pidge. She launched forward, proceeding to topple them over as she hugged Keith in the most crushing embrace he’d ever gotten.

 

“Wow, you’re crazy strong, and I might kind of suffocate.”

 

“I still hate you,” she said, her pout almost audible as she spoke. Despite it all, a small smile crept up his face. He knew that she was genuinely upset, but he also knew the she didn’t hate him. So, in some sense, she was okay, more okay than he was, probably.

 

“I know. I’m sorry, I really am.” He wrapped his arms around her and just let her lie there. He’d never had family. Never had people who cared about him until he met Shiro, and even then it was never like this. Pidge was a little sister to him, there was no other way to explain the feelings he had about her. To hurt her was one of the worst feelings in the world.

 

He hardly noticed as her shoulders began shaking, wet tears dripping onto his black shirt. When he did, he just squeezed her tighter, reminding her that he was okay, that he was here, even if he wasn’t sure that it was of much comfort.

 

“When Matt...when I found his grave...it was the worst moment of my life. At that point, I couldn’t disprove it, there was no hope, there was nothing to theorise about. I _knew_ that he was dead, only because there was no other option. Luckily, I was too stubborn to just believe it. But, that’s besides the point.” She paused, taking a deep breath. A muffled sob came from her, but she must’ve forced herself to stop it. She had something else to say, so Keith would let her. “There’s this horrible, heavy, disgustingly evil feeling that settles in your stomach, spreading into your chest and invading your lungs until you can’t fucking breathe. That’s what I felt when I saw that Matt was dead, and...that was the feeling I had when he told me what happened to you.”

 

Keith tensed up at hearing that, but he could feel Pidge relaxing and rolling off his chest, she sat up, prompting Keith to do the same. She didn’t go back into her chair, just curled up beside Keith and wrapped her arms around his arm, refusing to let go for what felt like hours.

 

“I won’t ever hurt you like that again,” he promised. Briefly, he wondered if he would hurt her again. Intentionally? Never. But because he was a complete fucking idiot? Maybe.

 

“I trust you,” she whispered.

 

None of them said anything else for the rest of the time. Eventually they were called to dinner, and despite being nervous that it would be horrible, it was the most relieved he’d been for months.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally some other characters besides keith and lance lol
> 
> i was so excited to release this chapter!!! i was originally planning on having this chapter and chapter 4 as one big chapter, but i figured it might be just a tiiiiiny bit too long, so i split it up, but now it's out there
> 
> ALSO, this is crazy but the day after i posted chapter 4 i got more than 50 additional hits?????? just overnight???? that's so crazy!! and i'm so glad that y'all seem to be enjoying this. thank you for sticking around, have a nice day <3


	6. i must've done something good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> perhaps i had a wicked childhood  
> perhaps i had a miserable youth  
> but somewhere in my wicked, miserable past  
> there must have been a moment of truth
> 
> for here you are, standing there, loving me  
> whether or not you should  
> but somewhere in my youth or childhood  
> i must have done something good
> 
> something good - the sound of music soundtrack

 

 

 

Over the next two weeks, Lance’s and Keith’s one-time things became many-time things. They had settled into an easy routine of sneaking into the other’s beds, late when everyone else had already gone to sleep. When the Castle had dimmed its lights and the halls were quiet, so quiet every breath could be heard, that’s when they would meet.

 

They would dive in, kissing each other until their breaths ran out, and then some. Gentle caresses, deep stares and eventual cuddling until they both fell asleep. Usually it would be Keith initiating, kissing him with greed and want that Lance reciprocated. They would spur each other on, always take it further until they both relaxed, until they came back from the high and Keith would settle on Lance’s chest, his legs slipping between the other’s. Lance would play with his hair, sifting his fingers through the black locks. Keith would love how gentle his fingers were, like the touch was one of genuine cherishment and care. It was soothing, but he didn’t know who it was more soothing for.

 

They hardly ever talked, some occasional phrases like if something they were doing was okay, or an occasional ‘i hate you’ from Lance that Keith always kissed away cause it was far too emotional, and Lance let him. He never really meant it, anyway.

 

Unless Keith had majorly misunderstood, they’d both established that Lance had mostly forgiven him. There was no point in dwelling in the past, but the hurt still showed itself. They would kiss and Keith would feel that the kiss had become sloppy and messy because Lance was crying, in which case Keith would hold him and reassure him that he was there and he wouldn’t do it again. He really meant it this time.

 

Some nights, Keith would wake up with a violent jerk, yelling. He dreamt of that fateful moment and what would have happened if Lotor hadn’t come, or if he hadn’t pulled away in time. He would always wake up right before his ship blew to pieces and every regret he had about that decision would come crashing down on him. Demons of his past, of his worthlessness, of his wrong-doings would bang on the walls of his mind and Lance would always be there to hold him until they both fell back asleep.

 

That nightly part of Lance was one Keith hadn’t seen before, it was meloncholy, serious, safe, comforting, yet vulnerable in a way.

 

The daily part had hardly changed at all, flirting with every alien that came along (secretly making Keith jealous, but don’t tell anyone, not even Keith) and playing video games with Pidge and Hunk. Always trying to challenge Keith and keeping up the whole never-ending teasing. It wasn’t a rivalry anymore, though. More like their way of being friendly. Hey, if it worked, it worked, right?

 

Keith noticed himself thinking about Lance, like, a lot. Wondering, wishing, thinking what it would be like to have him for longer than the night. He wondered about his feelings for Lance. He knew they were there, it was hard to avoid that he’d felt something for him ever since Sendak had attacked the Castle. He just didn’t know if he could act on them.

 

It was a terrifying concept, love.

 

Love was vulnerability and intimacy, something Keith reserved for the nights. He didn’t know how to bring it into the light, so he did what he did best, he avoided it. Those nights should be enough for him, he told himself. He didn’t want more, didn’t need more, couldn’t have more.

 

Oh, God. He was such a mess.

 

Recently, with Lotor’s intel, the team went on a variety of missions and Keith really had the chance to see how much Lance had improved since he left. His tactical skills had really shown and he was a great right-hand man to Shiro. He’d always called himself the sharpshooter and he really was. He saw him take out moving targets without looking, sniping sentries and whatever other targets like it was nobody’s business. Keith would never even dream of taking that away from him. He was needed on this team. Keith, however, was needed with the Blades.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

“Kolivan called. He said he wants me back at HQ,” Keith said while they were all sitting in the lounge. The look on everyone’s faces dampened, especially Lance’s. He knew they were living on borrowed time, but he didn’t want Keith to leave. Not again.

 

“Do you really have to go? It’s been really nice to have you back,” Pidge said, looking up hopefully at him.

 

“Yeah, man. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to, right?” Hunk asked, patting his shoulder. Keith sent him an apologetic look and Lance couldn’t help it.

 

“He _wants_ to leave, don’t you, Keith?” Lance spat, arms crossed, looking at the floor.

 

“I...I’m needed there.”

 

“Well, you’re wanted _here_.” He locked eyes with Keith, staring and refusing to break it. Keith looked scared, almost.

 

“Let’s not fight. We can all discuss this in a calm matter,” Allura said, straightening her back. No, diplomacy couldn’t make this okay as if this was some kind of interplanetary dispute. He wasn’t going to go through this bullshit again. His heart couldn’t take it.

 

“No, you know what? No! Keith nearly killed himself ‘cause he sees himself as nothing more than a means to an end. Why? Because that’s the Blade of Marmora motto, it’s what they drill into everyone’s head! ‘Mission over individual.’ Are we all just going to stand here while he marches off to his own death?” Maybe he was overreacting. He knew that he needed to trust Keith, he knew that he could... Except he couldn’t. He’d broken the one promise that was supposed to remain unbroken. Maybe he was just scared of almost losing Keith again, but it’s not like he didn’t have a right to be. He refused to have to go through that again.

 

“Language!” Shiro said, glaring at Lance.

 

“Don’t you dare tell me about language, I don’t _fucking_ care about being _fucking polite_ while we’re talking about Keith’s _life_ —

 

“Yeah, it _is_ my life, Lance! You can’t decide what I’m going to do with it! I know I fucked up back at Naxzela, but I’m not going to do it again. I knew I messed up, I _know_. But you don’t get to decide what is and isn’t good for me!”

 

“Guys, I really think we all should calm down. We need to see this from both perspectives. I think that—” Hunk tried, but Lance had already snapped. He rose to his feet so fast the room almost spun. He couldn’t sit there and watch everyone let Keith go and fucking die again. He wasn’t being fair, maybe he even he knew that, but he cared too much about Keith to let this happen, and maybe he was a tad too selfish to let him go.

 

“No! I’m not going to sit here and fucking listen to this!” He left in his fit of anger, trying his best not to feel too much, or he would surely explode more than he already had.

 

It was his own fault in the end. He’d let himself fall for Keith, thinking that if he just spent enough time with him, made him happy enough then he’d stay. Lance couldn’t even do that. He wasn’t enough to make Keith stay. He shouldn’t have let himself fall so hard. If he’d just held onto his heart a little bit tighter then maybe it wouldn’t have hit him like this.

 

But then again, he’d been a goner long before any of them even left Earth.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

As Lance left, silence reigned in the room. Everyone looked at Keith with something akin to pity. They’d been privy to something that should have probably been reserved between only the two of them. He needed to get out of here.

 

“Stop looking at me like that!” he said, trying to hold back his tears.

 

“Keith...” Shiro said, trying to stretch out a hand to comfort him.

 

“No! Just leave me alone!” he shouted, smacking away Shiro’s hand and leaving the room, bolting away as the tears fell further down his face.

 

The only place that still felt safe on the ship was the training room, so he went in, putting on the highest level he dared and hacked away, letting his frustration simmer down to a boil. It was better than the geyser it had been before.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

He was pacing up and down his room, trying to calm down so he could actually talk to Keith. There was no _making_ that hotheaded mess do anything. If Lance wanted him to stay, he needed to convince him. And that came with conversation, not screaming matches.

 

The probability that he’d leave anyway was pretty high, and he needed to make his peace with that. To just get over Keith and try to live on. Yet, he hoped against all hope that he’d stay.

 

He sat down on his bed in defeat. He was losing Keith, felt him slipping through his fingers like sand in the dry desert and there was nothing he could do about it. He’d lost his chance. If Lance had wanted to tell Keith how he felt he should’ve done it a long time ago. Before Keith left, before it all got fucked up, before Keith almost destroyed himself.

 

Instead, he’d kept trying to make him jealous, and backing out as soon as Keith made any attempts at reciprocating. Making out with him in the middle of the night when they had both agreed that it meant nothing. God, he was such a fucking disaster. He closed his eyes, letting his mind drift away into sleep.

 

“Lance?”

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Was he ready? Should he just stay quiet? How long had he been asleep? What time was it?

 

“I know you’re in there.”

 

“Fuck,” he groaned into his pillow, but got up, smoothing his clothes and hair out.

 

“Listen, if you want me to leave, then just tell me. I’ll leave, but it would be nice if we could talk. I...I think we need to.”

 

“Come in,” he said after some thought. He was right in that they needed to talk about it. Keith needed to know where Lance stood.

 

The door opened, revealing a very anxious Keith, his bangs had fallen into his face again and Lance couldn’t help but to give him a small smile. He was mad at him, but he knew that it wouldn’t work. Had to keep reminding himself that anger wouldn’t get him anywhere. Anger would also just make him stressed and give him a lot to regret. Whatever happened now needed to happen with peace in both of their minds. Keith took a few steps inside.

 

“I don’t want you to leave again,” Lance said, going forward and gripping Keith’s hand.

 

“Well, I...I want to go back.”

 

“Why?”

 

Keith looked like he was about to go into defense mode, trying to pull back, but Lance wouldn’t have it, instead resolving to tightening his grip. He really needed to understand why Keith couldn’t just be happy here, with them, with Lance.

 

“No. I’m genuinely asking you, _why_ ? Why can’t you just stay here? ‘Cause I tried so hard to make you stay, or I thought I did. I thought that maybe if you just felt loved by...us, that you wouldn’t leave, but here we are. Was it simply not enough? Was _I_ not enough?”

 

“Lance…” His voice was gentle, yet pressing his intentions. Keith moved in closer, looking down between them.

 

“You _were_ enough, and that’s why I can’t stay. At least, in part.”

 

“Stop talking in riddles, just give me a straight answer! Please, I have to know what that means!” he begged, squeezing Keith’s hand again. Did it mean Keith felt...something for him, too? Could it have snuck right under his nose?

 

“It means that I feel... _something_ for you. I think I do, anyway. It’s all a big mess, but more to the point, I can’t be what you need. You need someone stable, an anchor. Someone who can be there when you need them and help you when you’re in need of comfort. I’m not that. You’ve been that for me, without getting anything in return, you deserve better.”

 

Lance leaned his forehead against Keith’s, bringing his hand up to his chest. Tears slowly slid down his cheeks, down under his chin where they dripped down onto the floor between them.

 

Keith felt something for him. During all of this time, if he’d just been a little braver, talked a little more, stopped trying to make Keith jealous, stopped trying to be a rival... Maybe then he would have stayed, maybe then things could have been different.

 

“I don’t need anything back in return... God, Keith. You’re all I fucking want.”

 

Keith hesitated, waited, shoulders tensing up. Eventually they relaxed, Lance didn’t know if it was in defeat or relaxation. “But I’m not what you need, even if I want to be. This, we, it won’t work out like this. We’re both messes and we’ll end up resenting each other for all the problems we’ll cause and that’s the last thing that this team needs. Most of all, you deserve _everything_ you’ve given me.”

 

“Then stay anyway. I can get over you, just stay. The rest of us all miss you at least as much as I do. These two weeks have been nothing short of perfect.”

 

Keith sighed and shook his head. “They’ve been good, but they’ve been far from perfect, Lance. You deserve more than secret make-out sessions at night that no one can know about. You deserve more than having to worry about if your...whatever is going to leave or stay or when they’re gonna be back or if they’re gonna be back at all.”

 

Somewhere, Keith had a point. They both had a lot of ways to go to be where they needed to be. Lance knew that they couldn’t be together the way he wanted until they both fixed themselves, but _god_ , he wished that it didn’t have to be this way.

 

“I know why you don’t want to stay, and why we can’t be together, but why do you want to go be with them? The Blades, I mean. Even if it wasn’t their fault, you got seriously messed up, I could see it. You looked so sick I thought I was going to cry, every fucking time I saw you, but I never said anything... Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Keith hushed him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. They were chapped, rough, but still gentle and Lance felt himself relax a little bit.

 

“Despite what _I_ did to _myself_ , they helped me figure out a lot of my issues too. How messed up I became was _only_ because of me. I’d found a reason to be reckless, and Kolivan did _not_ like it. He told me off so many times, and now that I’ve reached rock bottom I guess I know what not to do. I know they have my back when they need to and I know Kolivan will call it quits if it ever gets that bad again. They need me, and through them, I can help billions of people, and myself.”

 

It made sense. When Keith said it like that it made perfect sense, and he hated it. Lance wished it were as easy as simply saying that Keith should stay and the Blades were bad for him. That they could just kiss and make up and live happily ever after, but that wasn’t how things were meant to go for them. Life wasn’t as black and white as that.

 

So in that moment, he made a decision. He was already pretty sure of it, it had been in the back of his mind for a while. Keith needed to know how Lance felt, and what was going to happen. It would be better for them both in the long run. He took a deep breath.

 

“Okay. Yeah. You go do what you have to do. I’ll get over it and support you. I just want you to know that when you come back, because you _will_ come back... I won’t be here. I mean, I’ll be _here_ , but this, whatever this is, what I feel for you, it won’t be.” He couldn’t believe that he was saying this, he almost wished that he could take it all back, but he couldn’t. It was out in the open now. Keith’s hands tightened around Lance’s.

 

“I’m not trying to force your hand or give you an ultimatum. You need to do what’s right for you. I just know that I can’t spend the next period of time pining after you when this obviously won’t work out. When we meet again, it’ll be as friends. No more one-time things that end up becoming many-time things and just no more of whatever these two weeks have been. Even if they’ve been so fucking great.”

 

It felt like Lance’s heart was breaking and everyone could hear it cracking, but he knew it would end up better like this. Keith was right in that he deserved someone who could give him stability and support, he just wished that person could’ve been Keith.

 

“I love you,” Keith whispered, making Lance’s breath hitch.

 

_No. Please no. Not now._

 

“I love you too,” he replied. His hand reached up to cup Keith’s cheek, wiping away a tear that Lance had been surprised to find.

 

“I didn’t think I loved you, but I do, and this is my last chance to say it, so I decided to say it even if I shouldn’t have.”

 

Lance let a watery chuckle loose, pressing a kiss to his lips. It didn’t last long. Lance’s lower lip trembled too much.

 

“Can we have a last-time thing..? Just for goodbye?” Lance asked. He never thought that it would be him to initiate the last one, but with what Keith had just said, it felt like he needed to. He needed one last time to love him.

 

Keith nodded, pressing their lips together again. It was bittersweet this time, but somehow it was Lance’s favourite. They did this because they loved each other, and they were saying goodbye. This was the most real and genuine kiss they’d ever shared.

 

“I’m sorry it had to be this way,” Keith murmured, moving them to the bed, slipping Lance’s jacket off his shoulders.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my feelings earlier,” he replied, doing the same to Keith’s. The one he’d not so subtly held on to while Keith was gone.

 

“I’m sorry I broke my promise.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t help you enough.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Both of their shirts were off, discarded somewhere in the room. Lance felt Keith take the time to drag his nails gently all the way up to his chest, pausing to slide his hand behind his head, touching the soft locks ending at the nape of his neck. It felt like heaven, to be touched that way, like he was important. Bitterly, he wished that he were more important than the Blades.

 

Lance pushed Keith down onto his back, climbing on top of him and kissing him once again, deepening and pushing further, gently teasing his tongue at Keith’s lips. It easily slipped in with practiced movement, making Keith moan. It was the prettiest sight, to have such a perfect man under you, who wanted you, even if it was just for this…last-time thing.

 

As always, the passion dwindled down to a calmness, resulting in them lying with each other. This time, they were both on their sides, facing each other, having moved as close as they could.

 

“Can you, uhm, can you stay with me? I mean, will you wait until I wake up? I know I shouldn’t ask, but it’s just this one time... So I can know what it feels like to see you as the first thing when I wake up.”

 

Keith looked surprised, cheeks and ears tinting pink, but he nodded anyway, pressing a lingering kiss on Lance’s lips.

 

“Okay. Just for tonight.”

 

“Just for tonight,” Lance agreed, finally closing his eyes, an arm pulling Keith closer before he let his mind drift away into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think so far! comments go a long way as in inspiration and motivation. i still have a huge chunk of editing to do and the later chapters are not entirely finished. so comments are appreciated. 
> 
> though really, just seeing how many hits i've gotten surprises me! even though it isn't a lot compared to other fics it's a completely new level for me! i'm so happy!


	7. always meant to say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember all these things we wanted  
> now all our memories, they're haunted  
> we were always meant to say goodbye
> 
> i want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road  
> someone's gotta go  
> and i want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
> but i want you to move on  
> so i'm already gone
> 
> already gone - kelly clarkson

 

 

 

As Keith slowly woke up from sleep he noticed that he was very close, indeed, with a certain Lance. It felt surprisingly comfortable and while normally he would have gotten out of bed and left, he stayed. He promised Lance that he would and he didn’t want to break another promise.

 

Keith said the cursed L-word... He honestly hadn’t even known for sure until he’d said the words out loud. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing that ended up being the _right_ thing. His chest ached as he remembered the details of everything that had been said the previous night. Lance was done with him. Keith was too, right? It just hurt because he hadn’t expected it, but it would end up being better for both of them.

 

Right?

 

A while later, Lance began shuffling around, groaning as he slowly awoke from sleep.

 

“You’re still here...” Was the first thing he said as he opened his eyes, just barely.

 

“Yeah. I promised, didn’t I?” A hand reached up to stroke some hair from Lance’s face. Their noses were almost touching.

 

“I half-expected an empty bed waking up,” he admitted, looking into Keith’s eyes.

 

“Well, I’m here.”

 

“Yeah...”

 

In this light, Lance looked beautiful. Dark blue eyes searching the other’s face, lips parted just slightly, he let Keith feel the breaths huffing onto his own mouth. He ran a hand along the smooth skin of Lance’s cheek, letting his fingertips drag through his hair and saw him shiver.

 

“I’m going to miss you, so much. I’m going to miss loving you,” Lance whispered, letting his hand run up and down Keith’s bare side.

 

“Me too... We had a good run, though, right? Even if it kinda sucked at the end,” Keith said, chuckling quietly. Lance smiled back, nodding.

  
“Yeah. We had a good run.”

 

“Why does it feel like we’re breaking up?” he asked, earning a sheepish smile from Lance.

 

They both laughed, trying to hide the fact that Keith was about to cry and it felt like Lance was, too. Just because they had to end it didn’t mean they wanted to.

 

“Because we kind of are... But we’ll always be friends, right? You’ll come back, right?”

 

“I’ll come back and we’ll always be friends, I promise. This isn’t goodbye... More of a ‘see you later’,” he said, letting his hand bury itself into Lance’s hair. If everything went to plan, he would never have him like this again.

 

He couldn’t help but feel that things should have ended up differently.

 

“Should we get up? I mean, you have to leave soon, and the others probably want some time with you, too,” Lance said, moving closer and twisting their legs together, reeling Keith in. He didn’t stand a chance.

 

“I’m thinking you want me to say no?” he replied, moving closer as well, letting their foreheads touch, almost kissing.

 

“Just for a bit, then we’ll get up. I don’t want this to end yet.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

So they both agreed for a little bit more of their fantasy, where they could pretend that it all worked out just fine. They could pretend that Keith decided to stay, that Lance kissed him and said they’d live happily ever after and that nothing went wrong ever again. Except, that was another world. What they had now may not have been ideal, or even preferable, but it was something. You could do a whole lot with about thirty minutes and just a little something.

 

Later, after Keith had put his clothes back on and Lance had sorted his hair out, they left the room. And as the door to Lance’s room slid shut, so did the door to their ‘fantasy’.

 

 _Don’t look, but you might have left the door ajar._ Keith ignored the taunting remark. This was going to be a clean cut end, no matter how much he wished that he could turn around and see that tiny glimmer of hope.

 

They made their way to the kitchen where Pidge and Hunk were already sitting, staring at their screens and discussing some kind of frequency that Lotor had told them to tune in on.

 

“Morning, nerds,” Lance called, grabbing a bowl and filling it with food goo. Keith did the same, sitting by their table.

 

Hunk and Pidge both looked at each other and then at Keith and Lance. He raised an eyebrow, intending to ask them why the hell they were staring.

 

“Did you screw each other last night?” Pidge asked, blunt as always. Keith’s face flushed red and he looked down at the table, trying not to choke on his food goo. Lance, on the other hand, was sputtering, stammering, trying to recover the situation, as always. It was almost funny. Hell, it _was_ funny.

 

“What the hell, Pidge! Are you kidding me? No! We did not screw each other, for the record. Jesus, Pidge.” Both Hunk and Pidge snickered. Lance was a horrible liar. They did, in fact, not have sex, but by how Lance was reacting, you’d think they had.

 

“Keith?” Hunk pressed, he could hear the smug smile on his face.

 

Keith clarified. “We did not have sex. Are you done snooping in on my private life?”

 

He just giggled, continuing to look at his pad.

 

“You said snoop...”

 

Well...that concluded _that_ discussion.

 

“So... Heard you’re leaving tonight,” Hunk said after a few minutes of silence, looking up at Keith.

 

“Yeah, I am.”

 

“I just wanted to let you know that I support you. If you feel that this is the right thing for you, then I trust you. Just talk to us more. Not just standing beside Kolivan all silent and mysterious. That doesn’t count. You need to call us on the regular. Understood, young man?” Hunk pointed his pad in Keith’s direction.

 

“Hunk, I’m older than you!” he said, chuckling, taking another spoonful of goo, briefly considering flinging it into the other’s face.

 

“Understood, _young man_?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll call every week,” he said, much to Hunk’s pleasure. He nodded and went back to his work with a small smile. It was good enough for Keith.

 

“And don’t pull that shit again, okay? I know you won’t, ‘cause I would literally bring you back from the dead and tear you a new one, but seriously,” Pidge said, looking up at Keith, and wow. It was astonishing how someone could say something so brutal, yet look so small and sad. He couldn’t imagine ever hurting her like he almost did again. Never, never ever would he let that happen.

 

“It won’t happen again. Didn’t we already have this discussion?”

 

“Yes, we did, but I just thought that you might need a, y’know, friendly reminder.”

 

Keith smiled softly, and they continued in comfortable silence. The only thing that would have been better was to be able to look at Lance without seeing a wounded animal, but he knew that Lance wouldn’t just get over it like that. He wanted Keith to stay, but this was the reality of the situation. It would be rough before it got better. It would’ve just been nice to not have to feel guilty every time he looked Lance’s way.

 

“Good morning. Has everyone slept well?” Coran asked, bright and shining as always.

 

Everyone gave some form of affirmation which must’ve been enough for him. He sat down beside them all at the table. He scooped in the goo as if it were actually tasty, which, to Coran, it might very well have been. Keith wouldn’t be surprised by it.

 

“Do you actually like the goo?” Lance asked, as if reading Keith’s mind.

 

“This? Oh no, of course I don’t, but what’s the point in looking sour over it if I have to eat it anyway?”

 

Keith chuckled. He had a good point.

 

“Wow, Coran, that’s deep. Really profound of you,” Hunk noted, not looking up from his pad.

 

Everything felt strangely good despite the knowledge of him leaving. Keith thought everyone would be sad, or maybe angry. Lance had been angry, and he was definitely sad, but somehow, it seemed that he was okay with it, too. Coran seemed supportive, as did Pidge and Hunk, even if he could tell Pidge wished he would stay. Maybe they all wanted him to stay...

 

“Good morning, everybody!” Allura said, looking cheerier than usual.

 

Okay, so, Coran eating breakfast with them was unusual, but not unheard of, but Allura coming here, too? Keith wasn’t even sure he’d seen her consume food, like, ever. Maybe that one time, when she started that food fight, that was the only time he could remember, though. But now all of a sudden, she was here and sitting down with them to just hang out?

 

“Good morning,” Keith said, his eyes narrowed towards them all. None of them paid him any mind, except Lance who seemed somewhat suspicious as well.

 

“Ah, everybody’s here already. I’m usually never late.” Shiro said as he walked in through the doors. Okay, so this was _not_ a coincidence. He also had one of his hands behind his back, which made him wonder if something was seriously wrong...

 

“What’s going on here?” Keith asked, everyone shared a look except him and Lance, who instead shared it with each other.

 

“Yeah, have you all been replaced by clones?” Lance added. His shoulders raised to his ears as he crossed his arms. Everyone just laughed as Shiro took out a small talisman hanging on a thin chain from behind his back.

 

“No. Last night, we saw how many feelings everyone had about you leaving, Keith. We decided to try to lighten the mood. Hunk came up with the idea that we should give you something that’s, you know, a memory of all of us. So we went a little old-fashioned and made you a picture of all of us, or more like a hologram,” Shiro explained and gave him the talisman.

 

As he pressed the backside a hologram projection popped up where everyone stood together, mildly awkwardly, but somehow it looked nice as well. Everyone looked happy, smiling somewhat towards the camera. He remembered this. Coran had _insisted_ that they all take a picture together. Something to remember them all by. He claimed that they’d be happy and thank him sometime in the future... Turned out he was right.

 

“I remember this...” he whispered, letting himself go back in time.

 

“I also may have added a little thing. That was my idea. Push the button again,” Pidge suggested. Keith’s brows knitted together as he pressed.

 

The picture changed into a video of Coran, holding a camera, presumably. It looked mildly awkward, but amusing, too.

 

“I may not have gotten to know you as well as I would have wanted to, but you’re a kind person and a good leader. You fight well, and I can see that your heart is pure. You’re quite different from the angry and closed off boy you were when you first came on board. You’ve become a valued member of our team and a friend to all. We wait for your return eagerly. See you soon, number four.” Coran flashed a genuine smile as it faded to Hunk.

 

“Yeah, not sure what to say, but you’ve become a really good friend here. While you were the black paladin, I was kind of less afraid...at least _after_ the whole Thayserix shabang. You’re really funny when you want to be, and you’re good at comforting people when it really comes down to it...even if you’re mostly really awkward. So, see you again soon...do what you gotta do... Just come back. We’re gonna miss you a lot, dude...” Tears welled up in his eyes, making Hunk sniffle.

 

“I’m not crying! It’s just space dust!”

 

Keith was definitely about to cry soon, too.

 

“So. We’ve had our disputes in the past, but I’m proud of how far you’ve come as a paladin, and as a friend. You’re loyal and trustworthy and a good friend to all of us. We’re sorry that there has been so much pain for you, but know that you can always trust us to catch you if you fall. I...I also want to apologise for how I shut you out when we found out about your Galra heritage. It was difficult for me, but I can’t imagine how _you_ must’ve felt. So even if it’s history, I’m sorry. Good luck with your mission and we will await your return.” Allura waved at the camera, a sweet smile filling her face as it faded to Pidge.

 

“Uh... I know this was my idea, but how do I even start this? I guess, I want you to know that you’ve become like a brother to me, and I would trust you with everything, even if we’ve fought a lot in the past. We’re both really stubborn, I guess. Thank you for saving my ass, and you’re welcome from me for saving yours. Countless times, might I add,” Pidge said, a self-satisfied grin on her face.

 

“But seriously, I’m gonna miss you. Take care of yourself... I said I wasn’t gonna cry!” she said, with a soft smile and a tear sliding down her cheek. The screen faded to Shiro.

 

“Well. This is it, kid. I expect you to come back safe and sound. But I hope that you find what you’re looking for, and please don’t isolate yourself. None of us can handle a repeat of...well, you know what. You’re worth so much more. It would’ve been too high of a price to pay, you hear me? So, do what you have to do, but call in regularly, or I’ll come over there and bring you back home myself, okay? Stay safe out there, see you around.”

 

The screen faded to black, but there was still some form of noise. Had it been scrambled? Was this Lance’s video? Although he looked as surprised as Keith did, and if they made this last night then Lance probably wasn’t in on it. Pidge smirked though, so obviously there was something else.

 

“...like, I hate him, obviously.” That was Lance’s voice. Muffled, but obviously his. From the corner of his eye he could see Lance’s eyes widening to the size of plates.

 

“Obviously,” Pidge countered. There was light somewhere, moving across the screen. The camera turned towards Lance, obviously unaware that he was being recorded.

 

“But you know...he’s a good friend, and I didn’t think I’d miss him so much.b But I do,” he said, pausing. He took a deep breath and continued, “you know, just when I thought we were finally beginning to get along, like really, not just as teammates, but as...more...he just leaves.”

 

So this must’ve been after Keith left the first time, probably recently after, too. It could also just have generally been while he was gone, but judging by how their friendship was still quite fresh, it must’ve been quite a while ago.

 

“I know. I miss him, too.”

 

“I’m happy for him, though. Like, in the end, when it comes down to it, I’m happy for him. He’s doing what he wants to and I, as his friend, have to support that.”

 

“He’ll come back, you know.”

 

“I know.” Lance’s face turned into a smirk.

 

“Keith, if you’re watching this, ‘cause I know Pidge is recording. She thinks she’s sneaky. Hah! I’ll always have your back, and your mullet is ugly and you stink and also, thanks for being a really good friend when I needed one, and also you’re hella cute. Like, phew.”

 

Pidge snickered behind the camera, and Lance turned toward her, his face changed into one of concern.

 

“You’re gonna delete that, right?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Pidge squeaked.

 

“...Did you already send it?”

 

“No,” she said, Lance’s eyes widened as he charged up from his position on the floor. The camera shook while Pidge laughed maniacally, she must’ve started running.

 

“I’m gonna kill you!” Lance yelled somewhere in the background. Then the clip ended and looped back to Coran.

 

He let go of the button, and it returned to its standard frame, the somewhat awkward, yet sweet picture. He pressed the button again and it turned off.

 

“I....thank you,” Keith said, putting the talisman down on the table. They all gave him smiles and Keith returned them. This was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever given him.

 

“PIDGE!” Lance yelled, probably once he’s truly realised what she’d done. It was very obviously not supposed to be shared. He hoped that Pidge didn’t get into too much trouble.

 

“You’re welcome. Gotta run, bye!” she said and ran away while everyone simply watched them disappear. The screaming could be heard from miles away. They all laughed.

 

It kind of hurt to know that Lance had liked him ever since then, probably even longer. If they could’ve just stopped being such dense idiots and just _talked_ about their feelings, maybe it wouldn’t have had to be this way.

 

Yet, despite all the regrets, he was happy with how things turned out. Maybe this wasn’t ideal, but they were parting on good terms, and everything was laid out clear on the table and he wasn’t running anymore. He knew that he needed to do this for himself, and the others accepted that. Even Lance. At least, kind of.

 

“You’re always welcome back home, and now you have something to remind you of where that is,” Shiro said and stood beside him. Keith got off from his chair and hugged him. He smiled as he felt strong and steady arms wrap around him.

 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“Always...”

  
A sniffle could be heard from the table. It was Hunk, ever the gentle giant. “Okay, you’re being way too emotional, man. It’s unnatural. Stop it, or I’ll cry.”

 

“Sorry,” he replied and sat back down on his chair. Everyone chuckled wetly, sniffles accompanying them, and Keith was sure that he saw a few tears on Coran’s face.

 

He took the chain and put it around his neck, slipping the talisman below his shirt.

 

Yeah, this all turned out fine.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

After having chased down Pidge and tickled her until she begged for mercy, they sat down against the walls of the Castle, both on the opposite side. He smiled fondly at her, eyebrows quirking up. She was such a little gremlin sister, but she was _his_ little gremlin sister.

 

“You’re not really mad at me, right?” she asked, shuffling her feet. She looked up at Lance carefully.

 

“No... Maybe I would have been, a few days ago, but me and Keith have talked about our...whatever we have. Feelings, I guess? And we’ve decided to let go. Apparently, my feelings weren’t as one-sided as I thought, but we’re both pretty messed up right now. He has a lot of shit of his own to deal with, and I do, too. So I told him that I’m going to get over him, and he said that he would try to do the same. We’re just friends...” Lance looked down, picking at a thread that had loosened from the knee of his jeans. He wondered how long they’d last, he really didn’t want to have to throw these away. It was one of the only things left of home.

 

“Keith said that he’d get over you?”

 

“Well, maybe he didn’t explicitly say so, but...it was agreed upon.”

 

She looked sceptical.

 

“Do you really want to just let him go? After finally getting him?” Pidge asked and moved to sit beside him.

 

“We weren’t...I mean...we weren’t in a...a relationship.” Lance sighed heavily. “But no... I want him to stay, and I want to hope that even though he goes, he can come back and we’ll have grown and we can fall in love again. The thing is that none of us know when he’s coming back. It could take years, or a few months or maybe he’ll be back tomorrow, but. I don’t want to sit around and wait for someone and wonder if we’ll ever have a happy ending. Who knows if he finds someone while he’s out there? Someone...better?” Lance tore the thread away from his jeans and rolled it up into a little ball, throwing it somewhere onto the floor.

 

“Are you kidding me? Keith? Finding someone else? God, you’re so stupid. I get that you need to move on. If you feel that that’s best for you, then I understand that and maybe he _should_ move on, too... But Lance, seriously, Keith loves you to hell and back. Anyone can see that. He’s not gonna move on,” Pidge explained, looking at Lance with this incredulous look on her face. As if it was completely preposterous to think anything else, but she was just... He didn’t know what her agenda was, but it just wasn’t realistic or fair to hope that Keith wouldn’t get over him.

 

“You’re wrong. Okay? We’re both gonna get over each other and everything will be fine. It’s what’s best for the both of us.” It was a shitty situation, he didn’t _want_ to get over Keith, but he wanted to want to get over him. If that even made any sense.

 

“Okay. It’s probably for the better,” she said, leaning her head against him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and leaned his head on top of hers. Lance knew that she was probably lying, she thought she knew it all, but he appreciated that she dropped the subject. Even if he tried to be as fine in front of Keith, he was really heartbroken. Which, of course, simply proved that he needed to get over Keith. He couldn’t stay a moping mess forever. Not with a universe to protect and people who depended on him.

 

The whole rest of the day was spent hanging out with Keith and the rest, just trying to get as much out of their last moments as possible. They played laser tag with the invisible mazes. It was surprisingly fun to be able to see each other, but still have no idea if there was a wall between them and their target, and if they shot the wall instead of the target, a mild shock was administered. (Unsurprisingly though, Lance was really good, if he may say so himself.)

 

They also managed to convince Keith to cut his mullet, not _cut_ -cut it, (because Lance secretly loved it) just trim it down a bit. Balance was key. Keith had kept complaining the whole 40 minutes, but when he saw himself in the mirror he seemed pleasantly surprised.

 

“Wow. You’re a way better hairstylist than I’d expect,” Keith said, turning to Coran who looked mildly offended.

  
“Well, I don’t look this gorgeous for nothing, now do I?” Everyone laughed and assured him that he was in fact very gorgeous. He’d done a good job, so who was anyone to complain?

 

Later on, they watched an old Earth movie that Pidge had downloaded. It was kind of fun, but also annoying to have to explain almost every single joke and reference to Allura and Coran who obviously had no idea why Chuck Norris coming on screen was hilarious. Pidge simply rolled her eyes at them, saying that Chuck Norris jokes were so outdated that you could go to the first human civilisation, make the joke and it would still be outdated.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

The time for departure had come, Keith went to change back into his Marmora suit, the one with the hood that Lance very obviously still hated. Oddly enough, he began hating it, too. He placed his neatly folded clothes on his bed, knowing that Lance would take them. He’d taken good care of them once, surely he’d do an equally good job again.

 

As he took a look around his room memories resurfaced of the nights spent here, both alone and with Lance. He remembered being held by him and holding him, too. Remembered sleeping and not sleeping, crying, laughing, having fun, having nightmares, pining over Lance, overthinking everything...

 

No more. At least not for a while.

 

He made his way to the hangar where his ship had sat dormant for these two weeks. Pidge told him that she’d given it an invisibility cloak to help him with his travel. He’d probably get good use of it since travelling to the Blade of Marmora wasn’t exactly what would be called easy. At least not when you were travelling _to_ them. Leaving was easier.

 

_Leaving would’ve been so easy..._

 

His mind snapped back as the hangar doors opened. They were all already there, looking at him with sad smiles, yet it was more bittersweet than pitiful like it had been when he arrived.

 

He walked up to them and stopped in the middle. Everyone was suspiciously quiet.

 

“Attack!” Hunk yelled, Keith got startled for a second before he realised that they were hugging him. It was just a group hug. Honestly, Hunk should be famous for them by now. He relaxed and wrapped his arms around as many people as he could. A fond smile grew on his face, even if it was kind of awkward and kind of suffocating him.

 

“We’re gonna miss you!” Pidge whined as a pout formed on her face.

 

“I’m so proud of you, Keith,” Shiro said, ruffling Keith’s hair, to which he huffed.

 

“Come back to us soon!” Hunk begged, pouting the same way as Pidge.

 

Eventually the hug ended and Allura came forward. Keith reached out to shake her hand, and she took it, only to pull him into a tight hug, taking him by surprise, but he hugged her back. Eventually she let go, but her hands still firmly holding his shoulders.

 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for us, for _me_ , and may your return be swift.” Her eyes were wide, full of intent, almost teary eyed. She really meant all of it, and she wanted to make absolutely sure that Keith knew that. Coran stepped in front of him after Allura stepped aside.

 

“Number four, all I have to say is take care, and remember your home. See you soon.”

 

Finally, Lance hugged him, wrapping his arms around Keith’s waist, making his cheeks tint. They had an audience... Lance didn’t seem to care, though, so Keith didn’t either. He wrapped his arms around him, burying his face deep into the crook of his neck, trying to remember the scent Keith would soon most likely forget.

 

“Come back. I don’t care how long it takes or what you have to do to get here, just always come back. Okay?”

 

“Okay,” Keith replied, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek before backing away, already missing the body heat. He allowed himself to be mildly amused at the crimson shade on Lance’s cheeks. The rest of them seemed to not have noticed, by some miracle, which was probably for the better.

 

Everyone waved him off as he stepped up to the ship’s entrance. It began closing, he kept waving until they were out of sight, then he sat down in the cockpit, getting ready for take-off. It wasn’t goodbye, but it sure had felt like it. Though, when he looked down at them all and saw them watching, he knew. He knew he’d see them again, no matter what it took.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooo boi, i've been so excited to release this, cause now we're gonna be "fast-forwarding" a bit to season 7-ish (you'll see what i mean) where i have some really exciting stuff planned!!!!
> 
> and this is more where the "fix-it" element comes in since i do think that there are some things that could've been handled better in season 7, so stay tuned for that!


	8. you're in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but fuck it, i love you even if i'm going to feel like shit by the time i get to you  
> now the sky is turning blue  
> the stars, they disappear, one by one as daylight nears  
> and yes, you're in my head, but that doesn't make you here  
> and i've lost all my friends, but you're the one i miss the most
> 
> cars and telephones - arcade fire

 

 

 

Days passed, and it still hurt. 

 

Weeks passed, and it hurt a little less. 

 

Months passed, and it felt like everything was a little bit more fine.

 

In the midst of having to be Shiro’s right hand man (even though it was painstakingly hard, since Shiro refused to listen to him) and saving people, going on the missions Lotor supplied, he hadn’t even noticed that he and Allura had grown closer.

 

They’d had their shared moments, helping her whenever she doubted herself. Lance also noticed that she was really beautiful. Like,  _ really _ beautiful and it was odd, because he wasn’t sure that he was over Keith yet. He decided to roll with it, if it helped him get over Keith it couldn’t be that bad, right?

 

The only bad thing about getting a crush on Allura (because it was nothing more, he didn’t want it to be anything more) was that she and Lotor very obviously had a thing. Now, part of this may have come from the fact that Lance was a bit jealous, but he didn’t trust him one bit. It all felt too good to be true, and like Allura played right into his hands, but he also knew that she wasn’t stupid. He trusted her to make the right decision about him, and as he said, he was probably just jealous.

 

It was nice, in a way, to be jealous over someone other than Keith. He hoped that it meant that he was getting over him. 

 

All the while, Keith called in regularly. Sometimes he was late or early by a day or two, seeing as the missions came in a bit at will and took their time without consideration for the fact that Keith needed to call home. He called earlier if he knew he’d be gone for their appointed session, or later if he’d already been gone, but true to his promise, he called. He even looked relatively healthy. The dark circles couldn’t be avoided when you were constantly on dangerous missions and hardly slept. He tried though, at least that’s what he told them. He actually laughed when they made jokes, smiled when he talked to them and talked about his missions. At least as much as he was permitted without Kolivan scolding him.

 

Something else happened, though. A thing that Lance always avoided bringing up with anyone. Ever since Keith left again, he’d begun isolating himself from the team. He was supposed to be the second-in-command, but no one really listened to what he said. In a way it made sense. He wasn’t a genius like Pidge, or a really good engineer like Hunk and Coran. He wasn’t as strong or brave as Shiro. Neither was he magical like Allura. Sure, he’d been second best in his class, but that didn’t really count in the real world, in outer space where everything the Garrison ever taught you keeps being proven wrong. Even if he wasn’t  _ dumb _ compared to most people he was the dumbest in the group, and that stung.

 

Shiro even yelled at him a couple of times! Sure, maybe he’d done something wrong, but his main goal was just to help. He just wanted to feel useful. Instead he found himself stepping on toes and walking on eggshells. It was easier to just stay away when he could. He never missed any calls or meetings or missions, he hung out with them on occasion, but generally he kept to himself. Training, gaming or sleeping. 

 

He had to keep telling himself that he was fine, it was the only way to cope with the loneliness. 

 

Though if Lance were to be brutally honest with himself, the definition of ‘fine’ had warped from a state of mind into a mantra that he had to repeat in his head to keep him from losing his shit.

 

He had to keep reminding himself that they didn’t have time for inner turmoil, there was so much crap going on out there. Lance felt like the rug kept being pulled from under his feet, somehow he was still standing, but the room was spinning.

 

They killed Zarkon, or rather, Lotor did. They saved Pidge’s dad, then he went back to Earth. Lotor became the Emperor and Sendak came back a bit out of nowhere. Honestly, the twists could’ve given Lance whiplash. Apparently Lotor was trustworthy now? Lance didn’t agree.

 

Then, one day, they offered to help a Galran labour planet. It had been attacked by Sendak and his fleet (fucking Sendak) while they were visiting the central command. It had made Lance’s life take a drastic turn for the worse.

 

The lions arrived, beginning to work on fixing the shielding without a moment’s delay. They’d finally finished putting together the plates, ready to activate the shielding just as the radiation belt came. He didn’t know exactly why the shield failed until later, the only thing he knew was that Allura had positioned Blue right above where an energy surge would strike. There was only one option when his teammates were in danger and that was protecting them at all costs.

 

Lance only wanted to knock her out of the way and then get out as well, but he was too slow. It was probably all his fault that the plates broke apart anyway. He must’ve messed up in some way.

 

The energy surge struck through Red and into him. He couldn’t even think or move or look or do anything but scream in pain as his world went dark. 

 

It was completely dark, there were no thoughts, no sensations, nothing to analyse or reflect upon. No air, no vacuum, texture, emotion, temperature. It was a void. A blank space. You couldn’t even call it hell or limbo. It was just nothingness. The space between spaces.

 

Then he felt warmth, a blue light spread through every corner, breathing life into his body. There was no other way to describe it than as divine. Heavenly. Celestial. Rebirth. For a moment Lance was whole.

 

Then he met blue eyes. Equally divine.

 

“You  _ saved _ me,” he breathed, exhaustion haunting every inch of his body.

 

“I owed you one,” she replied. She looked so beautiful, all of a sudden, and he felt true feelings for her. He knew that he’d fallen. In the back of his mind, he had Keith. Those feelings were there, no doubt. He didn’t deny them, but he also knew that they needed to be gone, and soon. If they weren’t, he’d never get over Keith. The beautiful Altean made his heart flutter and his cheeks flush the same way Keith did. Used to do...

 

After that, though, it didn’t get better. He thought that she was reciprocating his feelings, but instead he got even more glimpses of her and Lotor getting closer and closer. The only difference now was that he liked her, a lot. It pained him to know that Allura hadn’t really seen him. She saw a teammate that wasn’t dead, which was always really great, but she didn’t  _ see _ him. Not that there was much to see. 

 

He didn’t trust Lotor as far as he could throw him, but he wasn’t delusional either. Lotor was polite, handsome, had a lot more in common with her, suave, charismatic. Everything that Lance wasn’t. There was nothing else to say about it.

 

No one brought up the fact that he’d died, either. Lance assumed that they all knew. They must’ve known, right? His lion went dark out of nowhere and surely they could all hear his scream through the comms? Unless they were set only to Allura, but...no, he was pretty sure they weren’t? At any rate it was hard to miss, but still, but they didn’t say anything. Maybe that was for the better? 

 

He thought it was a big deal, but he was alive, safe and he felt fine. Better than fine. Whatever Allura had done really did wonders for him. Physically, that is. Talking about it when there was nothing to be done would just be asking for trouble. Lance was alive. All is well that ends well, right? No one else thought it was a big deal, obviously. It probably wasn’t either, he was just being a baby. Everyone had had their brush with death. Lance just...got a bit closer than everyone else, so why would he make a fuss?

 

When he got back to the Castle though, everything came crashing down. Any semblance of control crumbled. He took off his chest plate and peeled down the black shirt, intending to undress further and shower, until he saw the scarred skin across his back. It had spread like an infestation across his shoulder blades. Lance shuddered in horror as he saw it. He felt so fucking ugly. Imperfect. He wanted to rip off the skin and watch it bleed, but instead his fingernails dug into his palms. It felt like he was a second away from breaking skin. 

 

He looked into the mirror in his room, trying to smile. If he could just pretend hard enough, maybe he’d be fine? He could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes as his smile twisted, turning into a ghoulish version of what was supposed to be a sign of happiness. It looked jagged, unnatural, tragic, pathetic.

 

“No one said anything, no one cares. It’s okay. It’s fine. I’m alive now. All is well that ends well, right? I’m fine. Stop worrying about it... Stop...stop crying, I don’t want to cry...” His voice cracked as he broke down in the loneliness of his own room. The only one who’d even reacted was Allura, but the rest of them said nothing. He wondered if they simply hadn’t known, but it didn’t matter. It was nothing. He could get over it. 

 

Lance willed the tension away and collapsed onto his bed. He didn’t even bother to take off the rest of the gear, uncomfortable as it was.

 

Later on, once they’d all gotten some rest, Allura pulled him aside. He already anticipated where this was headed and he wasn’t ready, he didn’t want to talk about it. For a while they both remained quiet. Allura’s face was focused in harsh contemplation, while Lance attempted to feign disinterest. 

 

“I’m not sure of what exactly it was that I did, or what happened to you, but I just wanted to ask if you were alright?”

 

His arms crossed, eyes fixing themselves on the wall. Had there always been a scuff mark like that there?

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. You did your magic healing powers. I’m here and...I’m alright,” he said and shrugged. Being alive was more than you could ask for these days, he should settle for that, right?

 

“Maybe we should tell the rest about—”

 

“No,” Lance interrupted, eyes wide. He gathered himself and continued, “it just feels kind of pointless to remind them, especially since they haven’t brought it up. They would if they wanted to. Besides, I’m fine, and you know how fussy they can get. I’m all good. See?” His arms spread out around him, he did a little spin and then placed his hands on Allura’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to settle her worry. 

 

“Remind them? Lance—” she pressed on, seemingly unconvinced, but Lance interrupted her once again.

 

“Allura, I’m one hundred percent sure that I don’t need to go into a pod or whatever. I’m fine. Really!” 

 

“Yes, but Lance, you  _ died. _ ”

 

They both stilled for a moment, the air felt heavy around them. He felt his shoulders slump, he really  _ did _ die. No one had even batted an eye. Deep, deep,  _ deep _ down there was even a part of him that was upset that he was convincing Allura about not telling them. With little to no effort, that voice was shoved back down into a closed off part of himself, effectively locked it away.

 

“Yeah, I don’t need a reminder of that... Look, right now, like this, I feel fine. My body feels stronger than ever, thanks to you, and I guess I feel a little tired, but that’s nothing that a little sleep can’t fix. This can stay between us, can’t it? We have more important things to focus on.”

 

Allura seemed hesitant, wavering between the two decisions she had in front of her, weighing the options. Meanwhile, Lance looked pleadingly into her eyes, hoping she’d understand, practically begging her not to say anything, and it must have worked.

 

“Okay. Just let me know if it starts to bother you at all. I’m always available for a chat,” she said, and pulled him in for a hug. It felt warm, and Lance easily relaxed into it. His face nestled into the crook of her neck, hair tickling his nose, it was lovely. God, how could she be so soft, yet so steady against him? His arms wrapped further around her waist as he revelled in the embrace. Wow, he’d really missed hugs, hadn’t he? Allura was a very good hugger.

 

“Are you  _ sure _ that you’re alright? You’re...hugging me quite...tightly,” she said, breathing out a strained laugh, to which Lance quickly let go.

 

“Oh, geez, I’m sorry. Yes. I’m fine. Just, uh, haven’t had a nice hug in a while. I’m okay,” he assured her, and it must’ve been convincing. One last smile was sent his way, and then she left to attend to other duties. Lance, on the other hand, went straight to bed, dreaming of lilac-blue irises and warm hugs. It was the last night of good sleep he’d have for a while.

 

Time moved on, things hardly got better, so he didn’t really hang out with them unless he had to. He didn’t want them to notice the heavy bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. Nightmares haunted every resting moment and he didn’t know how to stop them. So he ended up not sleeping at all. His cheery disposition dampened, but didn’t disappear. He didn’t want any questions. 

 

A while later, Keith came back, but he didn’t even look twice in Lance’s direction. Wow, he really must’ve gotten over him. He wondered if it’d been easy, a part of him hoped that it wasn’t, but another part thought, or rather, knew that it hadn’t been hard. What was there to hold on to?

 

Lance had no idea how long it had been for Keith, but it must’ve been quite a while if he really just didn’t care. For Christ’s sake he hadn’t seemed happy to meet  _ any _ of them, especially Lance. He looked at Lance like he was a ghost. Maybe he just wasn’t all that memorable. 

 

Then the Castle was destroyed after their fight with Lotor. He  _ knew _ that snake couldn’t be trusted! He’d always said so, but did anyone listen to him?  _ No! _ What did he know? He was just the goofball, right? Not that he so much as mentioned it. His pride and smugness didn’t matter because Allura was crushed, Shiro was dead and they lost their home away from home. 

 

It broke his heart, but what broke his heart even more was that he’d failed Shiro. It all faded in comparison to the rest, at least for the moment. Shiro died, and got stuck in the astral plane and he’d tried to tell Lance before, but he was too weak to understand. Too dumb. Huh, he really  _ was _ dumb.

 

It resulted in feeling awkward as hell around Shiro, and being confused whenever he didn’t seem to be phased by any of it. The best thing would have been if Lance asked him about it. They were going to spend a lot of time around each other, after all. Travelling to Earth in their lions didn’t leave them with much space to avoid each other. Would Lance do his best to try it anyway? Yeah, he definitely would.

 

On another note, going back to Earth was wonderful, even if he couldn’t really muster the strength to be happy about it. To everyone else, he acted pleased, laughed and screamed and cried and groaned and ate just like the rest of them, because he didn’t dare show them what was happening inside his head. Especially not Keith. He needed to be the right-hand man, second-in-command, someone to rely on. Not a whiny little baby who couldn’t shut up about his own troubles. Keith still saw him as a good right-hand man, but if only he knew.

 

It showed itself in subtle ways, though. He constantly made jokes about death, firstly because that was what felt appropriate, but also somewhere, deep down, he wanted them to worry. He wanted them to ask if he was okay. No one did, and maybe that was a good thing. He needed to learn to shut up.

 

In the midst of going home he decided that he would bury all of his issues deep inside of himself. If he couldn’t see it, he’d eventually forget about it, right?

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith had dived head-first into missions and work. He hoped that it would help him get over Lance, but oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly), it didn’t. 

 

Distance made the heart grow fonder, or so they said. Apparently, it rang true.

 

Besides his heartache, he actually felt fine. He was constantly tired, but everyone was tired, literally everyone. It was war, he couldn’t stay in top shape at all times. It was unrealistic, and it seemed that they understood that. Frankly, it’s not like they didn’t look like they could use some extra sleep, too.

 

Their weekly calls were a blessing, honestly. It helped keep him sane, and it was nice to see the familiar faces. His talisman helped, but only so much. And at the Blade of Marmora headquarters, everyone’s faces were far  _ too _ familiar, seeing as no one ever took off their masks. Even Kolivan took his mask off and he’d be the one with the biggest reason to always keep it on. Keith always tried to take it off whenever he could. For some strange reason he was afraid he’d melt in with the rest of them if he wasn’t careful, maybe that’s what Kolivan felt, too.

 

Then Kolivan called him away for some larger mission. Apparently it was extremely important, but Keith had no idea why he’d send him specifically to meet with this Krolia woman. The importance of the mission was unquestionable. A super weapon, whatever it was, could  _ not _ fall into the hands of the wrong people, but it seemed odd to Keith that he had to go alone when there was so much that could go wrong. If he died, there wouldn’t be enough time to send in another agent, if he understood correctly. So why was he going alone? 

 

Nevertheless, the mission needed to happen immediately, and it was a mission without a real time estimate, so he simply called the Castle to let them know that he would be gone for a few weeks, hoping that it wouldn’t be for very much longer than that. He could tell that they didn’t like it, and neither did Keith. Something about this mission was a bit fishy. 

 

Then he found out that Krolia was his mother and suddenly, it all made sense. Of course Kolivan sent him alone to her, specifically. He wanted to bring them together. The trust that Kolivan had for Keith was quite astounding. This was a crucial mission that was  _ not _ allowed to go wrong, and Kolivan knew that he could be trusted to do it all on his own. He knew that he could reunite mother and son  _ and _ get the job done. 

 

Keith got to spend two years with her on the back of a space whale and a cosmic wolf that fell from the sky. He had a mother, who loved him immensely, and who never wanted to leave him again. He got to spend two years with her without much else to do than to get to know each other and strengthen their bond. 

 

They both got to mourn his father. Krolia never got the chance to do so until now, and Keith never really had anyone who would understand exactly what it felt like to lose him. Sure, he was loved by the community, but he didn’t have a lot of close, personal friends or very many relatives. So no one had truly felt the same loss as Keith. Until now. 

 

Then he found out that Lotor was the devil incarnate. Harvesting Alteans and using them as batteries, as if they were nothing more than a means to an end, yet he kept claiming that he cherished the Altean culture. It shouldn’t have been such a surprise, really. They were all fooled too easily, and from there, Keith had only seen red whenever his mind drifted back to Lotor, or the Castle, or his team, knowing that he was there and that they were in grave danger, get hurt or maybe even be dead... 

 

He shook he thought out of his head, there was no point in wondering about it and feeling hopelessness at something that he had no idea about. The truth of the matter was that none of them had any idea what was going on back at the Castle. Which is why they needed to get back as soon as they could to make sure that Lotor was stopped before anyone else got hurt. Whenever the thoughts grew to be too much, missing home, worrying about them, he’d look at his talisman, listening to the videos, it helped, not a lot, but enough.

 

When he got back home, the sight of Lance gave him whiplash. It was like he hadn’t changed at all, it was a clear reminder that time had passed differently for the rest of them. There were so many ways he wanted to react, pick him up by the waist, twirl him around and kiss him until they both lost their breath. Give him a hug and tell him that he’d missed him. Be friendly, show him that he’d honoured his end of the deal by acting like a friend. Except he did none of that. 

 

Keith, as the stressed out, gay and dysfunctional person that he was, ended up just being plain rude to him. He didn’t even mean for it to come out that way, he decided to just get straight to the point. That was his intention, ignore his feelings and talk about it later, but instead he just snapped at him. He could see the hurt register across his face but there was something bigger at stake. Or so he told himself, at least. Why did he have such a way with fucking everything up? 

 

As if the whole Lotor bullshit wasn’t enough, Keith had to fight Shiro — or not-Shiro. At first he thought it was mind control, but it was worse. Shiro was dead. He died. There was a way to get him back, (or so help him, God. There was no other ending for this except for Shiro coming back safe and sound. Keith would make sure of that.) but Shiro died, and Keith hadn’t done enough to save him.

 

He had barely managed to convince Shiro not to kill him and that made him feel more useless than anything. He  _ could _ be convinced, if even just for a second, enough for Keith to summon his bayard and cut off his arm. He could be convinced, he could be talked down. Keith just wasn’t enough to do it, or maybe Haggar’s grip was simply too tight. At any rate, he felt like he’d failed Shiro, failed in bringing him back from the clutches of mind control. 

 

Until he found out that it wasn’t mind control, or even Shiro, and that it was in fact a clone. Or something along those lines. But even then he felt that hole in his stomach that only came from making a huge mistake. He failed him. Keith should have known that something was wrong with Shiro as soon as he came back, or since not-Shiro came back. Instead he ran away to the Blades... For what? 

 

There was a part of him that left to connect with his Galra side, to learn about his heritage and maybe understand why he was the way he was. 

 

And because Lance wanted to leave. Six paladins and five lions didn’t add up very well, and it’s not like they could take turns. Someone had to go. No one wanted to take Blue from Allura. And Lance? Where would he have gone if Keith didn’t go? At least Keith had a place to run to. The team could and  _ did _ handle themselves without him, but without Lance? Even if no one wanted to see it, not even Lance, he was the heart of Voltron, not Allura, not Hunk, not anyone else. Lance. 

 

That was the idealistic and maybe more reasonable side of him, but there was also the part of him that left because he was scared. Terrified, even. Petrified of being a leader, of stepping up and doing what was needed, of coming too close to people. Of being happy. 

 

Essentially, he left because he was scared, and because life was being too good to him. Yes, they were in the middle of a war, but despite that, things were going good. It felt like he’d finally found people who cared about him. Lance and him had finally begun dropping the ‘rivalry’ and went into a more teasing, friendly banter. If he’d never left, maybe they’d have gotten together a long time ago and this mess wouldn’t have happened. Shiro was back (or at least he thought so) and everyone was finally coming into their own. They were a team, instead of a group of inexperienced pilots (some of them weren’t even pilots before this). But that was too good for Keith, so he left. In his mind, at the time, there was no way that he deserved that. So he bailed on the people that needed him most. He knew that it was stupid now, but at the time it was the only thing that had made sense.

 

Then they fought Lotor, who ended up almost destroying Voltron along with him in the process. As a result of the battle they had to sacrifice the Castle of Lions. It was like watching a dear friend go, a home, so many memories and he felt like he’d lost something precious, more precious than he could really explain.

 

Then they were going  _ home _ , back to Earth, finally back after the longest time. Too long. Sure, there hadn’t been much for Keith on Earth, but it was still home for him. Krolia seemed excited to return as well, even if his father wasn’t there to greet them. 

 

She eventually left, but he wasn’t angry like he’d expected to be, he knew that she would come back. Keith understood that it was something she needed to do, and that she wouldn’t break their promise.

 

So a lot had happened, he’d grown as a person and battled with many demons both inside himself and outside. Gotten to know his mother’s past, she got to know his. In a way, he’d gotten his childhood back, or at least the next best thing. 

 

He came back to the team as a stronger and better person, and now, he was ready to lead the team in Shiro’s stead. He was ready to be the leader that they had all needed after Shiro died. 

 

He thought back to the times Shiro said that he was a good leader, and he never thought it was true, until now. He didn’t mean it in a boastful way, but he saw in himself what Shiro had seen, the spark he’d never seen before. Now, instead of feeling scared to think that he would have to lead them, he felt gratitude that they all trusted him with the task. 

 

Oh, and he also had a teleporting, intelligent, majorly cool space wolf. 

 

A lot had changed for him, almost everything, but there was one thing that hadn’t changed. His feelings for Lance. 

 

Sometimes he wondered if Lance had gotten over Keith, as he said he would. Especially while on the game show or whatever it was. He’d called Keith  _ the future _ . A part of him wondered if he was supposed to interpret it as romantic, but it had become clear enough for him that he had gotten feelings for Allura. It was just because he was a genuinely good person. He trusted Keith to save Earth because he was a good friend and because he was a good leader. So he didn’t recite his admittedly very gay paragraph about why Lance deserved to leave. He didn’t want to sound like he’d broken the deal. The hurt in Lance’s voice wasn’t worth it, though. 

 

He thought back to Allura. Keith didn’t know much about them, but there was something between them and he should have expected it. He definitely should have known it would come. In fact, he did. He knew that Lance would move on, and Keith was the one who messed it up. He couldn’t back out of their deal  _ now _ .

 

Then they were  _ home _ and it was painful, because nothing was the same and he was thrown from one war into the next. He thought coming home would be a vacation while Sam helped them build a new Castle of Lions, but it turned out to be worse. 

 

The war on humanity had begun. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is kind of a different style to what i normally do seeing as i wanted to get them to earth "quickly", but i hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! :)


	9. just wanna be hugging you tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't know if you know, but i just wanna tell you so  
> you're the wisest funny one that i will ever, ever know  
> a hundred mini dreams and a healing scar  
> the secrets of the day are never far  
> i don't know where we're going but god it's a start  
> i just wanna be counting stars with you
> 
> hugging you (acoustic) - tom rosenthal

 

 

 

 

Keith coming back was really fucking great. Being his right hand man was awesome. He was a great leader and they both trusted each other with their lives. They made a really good team.

 

It also made him really,  _ really _ confused.

 

He’d really begun to like Allura, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever gotten over Keith. Now he was pretty sure that he liked them both. Or maybe he thought he liked Allura because he’d made himself like her to get over Keith? Or because she saved his life, literally bringing him back from the dead? Or maybe he thought he liked Keith because he was familiarity, and because they were really good friends and Lance was a mess?

 

He felt the familiar tug of his heartstrings towards both of them. Would he have to chose? Could he have both? Or would he have neither? 

 

He was walking around the grounds, kicking rocks and sulking over his situation. He had a more pressing matter that he could’ve used as an excuse to avoid his love-life, but he couldn’t. There were two other options than the war to think about. His feelings, or overthink his place on the team, with that in mind, feelings were better to overthink. 

 

Lance would’ve found something better to do, but after the debriefing and tour around the base, seeing the progress that Earth has made (which is admittedly really cool, at least that’s  _ one _ plus side) everyone is off doing “their thing” and Lance really wanted to be alone. He felt kind of useless. This would’ve been a lot easier if they still had the Castle, so many empty hallways and secret rooms. Now all he had were the edges of the particle barrier. 

 

“Lance?” 

 

He turned around to meet the voice and saw Allura. His shoulders relaxed. 

 

“Oh, hi.” 

 

“You seem distressed... I saw you leaving and thought I’d come to check up on you,” she said, beginning to walk along him, her hands in her pockets. He briefly met her eyes. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that...a lot has been going through my mind. Not only with the war, though that is, you know, a big thing, but yeah. Just a lot,” he said and sighed deeply, chest rising and falling. Allura smiled knowingly.

 

“Is it about Keith and me?” 

 

Lance blushed and sputtered, looking at her and stopping in his steps.

 

“Wha...what? Why would you think there’s anything about...I mean...it’s not...why? What?”

 

Allura giggled slightly, looking down at the ground. Somehow they’d begun walking again, now moving back, closer to the building. 

 

“I know you and Keith were in love before he left, and I know that you’re still in love with him,” she said, nudging him gently. Lance was surprised by how unphased she seemed by all of this. Shouldn’t she be upset that she had competition? Or maybe she didn’t feel anything for him and would tell him that he should go after Keith?

 

“I’m not. We talked about it, and we both decided to get over each other,” Lance replied, though it seemed more like he was trying to convince himself. He cringed at that. 

 

“Well, he hasn’t gotten over you.” Her smiled softened, wow, how could someone be so understanding and kind?

 

“What?” He must’ve, right? He’d been gone from Lance even longer than Lance had been away from Keith. Why  _ wouldn’t _ he be over Lance?

 

“He still loves you, you fool,” she joked and once again nudged him.

 

“I...”

 

“No. It’s okay. You need to make your choice, you need to choose whoever will make you happier. That’s all both me and Keith want, surely. For you to be happy... That doesn’t mean I can’t try to convince you though,” she said and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips. He let out a small noise of surprise, but let an arm sneak around her waist. Her lips were full and soft and slotted against his nicely. Though he thought that he would feel more sparks. Where were the sparks? 

 

They parted, and she smiled up at him with another one of those fond, adoring smiles. His fingertips touched his lips, wondering if that really had happened. She walked back inside, leaving Lance alone, and his heart ached. 

 

Did it ache for Keith, too?

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

It’d been an accident. He’d just been passing by the window when they caught his eyes. He should have looked away then and there, though that would have left him with false hope. It was stupid to even give himself hope in the first place. 

 

From the window he saw Allura and Lance talking, there was nothing wrong with that, of course. It would be really fucked up if he were jealous of Lance having friends, his issue was when Allura kissed him. His hands reached up to his lips and he looked surprised. Keith turned away, anywhere but the window. 

 

A lump formed in his throat as he tried to keep his emotions inside. He knew this would happen! Lance told him that he would get over Keith, and he told Lance that he would do the same. He had no obligations to him, at all! He knew that one day Lance would find someone else. Hell, that had basically been part of the deal! The issue was that he thought that he was at peace with that idea. He’d already suspected it for a while. He already knew, but he kept crushing his own hopes.

 

Shiro came up, walking past Keith. Then he stopped as if he could feel the despair.

 

“You okay?” 

 

Keith looked up at him, taking a deep breath and forcing a smile. “Sure. I’m just really stressed about this whole...thing. So much shit has gone down. It’s a bit tough to process, but I’m fine,” he explained and it wasn’t a complete lie, it had been really stressful with the Galra coming to Earth and this whole war situation going on. 

 

“Okay. You know you can always talk to me, right?” he asked, resting his hand on Keith’s shoulder. 

 

“Yeah. I know. Thanks.” Shiro smiled in response. “Same to you, by the way. I...I heard about Adam. I’m sorry. If you need anything, or, y’know...” 

 

His smile fell, shoulders slumping. Shiro deflated like a balloon. “Ah, yes, well, for now I’m just gonna try to put my grief aside for the moment. Just until this is over, and then, well, I’ll deal with it.”

 

“Are you sure?” Keith asked, searching his face for a sign, or something. Something to indicate that he wasn’t handling it.

 

“Yeah. I promise I’m not running away, I just...I just know that if I think about it I’ll...” Shiro trailed off and inhaled, his eyes fell shut for a moment before opening and giving Keith a reassuring smile. 

 

“Everyone needs me right now, and I know that I’ll be useless if I dwell on it. The time for grieving will come, but it’ll come later.” 

 

“Okay,” Keith said and wrapped him into a hug. He wasn’t much of a hugger, but this was Shiro, and it felt right. A while later they both pulled back, and Shiro left, something about meeting up with Iverson and Sam. 

 

Keith remained exactly where he was and dwelled further on his dilemma. He knew that he should probably tell someone, just to get it off his chest, but despite having come a long way with his trust issues and insecurities it’s not like he was an open book. It usually helped a lot to talk to someone about whatever was bothering him. His mother had become that person, now she was gone, coming back at some point, but who could tell when? He didn’t know who to talk to, who would give him a realistic point of view. 

 

Hunk and Pidge would never let him live it down, and would tell him to just go for it. Coran wouldn’t understand the whole human complexity of it all, and obviously he couldn’t go to Lance and Allura. Maybe Shiro? Shiro would be the only viable option. He was usually the most realistic of them all, and he would understand, right? He would listen and not just tell him to go for it, right? 

 

He decided to find him again(typical of him to realise it just after they’d already talked), but before he could get far he ran into Romelle. 

 

“Ah! A human! Just what I need,” she said and before he could protest she was dragging him away. 

 

“Romelle, where are we going? Why do you need a human?” he asked, smiling apologetically at every officer they passed, most of them raised an eyebrow disapprovingly at them.

 

“Not here. Alone,” she simply said and remained quiet despite Keith’s questions. Now, he could have easily just left, but in all honesty, he was curious of why she needed a human. It sounded quite ominous and there was a chance that Romelle had lost her sanity and was going to kill Keith, which would be unfortunate, but maybe not completely undesired.

 

“So. You  _ do _ know the customs of humans considering romantic courtship, yes?” 

 

Keith couldn’t help but smile slightly, they were in some kind of broom closet and Romelle looked at him with wide, inquisitive eyes. Was she trying to..?

 

“I’m not really the best, no, but I can probably help... If you offer to help me with my own situation.” 

 

Romelle nodded eagerly, taking Keith’s hands in earnest. “Yes! Of course! Oh, thank you, Keith!” She hugged him and he let out an awkward laugh.

 

“Okay, now firstly, calm down and tell me about this ‘romantic courtship’ of yours.” 

 

“Yes, so... It’s one of the MFE pilots. I believe her name was Rizavi? Nadia Rizavi? Which is a beautiful name in and of itself, don’t you think?” she said and Keith was kind of taken aback. Romelle was gay, or well, at least not straight. Well, who knew if they even had that concept with alteans...

 

“Well... First of all, we need to find out if she’s capable of being attracted to you,” Keith said slowly, letting the thoughts play out in front of him. How would they even find out if she was? Keith didn’t really know her, unless he talked to someone who did and asked them... That would probably mean talking to James, which was  _ definitely _ not preferable...  

 

“Are some humans not capable of romantic attraction?” she asked, seemingly deflating. They ended up sitting down on some crate as Keith wondered how to go about this. 

 

“Well, some, but most are, the thing is that some humans only feel romantic attraction towards certain genders. For example, I am only attracted to men, and Rizavi might be attracted to both, or only women or only men or only gender-non-conforming people or all of the above, which is what we gotta figure out,” he said. Romelle looked kind of clueless. 

 

“So... There are some who like none, and some who like only one, some who like two or more and some who like all?” she asked, slowly looking at her hands, as if weighing the possibilities. 

 

“Yes. Is, uh...that not a thing with Alteans?”

 

“Hmph, it probably is. We’ve never divided it as concretely, for us it’s more of a... Trial and error situation, you try, and if it doesn’t work, it simply doesn’t. Everyone knows their own preference and it’s kind of a thing that I’ve never considered to label, neither has anyone else I’ve known.” 

 

“Okay, well, on Earth it can be a big deal for some people, and we need to find out where Rizavi stands on that front.” 

 

“Well, why don’t you just ask?” 

 

“Uh, I mean, you could, it’s just not really that... Usual? Though she might not mind... Generally, you shouldn’t. Some people find it quite private and some may even find it a sensitive topic.” Romelle looked even more confused and Keith grew more certain that he really was the wrong person to ask. He was the most awkward person ever, especially when it came to romance, how was he supposed to help her?

 

“Are people sensitive about love? How so?” Ah. So that would probably clear up a lot of the confusion for her, hopefully.

 

“Well, some people dislike that others like the same gender, or multiple genders, or are simply insecure about it themselves. So she might either be insecure that she likes women as well, or she might dislike that others do, though I kinda doubt the last one,” he explained and it seemed to clear up in Romelle’s head. Which he was thankful for, because he felt kind of awkward talking about sexualities, in all honesty.

 

“I see. Well. Do you know how I could find out if she likes girls as well?” 

 

‘No’ was Keith’s original answer, but then a thought came into his head. It was something that he didn’t want to have to do, but Romelle’s eyes were wide and pleading, she could tell that he had an idea. He tried saying no, but the word wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

 

“Fine,” he grudged and she squealed, hugging him to the point where he almost literally couldn’t breathe. Damn, that girl was strong. She let go, still very obviously happy. 

 

“Thank you so much, Keith! I knew I could trust you!” she said and Keith couldn’t help but feel a bit happy too, it was nice to help someone. Especially someone as adorable as Romelle. 

 

“But now you  _ must _ tell me about this other situation that was troubling you,” she pressed. Keith’s cheeks tinted pink as he looked down into his lap.

 

“Well, I have very, uh, deep feelings for someone, but I’m scared that he doesn’t have feel the same about me anymore. He said that he would get over me, and I guess I kind of implied the same, but...I haven’t. Sometimes, it feels like he has feelings for me, too, but then I saw him kiss someone else. Besides, I don’t wanna bother him and make things more difficult. Why would he choose me when we already messed up once?” Keith asked and sighed. That was a lot of information to dump on someone, though it seemed that she didn’t mind. The glint in Romelle’s eyes told him that she knew who ‘he’ was... 

 

“Well... What do you think your options are? Even the weird ones that you think that you couldn’t do, or that you never would,” she asked, tilting her head. 

 

“Either I leave him alone and let him go with the person he kissed and live happily ever after, or I get angry and jealous and avoid him to deal with my love for him, which is the irrational choice that has crossed my mind. I could get in between them both to stop their romance, honestly Romelle there’s only one option here. I should keep my mouth shut and let him be happy...” he said with a sigh, putting his head in his hands. 

 

“Well... There’s one more option here...” she said smugly and Keith groaned. 

 

“I know. I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up.” 

 

“You could always...” the Altean prompted, helping him complete the sentence.

 

“Tell him how I feel and let him decide...”

 

“Exactly!” 

 

She smiled and Keith looked up at her with a pout. Was that an option? It felt unfair that Lance had gone through so much trouble with Keith and being in love with him and now he finally seemed happy with Allura and suddenly he’d come and ruin it. This was exactly the answer he  _ didn’t _ want. 

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it wouldn’t be fair for me to make things complicated for him again. He finally seems happy with Allura and it’s not fair for me to come and ruin that just because I still love him,” he said and huffed, hardly noticing that he’d started using names. Romelle looked skeptical about it.

 

“Well, doesn’t your happiness play a part in it, too? How do you know that he doesn’t feel the same for you? That he loves you, but thinks that you don’t so he stays on course with Allura?” 

 

His heart felt a spark of hope, but he quickly snuffed it out, hope lead to heightened expectations and that was a recipe for let-down. 

 

“Why would he be with Allura if he loves me? I mean, even if he thinks I don’t reciprocate his feelings, why would he be with someone else?” 

 

“Aren’t humans capable of loving multiple people at once?” she asked, once again, looking skeptical. Why the hell did she have to come with such reasonable advice? 

 

“Well, yeah. But—”   
  


“Then let him know how you feel and let him decide for himself if he chooses you or Allura. I think that’s more fair on all of you. You get a chance at happiness with Lance and Lance knows that you reciprocate his feelings, giving him the truth of his dilemma, Allura probably already knows that you still love each other, so at least she’ll know what the competition is, so to speak,” Romelle explained and it made a lot of sense. Too much sense. How come she was so wise all of a sudden?

 

“Let’s make a deal. I try to figure out if Lance still has feelings for you and you find out if Rizavi could potentially be interested in me, and if she is, you teach me the customary way to court her. Deal?” 

 

Without even really thinking of how horribly this could probably go, he took her hand that she’d stretched out and shook it.

 

“Deal.”

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

After his talk with Allura his confusion grew even more, and he felt horrible for it. Being kissed by your crush should seal the deal, right? It should be easy picking her since he knew Keith didn’t have feelings for Lance anymore. What was he waiting for? Why did he keep holding his breath and not just leap for Allura? 

 

There was a part of him that was apprehensive simply because it felt odd that she’d been very obviously in love with Lotor and now suddenly she liked him too, despite him flirting with her for this past year and a few months. He didn’t always mean it, but he’d think that at one point or another she’d reciprocate and not immediately after a heartbreak. Maybe that was what was troubling him. Feeling like a rebound. Maybe it didn’t have to do with Keith at all? He made a grimace at that and shook his head, no, Keith definitely played a part in it too. 

 

After getting his lunch, he decided to go to his sleeping quarters to mope. It was all he could do at the moment. Maybe he should talk to someone. Get an outsider’s perspective on his situation. Someone to tell him if he was crazy for liking two people at once. Or if he was simply a rebound to Allura. 

 

“Lance!” Just as he was about to enter his room, he saw Romelle walking up to him. He frowned, but stopped, curious to see what she wanted.

 

“I was wondering if I could ask you something...” she said, panting after looking like she’d been running through the whole complex. He looked down at her bent-over form, wondering if he should offer her some water. 

 

“What about?” He helped her up and she stepped inside Lance’s room without invitation. He didn’t mind, per se, it was just odd. 

 

“Uhm... I am simply curious about...human customs concerning...romance,” she said slowly, looking around his room and smiling at Lance. She was acting suspicious...

 

“Okay... Shoot.” 

 

She frowned. “Shoot what?” 

 

Lance sighed and waved it away. God, she was weird, and mildly annoying, but in a charming sort of way. (At least when she wasn’t pushing literally every button on every panel in Red.)

 

“No, I mean, uh, tell me what you wanna know about.” They sat down on his bed and she looked confused for a moment. 

 

“Well... I like to consider myself very observant, and...uhm, is it possible for humans to like more than only one person at the same time?” Lance’s eyes widened, had Allura sent her? What did she want? How come he was having this issue and Romelle suddenly comes and asks him about it from nowhere?

 

“What?” was all he could say. 

 

“Well, as I said, I’m observant, at least on some aspects, and I’ve noticed that you exhibit similar behaviour towards both Allura...and Keith. I was just wondering about it, I’ve never heard of it before on the Altean colony. I guess, I was asking, do you harbour romantic feelings towards both of them?” Lance’s eyes widened to the size of plates, at least that’s what he imagined. 

 

First of all, how the hell was he supposed to answer the question when he wasn’t even sure himself? Second of all, why did Romelle want to know? Third of all, would this quiz be graded? 

 

“Uh... I mean...why do you want to know?” he began, looking at her suspiciously. She looked like she had to think about it. He wondered if he should shoo her away, but understood that she was a very odd person from a very different culture. Patience yields focus, right? 

 

Oh, boy. He was  _ definitely _ not using that term correctly.

 

“I’m interested in human customs, and because I...uh...I’m just curious?” she asked, shrugging. An apologetic smile spread on her face and Lance was too nice, honestly. He didn’t know what compelled him to answer, but he did. 

 

_ You’re fucking desperate for someone to talk to, that’s what. _

 

“Uhm. The simple answer is yes. The complicated one is that I don’t know. I think I like them both, but I don’t know if I’m faking my feelings for one of them,” he answered and looked into thin air, getting a bit lost in thought. 

 

“Which one?” she asked, pressing further. 

 

“Exactly...” Romelle frowned and got in front of Lance’s face, interrupting his thoughts. 

 

“I mean, I don’t know which one I don’t feel anything for,” he said and huffed, but Romelle wasn’t satisfied.

 

“So you don’t feel feelings for both?” 

 

“No. I mean, yes. I mean, I don’t know!” Lance jumped up from the bed and began pacing, Romelle observed him with confusion. 

 

“How will you know? Do you intend to talk to Keith as well?” Romelle asked. 

 

“Are you crazy? Keith doesn’t feel anything for me anymore... Listen, before he left for the Blade of Marmora, the secret organisation he’s a part of, or was... We loved each other, a lot, and then, when he said that he was going away I told him I wouldn’t have feelings for him once he came back. And he said that he would get over me as well. The thing is simply that I’m not sure I ever got over him...” he explained and mulled it over in his head. He was growing more and more sure that he was still in love with Keith. He didn’t know if it made the situation easier or harder. Probably both. 

 

“Well... Don’t you think Keith should decide if he’s over you or not? I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel.” 

 

“But Allura?”

 

“Has she talked to you about this?”

 

“Actually, she has... Wait, did she send you? To convince me to choose her?” 

 

Romelle frowned, shaking her head. “What? No. Stay on subject.” 

 

“But...okay, whatever. Well, she told me that I was still in love with both of them and that Keith was in love with me, too, though that seems unrealistic. That I had to choose, but I don’t even know where to start,” he said and pouted, still pacing up and down his room. 

 

How do you choose who you love between two worthy candidates? He wanted them both. In a perfect world maybe he could’ve been in a relationship with both of them. The three of them together, but he knew that they wouldn’t want that. Allura told him to choose, and in the end, he knew that he didn’t want that either. It simply wouldn’t work. In a dream world it would have been ideal, but in the end, Lance couldn’t handle it. He needed monogamy, he knew enough about himself to say that, at least. 

 

“I don’t know how you settle things like that on Earth, but my suggestion would be to talk to both of them separately and ask how they feel. About you, about your situation and then think of what’s best for yourself. In my opinion, communication is always the solution to most problems.”

 

It sounded absurd in his ear, at first. Simply tell Keith, whom he’d told that he’d get over, that he was still in love with him? Everyone kept telling him that Keith reciprocated, but were they just trying to give him hope? But Allura said it, too... She wouldn’t give him hope unless it was there, especially since Keith was her competition, so to speak? 

 

“What if Keith doesn’t like me? I’d just make a fool of myself and maybe ruin our friendship, or at the very least damage it.” 

 

Romelle snorted, crossing her arms. Okay, nice to know she thought he was an idiot. “If Keith doesn’t like you then I’m Lotor in disguise.”

 

Lance had to chuckle at that and sat back down on the bed. “Do you really think I stand a chance with both of them?” he asked, surprised at how this had turned out. 

 

“I do, in fact.” She put a hand on his shoulder, comforting him, and it worked pretty well. 

 

“Not the answer you expected to your question, was it?” 

 

Romelle smiled slightly. Something odd about it.

 

“I got what I came for. Thank you, Lance. Good luck with your choice.” 

 

“Thanks, Romelle,” Lance said. She stood up and left after giving him a comforting smile. 

 

After the door shut, he spread out on the bed, huffing. He loved both Keith and Allura. He needed to choose between one of them. He needed to tell Keith how he felt. Who’d’ve thought that Lance would be stuck in a love triangle?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya bois are finally back on earth!!! how are we feeling about that, huh?
> 
> also, what do y'all think of the chapter summaries and chapter titles? just curious if it in any way affects your opinion/expectation/excitement for the chapter? oh, and do any of y'all listen to the songs?


	10. it was always you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was always you  
> falling for me  
> now there's always time  
> calling for me  
> i'm the light blinking at the end of the road  
> blink back, to let me know
> 
> always - panic! at the disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, just a quick reminder that i'm using "serrano" as lance's surname! it's veronica's canon surname, and i think that despite loving "mcclain" it makes more sense for a CUBAN boy with a CUBAN family to have a CUBAN name, but it's mentioned maybe three times in the fic so it's hardly going to be noticable.
> 
> anyway! enjoy :)

 

 

 

After Keith's conversation with Romelle, he decided that he would talk to James and ask him about Rizavi. It was the only person that Keith could think of that knew Rizavi well enough and even then it was a long shot, at best. But, he promised Romelle and he wouldn’t let her down, it was the least he could do in return. If she found out that Lance didn’t like him then that would leave him with only getting over him, a clear focus, and if he did, well, that opened up about a thousand new pathways to disaster, but at least he had some hope. Both ways he'd finally know what to do and stop floating in limbo.

 

It was after dinner, late in the evening when the rush had passed, only a few groups remaining in the cafeteria, James’ squad included. He’d asked them where to find James and got unenthusiastic replies, to say the least. Kinkade simply stared at him, which didn't really surprise him, while Rizavi shrugged and went back to eating. Thankfully, to save him from awkwardness, Leifsdottir answered. 

 

“Probably in the hangars, he always goes there after dinner. Unless he did something different today, of course. But you’ll probably find him there,” she said and went back to eating. 

 

Fun gang...

 

As she’d predicted, he was in the hangars, sitting in the cockpit of his ship. This was definitely going to be awkward as hell, what with all the history between them... 

 

“Kogane... We meet at last,” he said as he saw him enter. He jumped down from the cockpit, standing steadily on the ground, hands on his hips. As always, trying to look confident, which he was, Keith supposed.

 

“Griffin,” he said, giving him a curt nod. 

 

“It’s been a while. To what do I owe the honour?” he asked, Keith wanted to wipe that smug smirk off his face with his fist... Which sounded a lot like what he’d thought about Lance at one point and wow, he couldn’t go one second without thinking about Lance, could he? 

 

“I, uh...need to know if Rizavi is into girls,” he asked, shuffling awkwardly, and James’ smirk faded, face relaxing and eyebrows raising ever so slightly. Keith didn't know if that was a good or a bad sign.

 

“Are you serious?” 

 

“Yes,” Keith said, huffing. James raised an eyebrow, trying to see if he was lying. 

 

“Why would I know that  _ or _ tell you?” He leaned his back against the ship, crossing his arms. 

 

_ Fucking ass.  _

 

Keith took a deep breath. “Look. I’m just trying to be a good person and help my friend. Do you know if she’s into girls or not?”

 

The boy stood still for a moment, staring at Keith, but then, finally, he sighed and began speaking. “I’m prett—”

 

“Wait. You’re just going to tell me?” 

 

James glared at him. “Yeah?” Well, this went easier than expected. 

 

“Okay. Go on.” He’d expected some stupid price for it. James was always up to some sketchy shit. Except now, apparently? Then again, it had been quite a while since they last met and  _actually_ talked.

 

“...She was basically drooling all over Veronica Serrano and those two alien chicks you came with. What’re their names? Allura and Ro...Romelle, right? She’s attracted to literally every type of woman, but yeah, I’ve had to hear her fawn about them in particular.” 

 

Keith nodded slowly. So, Rizavi had even expressed some kinda attraction for Romelle. That definitely made things a lot easier. He’d expected everything to go wrong and complicated fast, but instead, James had just been a decent person and given him an answer and a satisfactory one at that.

 

“Okay... Well. Thanks, I guess. I’m gonna go now...” he said and slowly turned around, taking a few steps before James grabbed his arm and turned him around. 

 

_ There we go, here comes the catch.  _

 

“Wait, I...I just wanted to say this before I lose the chance, this is war after all. Uhm, I know I was kind of an annoying snot-nosed asshole to you before you left and before you got kicked out, but I just wanted to let you know that I’ve changed, and that...well, uhm, I’m sorry? I don’t know. Just wanted to clear the air.” 

 

Keith stopped and simply looked at James, trying to find any indication of a lie, but there was none. 

 

“Yeah... That’s...thank you. For apologising, it’s accepted. I guess I’m sorry, too, I always got everyone into trouble.” 

 

James smiled, relieved, probably. Keith felt another weight lift off his chest. He let go of Keith’s arm and awkwardly nodded. 

 

“Thanks. I...uhm, I guess I forgive you, too. Friends?” he said, stretching out his hand. 

 

“Friends,” Keith replied, shaking his hand. They exchanged a smile and parted ways. That went way, way easier than he thought. Now all that was left was to talk to Romelle. Though, he decided to leave that for the morning. For now, he was exhausted, there was only so much he could do. He went to his quarters, stripped down to his underwear and let his mind turn off as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

The next morning he woke up, had a brief breakfast and went looking for Romelle. She was found fairly easily. In fact, they kind of found each other, as soon as their eyes met she ran up to him, grinning from ear to ear. If she’d already talked to Lance it must’ve gone well, right? 

 

“Hey,” he said. And in lieu of a response she, quite unceremoniously, dragged the boy away down the halls.

 

“Hi! I talked to Lance.” 

 

Keith looked around, hoping no one saw or heard them. There were some pointed stares, but at least none from anyone they knew. “Okay. Can you stay a bit quiet? People are staring.” 

 

She shot him an apologetic smile and tugged him back into the broom closet they’d talked in previously. 

 

“Why couldn’t we just, like, go to one of our quarters?” 

 

“I don’t know. Now, tell me. Did you find anything out yet?” Romelle was leaning forward, the face-splitting grin from before was still there. 

 

“Yeah, I did, I talked to James and...he told me that Rizavi definitely likes girls. Even shared that she’d singled out you, among others, but you, too. Which is a very good sign,” he assured. Romelle squealed, and Keith’s ears almost bled, surely. Her face turned pink, eyes flitting around and fingers fidgeting. It was a little bit amusing to see thoughts rush through her brain at lightning speed.

 

“What should I tell her? How do I approach her? Should I fix my hair? What do I wear? Or perhaps I can’t have anything else seeing as this is the uniform...”

  
“Romelle—”

 

“Yes, you’re right. I’ll have to wear the uniform, but I can fix my hair. How do I act? Is there a standard mating ritual?”

 

“WHOA!” Keith shouted, taking her by the shoulders, looking into her eyes with his own wide ones. He attempted to instill calm in her, the racing thoughts were definitely not amusing anymore... Geez, this alien was a handful.

 

“Let’s...let’s not think about mating yet. Most humans like to take it slow, especially if you want to pursue romantic interest and not just sexual interest. So let’s take it easy on, well, uh, mating. We’re not there yet, okay?” Romelle nodded, her shoulders relaxed and she took a deep breath. 

 

“So, how do I talk to her?” Wow. Okay. Yup, Keith was  _ so _ out of his depth. 

 

“God, Romelle. I honestly don’t know. I’m the worst at talking to people. Especially introducing myself and... _ flirting. _ ” He spat the word as if it were dirty, and for basically all of his life he’d treated it like it was. Keith didn’t flirt. Ever. That was just the way of things. He sucked at it, he didn’t like talking to people, he didn’t like it. The only thing that could possibly count as flirting was his constant banter with Lance, though that mostly counted as just that, banter, and being a smug jerk. Not really flirting. He sighed a little bit at that thought... Stupid Lance.

 

“Well, you have to help me. Please...” Romelle pouted, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes and he couldn’t say no, weak as he was. 

 

“I’ll try.” 

 

“Yay! So, how do I talk to her? Should I just go up to her and introduce myself?”

 

Keith thought for a moment and shrugged, it might not be such a bad idea. 

 

“You know what? Normally, I’d hate the idea, but for you, it just might work. Tomorrow, at breakfast or something, you should go up to her and introduce yourself. Simply tell her your name, give her a compliment and...ugh, I don’t know. Try to find something you have in common and find a way to keep a conversation about it?” he suggested and Romelle seemed pleased with the answer. 

 

“I shall be sure to ask you for further advice, should I need any,” she said and gave him a hug. It took him by surprise, but he hugged back. 

 

“I’m really not that good at, y’know, talking to people, but I’m willing to listen and help where I can.”

 

“Nonsense! You’ve gotten me this far, it’s further than I would have gotten!” she said and waved away his protests. Though she may be quite overbearing at times, she had this incredible kindness to her.

 

“So... You said you talked to Lance?” he asked and sheepishly scratched the back of his head, looking down. 

 

“Yes, I did. I don’t want to tell you what we talked about, I’ll let him tell you that, but basically...he has strong feelings for you. I assure you. You two really need to talk about it.” It hit Keith’s chest like a punch. It gave him so many questions and planted hope in his chest, but still, the pessimism lingered.   
  


“But, Allura?”

 

“As we’ve established, Keith. Lance is capable of loving more than one person. He’s probably having trouble deciding, and to make it easier, or at least help him make the right choice, you need to talk. Am I making myself clear enough for your dense, lovestruck brain? I swear, I may not know much about human romance, but I know more about love than you two.” She flicked the top of his head, resulting in an annoyed glare from Keith, but he appreciated everything she’d done, truly. 

 

“Okay, you don’t have to bully me, Romelle. Thank you, though. Really.” 

 

She smiled, her back straightened and she dusted off her shoulders. “Why, you’re welcome, Keith,” she said with a proud grin. “Now, go talk to your paladin. I had to tell him I didn’t understand the concept of loving two people at the same time to get him to tell me anything and it was so...how would you put it? Awkward? Yes, awkward to pretend like that.” 

 

Keith chuckled and thanked her one more time and left the broom closet, seeing that the rest of the hallway was empty thankfully.

 

He wondered when he’d tell him, or talk to him. Things were about to get really busy with the war and soon they wouldn’t even really have the time to talk at all. There was huge progress on the Atlas and Sendak was advancing and maybe he should go right away. This was war, after all. None of them knew what could happen or when it would happen. It just felt kind of awkward. He also had no idea how to approach the subject. What the hell was he supposed to say? He was about to run into the broom closet again (Why the hell hadn’t Romelle come out yet, by the way?), when Lance passed by in the hallway. 

 

“Why are you going into the broom closet?” he asked. Keith turned around, trying to hide his flushing cheeks. 

 

“Uhm. No reason.” Then, as if on queue, Romelle walks out. She looked between the both of them and stays unmoving. Lance was trying to figure something out, and then he came to a conclusion. 

 

“Are...you two..?” he asked and looked at the both of them with squinted eyes. Lance held an accusing finger pointed to each of them. Romelle gave a nervous laugh as a reply and bolted away. Well, that didn’t incriminate them further at  _ all _ . Lance looked sour even as she’d left. Was he jealous? 

 

_ Hah. Not even in your wildest dreams. _

 

“You’re on your own, Keith! Good luck!” she said before disappearing behind a turn.

 

Keith was left with a very confused Lance and a blush on his cheeks. He’d been forced into a corner, and maybe this was what he needed. It gave him an excuse to tell Lance what he needed to say. 

 

“Well? What were you two doing in there?” Okay, Lance was definitely a bit jealous, it did make him feel a bit more hopeful, but it still didn’t really mean anything. 

 

“Talking... We did each other a favour, so—”

 

“Wait. You were the one who sent her to talk to me, weren’t you...” Keith blushed and nodded. Lance looked relieved, but still somewhat suspicious. Soon, even worried.

 

“We need to talk,” they both said and laughed awkwardly as they realised they’d echoed each other. 

 

“Yours or mine?” Lance asked, scratching the back of his head. Keith shrugged and mirrored  him, he just wanted to talk. It didn’t matter in what room, so long as they were alone. 

 

“Yours, I guess?”

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Romelle turned a few corners, happy to finally have escaped and leaving the boys with no choice but to talk, then she was stopped by a solid form in front of her.

 

“Oouf.” She fell back and panted as she looked up to see who she’d crashed into. Her violet eyes met light brown. 

 

“Oh my geez, are you okay?” Nadia asked and stretched out a hand towards Romelle. She took it and pulled herself up. 

 

“Definitely, especially now that you’re here.” She’d meant it genuinely, simply a fact that was going to lead into wanting to talk to her, but by the blush on Nadia’s face Romelle assumed that she’d just accidentally ‘flirted’. 

 

“I’m Romelle and I think you’re very adorable,” she said and sent her a bright smile. Why not go with it, right? Nadia’s face further reddened. 

 

“Oh my fuck, I’m so gay,” she muttered under her breath, but smiled back at Romelle. “I’m Nadia Rizavi and I, in fact, think you’re very...adorable, as well.” 

 

Romelle took that as victory and linked arms with Naida as they walked down the corridor. 

 

“Looks like we have something in common.”

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

They’d finally gotten to Lance’s room. Keith felt a knot forming in his stomach, preventing him from doing anything but sitting down on the chair in Lance’s quarters, waiting for the other to speak. 

 

“So, if I understand everything correctly... You still have feelings for me,” Lance said and Keith couldn’t do anything but nod and let his face burn up. He was tongue-tied for a moment, as if there was a physical wall in his throat that prevented him from talking, though, hard as it was he forced something out, his mouth feeling dry like sawdust.

 

“Yeah... I  _ definitely _ do, and a little birdie told me that you do, too,” Keith said and looked up at Lance who was pale as a ghost. He was already feeling his courage begin to fade.

 

“I mean, yes, but I don’t know...because like, it’s complicated, but—” Keith interrupted him by raising his hand, he didn’t want to hear these bullshit excuses. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. Romelle must’ve misinterpreted the whole situation. 

 

“Save it. It’s...nevermind...it’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked her to talk to you. My bad. It’s okay, Lance,” he said and stood up, getting ready to leave. Lance groaned and took Keith’s sleeve into his fist. He turned around to see a very clearly stressed out man.

 

“I  _ do _ have feelings for you. A lot of them, in fact. That’s the simple answer. So please, sit down and listen, ‘cause it’s really...complicated. Don’t jump to conclusions.  _ Please. _ ” His eyes were pleading for Keith to comply, and the grip on his sleeve only tightened.

 

“Okay,” he said, slightly baffled. He sat down on the bed beside Lance. There was a slight pause, Keith could see him holding his breath. Surely, the anticipation would kill them both.

 

“I’m in love with both you and Allura. Please, don’t make fun of it. I know it’s weird, and I’m sorry, I keep fucking things up, making them all complicated and stuff, but I just...” Lance’s eyes diverted from Keith’s and he began fiddling with his sleeves.

 

“Hey, hey, hey. Don’t apologise. It’s not weird and you’re not ‘fucking things up’. It’s complicated, I’ll give you that, but it’s not weird or bad. Okay?” he said and looked into the other’s eyes. From pure instinct, his hand had reached out to cup Lance’s. After realising what he’d done he pulled it away as if he’d been burned. 

 

“Sorry,” he muttered, looking at Lance.

 

“It’s okay.” 

 

Keith could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. Then he went back to explaining.

  
“I have feelings for both of you, at least, I’m pretty sure I do. When you left, we agreed that we would get over each other. So I tried, and it lead me to Allura without even really meaning to. Then she and Lotor... Well, I guess I was jealous, and that’s what made me really realise that I loved her, at least I was close to. I just didn’t realise that I’d never gotten over you until you came back. Everyone said that you still had feelings for me, even Allura. I knew  _ I _ did even if I was scared to admit it since it would make things so complicated. I wasn’t sure about you. But I knew I still loved you.” Lance took a deep breath and looked back down into his lap. Keith felt a bit like he’d taken a punch to the chest. 

 

“Why do you still love me?” he asked, dumbfounded and breathless. It had been Lance’s idea to end it in the first place. Keith had thought that would make it easy for him to get over his feelings, but apparently not. 

 

Lance scoffed and crossed his arms. “Are you  _ seriously _ asking  _ me _ that? Shouldn’t I be the one asking  _ you _ ? You spent  _ two years _ away from us. I imagine you would have forgotten me in half that time.” 

 

“I could never forget you.” 

 

Lance finally looked up, and Keith was surprised to find genuine confusion, disbelief. Did Lance seriously think that Keith would have forgotten all about him? He was about to say something, but Lance cleared his throat, fiddled with his fingers in his lap and began speaking again.

 

“Because you’re special. Despite all your shit and despite everything that life has dealt you you’re still so...I don’t know. On my worst days, like, when I considered stepping back from Voltron, you were there to boost my confidence. You put this huge trust in me, now  _ and _ then because you know I can do it. You trust me with things everyone else thinks I’m too dumb to do.” 

 

Keith’s heart ached, it physically hurt and he wondered if this was what it was like to love your soulmate, if it hurt when they hurt.

 

”No one thinks you’re dumb, Lance,” Keith said, a frown found its way onto his face.

 

”Yes, they do. Just let me finish, okay?” 

 

Keith nodded, vowing silence for the moment. He seriously needed to have a talk about Lance’s self-worth soon.

 

“I love you, because you’re like one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my whole entire life. I love you because...you don’t just make me want to be a better person, you help me become that person. In the way you trust me, in the way you touch and talk to me... You love me for me, and take me for what I am. You don’t see me as an amazing saviour destined for greatness, but you don’t look down on me. You see me as Lance Serrano, a cuban boy who’s mildly annoying, a really good sharpshooter and...ugh, I’m not gonna give myself any more compliments. You see me for all the good  _ and _ bad things I am, and you love it all. At least I hope you do. You did.” 

 

Almost every part of Keith’s brain was telling him to kiss Lance. It would be fair, right? Allura kissed him, too. Then he didn’t. He wasn’t trying to win Lance over, even if he wanted him to choose Keith, he wasn’t going to make this more difficult than it needed to be. Lance probably already knew who he’d pick, deep down, he just needed to realise it, no kiss would change that. He broke off the connection, but instead replaced it with a smile that was probably too fond for his own good. 

 

“Yeah, I love you. For everything you are and everything you’re not.” They both chuckled, and Keith put a hand on Lance’s thigh. 

 

“How big of a chance do I stand against Allura?” he asked, intending for it to be light-hearted, but Lance deflated, the shine in his eyes dulled and Keith regretted that he asked.

 

“No, wait, sorry, don’t answer that, it’s your choice. You need to do what’s best for you. I speak for myself and hopefully Allura, when I say that whoever you end up with needs to make you happy. I’m sure we’ll be hurt if you choose the other, but in the end, what I care about most is your happiness. Wow...that is so cheesy. I’m gonna, like, throw up,” Keith said and smiled sheepishly.

 

“Thanks, Keith. It’s really difficult. I can tell you that. I want you both, somehow, but I know that it won’t work for any of us.” 

 

“Yeah... Well, now you know how I feel and now I know how you feel. It’s been...said. I guess we can focus more on defeating the Galra...” Keith said and leaned back, back hitting the bed. He wondered if Lance found it strange to have him there. Being in each other’s beds usually ended up with them making out, often while almost naked. 

 

“Yeah. Somehow, that doesn’t comfort me.” They both chuckled, but the concern was real. They needed to put every ounce of focus into this to come up with a plan to get rid of Sendak, but it also gave way for worry. To realise how truly dire their situation had become. Their whole planet was at stake, and by extension, the whole universe.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a filler so we can get to the good stuff, just some establishing, finally fixed the fucking unexplained tension between james and keith, tiny plot about Romelle and Nadia(aren't they fucking adorable????)


	11. like a bird on a wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch  
> he said to me, "you must not ask for so much"  
> and a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door  
> she cried to me, "hey, why not ask for more?"  
> oh, like a bird on the wire  
> like a drunk in a midnight choir  
> i have tried in my way to be free
> 
> bird on a wire - leonard cohen

 

 

 

Despite having a mild, but constant heart attack throughout that whole conversation it was quite comforting. After Keith left, Lance exhaled and let his head hit the pillow. One moment his eyes were on the verge of slipping shut and he thought of sleeping, maybe he needed a little power nap, but the next moment, before he knew it, he was wide awake. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep after that, he couldn’t.

 

So, as he always used to do back while they still had the Castle, he wandered around aimlessly, his thoughts took over and his feet showed the way.

 

Even though he probably had a billion more important things to worry about he began weighing the pros and cons of choosing Keith and Allura. It didn’t translate well into thought and it became all jumbled up. If he thought it was difficult before, boy was it even more so after recent events, could he even do it? After all, there was a third option... Not choosing either of them. It’s not like he  _needed_ them. The fact of the matter was that he was in love, but if he’d learned to love them, then he could learn to unlove them too, right?

 

No. No, no, no, definitely no. That was crazy, or well, not crazy, but he didn’t want that. He wanted them, one of them, but he just had no idea who. What if he made the wrong choice, realised that he loved one, but had already chosen the other? Or what if he chose one of them, both of them get together, all happily ever after, and then they realise that they don’t want to be with Lance?

 

In his thoughts he hadn’t even noticed all of the turns he’d taken, now finding himself in an empty room, or well, more like a balcony. To the right there were huge windows overlooking the flight field, he could see ships and planes being tested. The MFEs among others.

 

To the left there was a metal railing overlooking some form of cafeteria, or at least what was supposed to function as one. Instead of a kitchen there were tables lined up with pots of some kind of soup, crates filled with what was probably water. The rest of the room was filled with folding chairs and rickety tables that seemed quite unstable, but functional enough. Most of the tables were unseated, seeing as it was sometime in the afternoon, (he couldn’t be bothered to keep track of the hours) after lunch, but before dinner.

 

Across the platform there was a door that Lance inspected, but found that it only lead to some kind of storage closet, so he went back to look over the crowd, leaning his arms on the railing. It was definitely odd to be around humans again, this  _many_ humans, to be exact, and if he were to be completely honest, it was a bit overwhelming. He just wanted to spend time with his friends and family, but again the universe had to drag him into war. Didn’t he deserve some peace? Perhaps he didn’t.

 

The door from which Lance entered whoosed open. He turned his head to find his mother. Lance stood up straight, opening his mouth to say something, but nothing came. She smiled knowingly at him, coming closer.

 

“How...how did you..?” he asked. Had she followed him? Lance had been pretty sure that he came here alone, but there she was.

 

“A mother knows,  _mijo_. She simply knows.” Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek, and instinctively his eyes closed, leaning into the tender touch. He’d missed her beyond belief.

 

“ _Mamá_ ,” he whispered, putting his hand on hers.

 

“You’ve grown so much, my precious Lance. You’re so different, and I couldn’t be prouder. My baby boy, a hero not only on Earth, but throughout the whole universe. What more could a mother ask for, hm?”

 

They hugged each other, and he only noticed now how much he’d grown under the year. They’d been roughly the same height, but now he’d grown at least a couple of inches. Perhaps she’d shrunk, too. Her laugh lines had become more defined, a few streaks of grey hair and there was a tiredness in her eyes. The change, the noticeable distance in time made him uncomfortable, the time he’d lost became even more tangible and he desperately wished that it hadn’t passed at all. That he could have saved the universe and still been home in time for dinner.

 

His arms squeezed tighter around his mother, thinking of how unfair it was. How unfair it was that despite having his family with him, being back on Earth, finally, he was still homesick. Would that ever go away?

“The only thing that I care about more is your happiness... Are you happy, Lance?”

 

It gave him pause, the question hadn’t been brought up in a long time. “I don’t know,  _mamá_. I...I really don’t.”

 

“I know things are busy and dangerous, but don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose that ray of sun you used to be. The war is not worth losing your soul over.”

 

Right, there was a whole war going on, but Lance was in some stupid love triangle. He pulled back from the hug, feeling emotion swell in his chest and tears blur his vision. There was a slight tremble in his shoulder. He didn’t want to cry, but it seemed inevitable.

 

“What if I already lost it?” His eyes looked out the window, turning to the sky, filtered orange through the particle barrier. Up there, beyond the atmosphere there were a thousand Galra cruisers, literally looming over them, how could he remain happy when everything he’s ever held dear could die at any given moment? What if he couldn’t save any of them? If he failed, he’d have nothing to live for anymore. If he hadn’t lost himself yet, he certainly would, if worst comes to worst.

 

“ _Mijo_ , I know you more than anyone in the entire universe, and I can tell you haven’t. You still love with everything you have and you still fight with hope. The world is cruel, but you are not. Those...things can destroy everything we own and have, but don’t you ever let them take your heart.”

 

_Maybe they should._

 

It was an unproductive thought, but it sure would make things a lot easier. Regarding his little love-dilemma, that is. If he didn’t have a heart, then he couldn’t love either of them and he wouldn’t have to feel this torn up. Maybe he could stop being so damn pitiful and start being productive.

 

“Have you ever had to choose between two people you love?” he asked, once again leaning over the railing. Her hand gently placed itself over his back, rubbing soothing circles, it didn’t stop the tears.

 

“How do you mean?”

 

“I’m in love. It’s supposed to be wonderful, right? ‘Cause it’s not. It hurts so bad,  _mamá_! I can’t take it.”

 

“And who told you that love isn’t both? Yes, love is wonderful, but it’s only wonderful because you have fought through the pain. Nothing comes without a price, my dear.”

 

He scoffed. “I was happy with him, but I fucked that up—” Lance was interrupted by his mother swatting the top of his head.

 

“Ow!”

 

“Language...” she said with a pointed look.

 

He gave her a sheepish smile and slowly continued, “...and even though he loves me I’m scared that I’ll fuck,” there was another look, “I mean...mess it up again, and she, well, she _says_ she loves me, but she loved someone else and I’m scared that she doesn’t  _actually_ love me, that I’m just a rebound, but I want her to love me, because she’s beautiful and kind and...I don’t know what to do.”

 

“He... It’s that boy with black hair, the red one, yes? And she...the alien, with the white hair?”

 

Lance nodded. Was it really that obvious?

 

“Tell me about them. Maybe I can’t help you choose, but it might help you see things more clearly or at least give you some clarity,” she offered.

 

“They’re both quite long stories, you sure you have the patience?” he said, chuckling dryly. His mother got a determined look on her face, that familiar face of a mother who’d made her mind up.

 

“For you, Lance, I have all the time in the world. Never doubt that.”

 

Oh.  _Oh._ That was weird. Lance felt this pang of...something in his chest. Only now did he realise that he hadn’t had someone to talk to ever since he left. Sure, he’d been able to confide in his teammates, but not as much as he’d wished, and he’d never been able to just tell them whatever he wanted, but this was his  _mother_. He’d always been able to talk to her, he’d just forgotten what it felt like, to have someone who’ll always listen.

 

“Oh...okay,” he said, a tentative smile made its way onto his face.

 

They decided to go somewhere more comfortable, which ended up being his quarters. There he finally got to spill his guts to her. He carefully avoided certain subjects. She didn’t need to know all of the dangers he put himself through, she  _definitely_ didn’t need to know about him dying. He kept the focus on him and Keith, and then him and Allura. She listened, only interrupting when he’d rushed through too quickly, or forgotten to tell something. It was difficult to retell the past year from memory! But she listened, completely open and understanding.

 

It took him some time, but he finally finished, taking a deep breath and looking down into his lap.

 

“Well, Lance. You certainly have a lot to think about,” she said and looked at him, he was offered a comforting smile, which was returned in kind.

 

“I know.”

 

“If you want my opinion...well, let me ask you a question. Why do you love Keith?”

 

Lance looked at her with confusion and thought back to what his and Keith’s previous conversation. “Because he...he sees me for what I am. Because he trusts me and believes in me. Because he’s beautiful and so kind. He sees me for  _me_ and he...loves all of it, for some reason.” Lance smiled as he thought of Keith, chest blossoming out into warmth.

 

“And Allura?”

 

“She’s, well, she was there for me while Keith was gone, and while the whole team was busy with other things, she helped me find my place, a bit. She believes that I’m destined for ‘great things’ and stuff. She’s just so kind and beautiful and...awesome.”

 

His mother once again pondered his words and asked another question. “What does your heart tell you? Which one is the first to jump up in your head?”

 

The room fell silent. So what if he thought of one of them fast than the other? That didn’t mean it was the right choice! His heart was stupid and didn’t know what it wanted. His heart was the reason he was in this situation in the first place! If he let his heart run amok he’d get it broken before he could even look at another person.

 

“I...I don’t know! My heart isn’t exactly a reliable source,” he whined, “it’s what got me in trouble in the first place.”

 

“No,  _mijo_. What got you in trouble was fear. I think you know who you want, but you’re afraid that you’ll make the wrong decision. Let me ask you this, which one has done more for you?”

 

“That’s not fair—”

 

“Ah-ah! Answer.”

 

Lance thought about it for a moment. Allura had saved him, brought him back from the literal dead. She supported him while he was lonely and stood by his side when Shiro(or not-Shiro) went against him. But Keith, he left, he broke the promise, sure, they spent those two weeks together, but did that really matter in the grand scheme of things? He ran away... He said as much to his mother, who sighed with that knowing smile of hers.

 

“I’m not trying to speak badly of Allura, she seems like a sweet girl and I’m not saying Keith did things the right way, but has it not occurred to you that Keith did those things for  _you_? He sacrificed himself because he wanted you to live, and I think that he gave up being a paladin so you wouldn’t have to. Allura may have saved your life, but hasn’t everyone of you done the same for the other? What did she risk? Did she truly risk anything?”

 

It didn’t make any sense! Keith wouldn’t give up Red for him, it was because of Shiro, and because of the Blades. And Allura... She must feel something for him, yeah, she definitely did. Right? She kissed him for god’s sake!

 

“No,  _mamá_. You don’t understand, it’s not that...it’s not...I mean, you’re...I...I don’t know what I’m trying to say,” he stammered and looked away.

 

“No need to say anything. Everyone of you knows how everyone feels, and now it’s up to you to make a choice. Take your time. I know you’ll make the right decision. All I want is for you to be happy.”

 

He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her, making sure to never forget how she felt ever again.

 

“I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I thought about all of you everyday. I missed you so much,” he said, letting the tears fall freely. She patted his back and swayed them from side to side in a lulling manner. He felt like a little kid again, and he never thought he’d get to feel that again.

 

“We missed you, too,  _cariño_.”

 

The nickname prompted a sob from his throat. He hadn’t heard that for so long. Too long. For a short moment he was reminded of how blessed he was. Despite everything going to shit, at least he had his family again, and it gave him the strength to continue fighting. No matter what other stuff that life throws at him.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

“So, Lance, huh?” Veronica said, breaking the silence in the car. Keith turned to her and saw a raised eyebrow and small smirk.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You tell me,” she said and looked back at the road, stopping right outside the city. They all stepped out of the vehicle and raised their weapons. Keith would rather stay focused on the mission, but Lance’s sister was persistent to say the least.

  
“Are you, uh, dating my little bro?” she asked and Keith sputtered, almost dropping his damn bayard.  _Dating_? That was absurd.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Too bad. You’d be fun to tease at family dinners.” Veronica went further ahead, thankfully dropping the subject. Keith was damn near his limit. Family dinners? As if. He didn’t want to be a pessimist, but it’s not like he believed Lance would choose him. Or at least, he didn’t dare to believe it, if he let himself hope it would eventually all go to shit anyway.

 

“What was that about?” Hunk asked, but Keith just shrugged and focused on the task at hand. It was easier than thinking about Lance. Hunk, however, didn’t stop talking, but at least he didn’t push further.

 

“Do you think we’ll get my parents back tonight?” he asked, grip tightening around his bayard.

 

Keith sighed, briefly looking at Hunk.

 

“I don’t know, but I really hope so.”

 

It was true, they couldn’t know what had happened to them. There was even a possibility that...well, they didn’t need to think about that. But the fact of the matter was that nothing was certain except one thing, whatever they could do, they would.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

After his talk with his mom he’d decided to spend some time with his family, listening to all the stories about what had happened during his time away.

 

Finally he got to be with his family again. Except Veronica, that is. They said that she’d gone on some sort of reconnaissance mission, but no details. Lance hoped that she was safe wherever she was. She came back after a while and immediately jumped onto her cot, groaning about being tired and fell asleep and that was that.

 

Lance  came to notice that everyone was tired, and that his nephews had already fallen asleep in his arms. A warm feeling spread in his chest, and he decided to sleep there for the night. If only to not disturb the kids, and because he really didn’t want to go. Despite there still being something missing, he hadn’t felt this at home since he left Earth.

 

The next morning he and Rachel woke up early.  _Really_ early. He hadn’t been able to stay asleep, and somehow he’d accidentally woken her, too. Now they were sitting and talking about his time in space, and her time on Earth. Only the supposedly fun things, of course. It was way too early in the morning to get into all the horrible things that they’d both seen. Despite Rachel now being older than him than when he left (time was so fucking weird) it felt like nothing had changed. The years kind of faded away for once, instead of making themselves clearer than ever.

 

Then there was a knock on their door. Pidge entered, looking like she’d run a mile, but with the brightest smile on her face. It must be good news, then.

 

“Shiro! Arm! Allura did it! They’re gonna do the...fucking hell...the...thing, oh just come on, will you?” she gasped before continuing to run. Lance looked around at his mostly sleeping family. Some now waking up from the commotion.

 

“Go on then, dumbass. It sounded important,” Rachel said, and Lance nodded, standing up and running after Pidge and only barely keeping up. He had no idea where he was even going!

 

It soon became clear, though, that they were heading to the infirmary, she’d said something about Shiro, and his arm? He must be alright since Pidge was smiling, but he was worried nonetheless.

 

They turned one last corner and finally Pidge slid down the wall to catch her breath. Hunk, Keith and Allura stood and watched something through a glass window. Lance walked up to it and lo and behold, there was Shiro, already out cold as they began the procedure.

 

“So, wait, what’s going on?” Lance asked, looking at his teammates.

 

“Allura made Shiro a new prosthetic, and they’re putting it on,” Keith explained, smiling at Lance, and all the previous tension melted. Lance watched through the window as the doctors did what they did best. (Cut him some slack, he had no idea of all the medical terms!)

 

“Really?” He turned to Allura now, who blushed and looked away at the attention.

 

“Ah, well, yes, I suppose...” she said, and scratched the back of her head.

 

“Don’t be modest, what you’ve created is quite astonishing,” Sam said, patting her on the back. Pidge perked up at her dad’s presence, too. Allura smiled gratefully, and accepted the compliment with grace. Lance couldn’t help but smile as well. She looked so beautiful, and she’d just given Shiro the opportunity to get his arm back. She was more than just a paladin, more than just a princess. She was a saviour, in more ways than one. The heart of Voltron.

 

From the corner of his eye he could see Keith staring, as soon as Lance turned his head he was met with pink cheeks and a reassuring smile. Then he looked away, instead fixing his eyes on the window, and Lance did the same.

 

Many gruelling hours passed, some of which were spent asleep, everyone of them tangled up in a heap on the floor. Lance’s back was leaning on Keith’s chest, Allura’s head was in his lap, and Hunk leaned against Keith while cradling a sleeping Pidge in his arms. It was uncomfortable, but neither of them wanted to move, somehow the warmth and feeling of closeness outweighed the knowledge that their necks and backs would be sore once they arose. They’d dealt with far worse things and it’s not like they’d even dreamt of leaving. Not with Shiro still in there.

 

Hours had passed. Boring, anxious, joyful, tired hours that seemed to never end, that is, until Sam came out of the operating room. Everyone perked up.

 

“We’re going to wake him up now. Just thought I should let you know,” he said and stepped back into the other room. Despite looking tired beyond belief, there was a relief there. It must be quite rewarding to finish something as big and gruelling as this.

 

As quick as they could, they all stood up, awaiting the moment Shiro would open his eyes. So many things could go wrong, and it seemed that the rest of them felt the same. Collectively, they all held their breaths, waiting. A hand slipped into his left one, he saw that it was Pidge. On the right, another hand grabbed a hold of his sleeve. Keith. He turned his eyes back to window, lest he miss anything.

 

They waited, watched for even the slightest twitch of his fingers.

 

Waited, chests puffed up and shoulders raised past their ears.

 

Nothing seemed to happen, but the doctors looked calm enough. It was the only thing stopping them from bursting into the room.

 

Impatience made their skin thrum with a buzz that none could avoid, not even Allura who was always so composed.

 

Then, finally, there was a slight frown, a hand moving. Shiro’s head began shifting and his eyes slowly opened. Pidge rushed forward, pressing herself against the glass, perhaps hoping that she could phase through the wall if she tried hard enough.

 

The arm turned on, he moved it and finally everyone exhaled, collectively relaxing and feeling like they could pass out on the spot, but the relief was premature. As if the world hadn’t reminded them of their mortality enough yet, Shiro screamed out, convulsing in pain as they all simply stood there like idiots, watching their friend scream in pain, but what could they do besides be in the way for the medics?

 

He could hear them yelling something, but he’d tuned out, worry etched onto his face.

 

“Keith,” he gasped, reaching for the other’s sleeve. Surely he must feel that worry, too. His prediction had been accurate.

 

“I know,” he said, voice harsh, but not from anger, from deep concern and helplessness.

 

Suddenly, Allura runs, her tiara clattering to the ground, and just as he wants to run after her, there she is, flying through the air to grab the arm, pinning it to the ground. Pidge runs in after her, as does Keith. Lance follows close behind, and sees Hunk, as well.

 

For a moment the suspense was running high, until the arm stabilised and floated back to Shiro. His vitals had levelled out and soon after he woke up.

 

“What happened..? I feel...strange. I feel great,” he said, moving his new arm. An airy, relieved laugh tore through Lance, and soon the other’s joined. They sat down on the table and let themselves truly relax.

 

As soon as Shiro got a clean bill of health and the arm was fully functioning they had another meeting to discuss their next move. Namely, Pidge and Allura had found out from Sendak’s memories. Other than the fact that he was an evil son of a bitch, they learned that the structures that had been built all around the globe were weapons and the only way to stop them was to destroy them. But seeing as they had no idea of how, if there were any civilians nearby, the layout, how the hell they were even supposed to go about destroying them. It called for a reconnaissance mission, and Lance along with the rest of his team was to be a part of it.

 

In all honesty, he was eager to finally feel useful. Everyone had been off doing more important things, leaving Lance to drift. Shiro had been debriefed about everything he knew about the Galra, seeing as he had more information than the rest of them. Pidge and Allura had been finding out what they could about Sendak. Even Keith and Hunk had gone out to find Hunk’s parents. Easy to say, he’d felt like deadweight, hopefully this would help.

 

-

 

Later, once they had all finally left the base for the closest structure and gotten into their respective positions. Keith, Pidge, Kosmo, Allura and Griffin on the ground. Lance, Veronica, Hunk and Kinkade in a building overlooking the other group. The building had probably been an apartment complex before...recent events. He could tell from the layout, and even more so by the shattered picture frames of parents and their children. He wondered what had happened to the people that once lived there. Were they gone? Safe? Lost? What happened to the young sons and daughters? Would the Galra really be so heartless as to murder innocent children? Lance wouldn’t put it past them.

 

Other than the tragedy, there was a mission that was going on. He’d been leading Keith through the heavily guarded tunnels and hallways with little to no effort. They’d come a long way from that one time where they had to guide each other through an invisible maze, hadn’t they? (Lance is still not convinced that it wasn’t rigged and/or that Keith didn’t do it on purpose.) Keith trusted him, he knew that Lance wouldn’t screw this up, and it was refreshing.

 

“That thing pick up heat signatures?” Kinkade asked, it made Lance’s chest swell with pride, and maybe boosted his ego a little bit.

 

“It actually locks onto their suits’ sonar imaging and renders a 3D map within a 20-foot perimeters. It’s cool paladin stuff.”

 

_Oh, yeah! Lancey Lance is the coolest paladin!_

 

His parade was quickly interrupted by the other. “I’ve got movement to the North,” Kinkade said.

 

Sure enough, there were three patrol drones, and as soon as they were gone, sentries and more drones approached. Him and his newfound buddy took care of them with ease, making Allura look up at the building behind her, namely at Lance.

 

“Thanks,” she said through the comms.

 

“No problem.” He smiled pridefully, and didn’t notice his sister coming up behind him.

 

“She’s pretty,” Veronica noted, he could see that smug smirk on her face.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he hurried to say. Mostly on instinct really. Why was he hiding his feelings again?

 

_Maybe because you know that you don’t have any for her..._

 

That was ridiculous and irrelevant. He’d always hid his crushes from his siblings. They would never let him live it down! Veronica was the worst of them all. He remembered one time there had been this girl in seventh grade—

 

“Lance! Kinkade!” Allura called, directing Lance’s attention back where it should be, and thankfully getting his sister off his back. They had little to no time left, and as Hunk began shooting down the staircase, he knew that they needed to leave. Now. Lance desperately hoped that Keith and Pidge were finished, it’s not like there was a lot of time to spare.

 

“Keith, Pidge. It’s time to roll.”

 

“Copy that,” Keith replied.

 

“Veronica! Detonate the chaff!” he barked, and as soon as she’d pressed the button they made their way down the stairs and out on the street. The drones had been pacified, but they were far from safe.

 

Only when they were back within the confines of the particle barrier could he breathe out. He hopped out of the cruiser, along with the rest and saw Allura hopping out of the other. She walked up to him and he smiled to greet her.

 

“Hi. Just wanted to say, uhm, good job out there,” she said, making Lance’s cheeks tint pink. He was about to reply when Keith hopping out of the other. He winced as he landed, limping slightly. Worry sparked, running up his spine and prompting him to run up to the other.

 

“Sorry, Allura. Just gotta check on Keith.” Lance walked up to him, already trying to see any larger injuries. Kosmo jumped out as well and seemed to offer support, bumping his head against Keith’s hand.

 

“What happened? Are you okay?” he asked, looking Keith up and down and slinging an arm around him.

 

“Just fucking landed weird while we were leaving. It’s nothing. It’ll be over as soon as I see a doctor. Hurts like a bitch, though.”

 

Lance didn’t want to leave that up to chance. “You’ll be alright. Veronica, take care of shit. I’m gonna take Keith to the infirmary,” Lance said and began walking, not even stopping to wait for a reply.

 

“You don’t have to baby me, Lance,” he said, but made no effort to shake the other off.

 

“I...I know. I want to, though.”

 

They both fell silent after that and walked all the way to the infirmary, not saying a word. It wasn’t exactly awkward, but it made Lance think some more. He hated that he could hardly be around neither Allura nor Keith without thinking about his dilemma. It wasn’t exactly important right now! Or perhaps he was hiding from having to face his true feelings. Or maybe a bit of both.

 

Kosmo seemed to be able to sense the tension, too. He made a small noise of uncomfort, nudging them both closer, but neither spoke despite it. The wolf huffed and relented, opting to simply walk alongside them, displeased.

 

As the door slid open a nurse came up to them.

 

“He sprained his ankle, it might be broken. Nothing life threatening, but still.”

 

She nodded and reached to help Keith along, but before he’d gone anywhere Keith turned to him, taking his hand.

 

“Thank you, Lance.” His smile was genuine, and Lance got the feeling that it wasn’t just for bringing him here.

 

She took a hold of Keith and helped him hop into the closest room, Kosmo following close behind. Leaving Lance standing there. For some reason he felt a bit hopeless. He wasn’t even really sure why.

 

 

 


	12. life in you yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i know you have a little life in you yet  
> i know you have a lot of strength left  
> i should be crying, but i just can't let it show  
> i should be hoping, but i can't stop thinking  
> of all the things i should've said, that i never said  
> all the things we should've done, that we never did  
> all the things i should've given, but i didn't
> 
> this woman's work - kate bush

 

 

 

After everyone had gotten some well-needed rest they’d all met for a debriefing to talk about whatever Pidge found in that base. Keith’s ankle seemed all better now, too. Apparently it was nothing that some minor treatment couldn’t fix. Earth’s medical advances had seriously improved while they’d been gone. It still felt weird that they’d been away for over four years on Earth, when it had only been just over a year for them.

 

He heard all about how they wouldn’t be able to get rid of the cannons and how they’d never get their lions on time, how unrealistic it all was. Lance only listened once Shiro suggested that they summon them all the way from Saturn. It felt impossible, and Lance wondered if he’d even have that kind of power in him, he wasn’t that strong. But what kind of paladin would he be if he didn’t try with all he had? The universe didn’t care if he believed in himself or not, all it cared about was the actions taken. In this case it meant summoning Red all the way from that tiny moon orbiting Saturn.

 

The next morning they all prepared for a counter-attack. No more defending, it was time to defeat the Galra. Everyone was buzzing, be it with excitement of progress or from wild and rampant fear, there was an undeniable hum in the air, thrumming in Lance’s chest. He walked up to the cruiser where Veronica stood, making some last minute adjustments. Before he could take a seat, he heard Allura calling for him. He turned around and saw her standing a few feet away from the cruiser, helmet in hand and a tentative look in her eyes.

 

“I, uh...I just wanted to say,” she paused briefly, looking down and blushing, “I wanted to say...stay safe out there.” A warm feeling spread to his cheeks, as well. It felt nice to hear her care. Perhaps it wasn’t as one-sided as it seemed. It’s not like he thought Allura didn’t have feelings for him, it was just that she’d rarely, if ever, initiated things.

 

“You, too, Allura,” he replied. As she walked back to her fighter jet, he shut his eyes, dreaming himself away briefly. He turned back to sit down.

 

“Looks like the princess likes you back,” Veronica remarked.

 

Lance yelled and turned back around, crossing his arms. “What? That’s crazy! She just cares about everyone because she’s...awesome...like that.” Wait, why was he lying to her? Lance _knew_ that Allura liked him back, at least to some extent.

 

_Maybe you don’t want her to like you back._

 

Okay, nope, that was enough of that. Allura finally did something, took the initiative, reached out to him. Lance wanted that, right? It’s not like Keith did anything...

 

As usual of him, he spoke too soon. Because right there, standing right where Allura passed, her eyes fixed on the ground with a smile, was Keith. He stood right in between the cruiser and the MFE where Griffin was staring at both Lance and him. Keith looked like he was about to take another step, but stopped mid-way. Their eyes met, and the red paladin shot Lance an apologetic smile, shaking his head as he pulled his helmet on and hopped into the jet.

 

God, he was so dumb. Keith had just tried to...but Allura...and Lance... He’d have said something, but there was no time. So finally, he sat down and then they were off. Driving into the desert. He closed his eyes and reached out to Red.

 

Except something wasn’t right. Time passed and as he heard everyone getting into their lions and the MFE-pilots proceeding to their respective bases, Lance grew worried. Where was Red? Had something happened to her? Had he fucked something up? Every fibre in his being tried to scream for Red, begging her to come, and come fast. He was trying to save lives here! Yet, no Red showed up.

 

Then their cruiser was shot down. His last thought went out to Veronica, praying she survive. Then it all went black.

 

He could hear voices coaxing him back to consciousness, then he heard one, clearer than the rest.

 

“Lance?! Lance, come in!” Keith shouted. Lance finally groaned and rose up from the ground. It took a brief moment to recollect himself. Then he remembered Veronica. Suddenly the remaining dizziness didn’t matter. Lance scrambled up from his position to make sure she was alive, called for her, but she didn’t move. He prayed, begged, on the verge of tears. Luckily, she was okay. Well, as okay as one could be after crashing. Alive.

 

“Veronica. You’re okay,” he said, letting out a deep breath of relief. It didn’t last long before shots were fired against them.

 

His protective instincts kicked in hard. Lance powered his shield, firmly planting it into the ground as he took down the sentries and drones. He expected more to come, but the only thing that approached was a fighter jet. Lance felt panic crawling up his spine. Where the hell was Red? What had happened to her? What had he done wrong?

 

The fighter fired off explosives beside them, and he moved in front of the dust, shooting at the craft in one last blaze of glory, but he knew that it was for naught. There was nothing he could do, him and his pathetic gun against a fighter...

 

He braced himself for death. It sounded awful, but he there was simply nothing else to do. His thoughts went out to his family, to Veronica, to the team, to Red. He silently apologised for not being able to save Veronica.

 

The ship came closer and closer. Lance took a deep breath and closed his eyes, still keeping himself in front of Veronica, if only so she wouldn’t have to see it coming.

 

This was it. Everything he’d done was for nothing. He failed when it counted the most.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to everyone on the comms. He didn’t know if they could hear him. Veronica could though, and he hated himself for not being able to protect her.

 

He awaited the blow, but it never came. Instead, a gust of wind blew in his face. An explosion.

 

Red.

 

His eyes flew open, and he smiled, screeching in victory as she roared for him. He helped Veronica up, but she assured Lance to go.

 

“I can handle myself. Go! Your team needs you,” she urged, pushing him away. He glanced back at her to make sure that she was okay and when he deemed her well enough he ran into his lion, bouncing into the pilot’s chair in the cockpit.

 

“And we are go!” he shouted, flying off to the base.

 

“Red Lion is on the move, approaching Base One now. I repeat, Red Lion is approaching Base One, fellas. Let’s get this shitshow on the road!” he said and smirked as Red sped off.

 

Briefly he reached out to their bond, asking her why she didn’t come. He couldn’t understand everything as she didn’t _actually_ speak, and only put thoughts in his head. Not very well translated ones either, might he add. From what he could gather there was some form of disapproval. Something about being untrue to himself. She couldn’t have connect whether she wanted to or not. She’d only begun moving once he’d thought of his family. The purest bond of all, or something along those lines.

 

“My personal issues don’t really matter when the whole planet is at stake, but for whatever I did to make you disapprove, I’m sorry. Now we have a Zaiforge cannon to destroy and a planet to save. Can we do this?” She gave a roar of approval and Lance grinned.

 

“Alright!”

 

As the battle progressed, though, he noticed that things definitely weren’t as easy as they seemed, as they’d planned. Everyone was taking heavy damage, him included. He couldn’t even touch the base. The defense was too heavy. Everyone quickly realised that someone had tipped Sendak off about their plan. Though who it could be was beyond Lance, and all of them, really.

 

“What do we do?” Lance asked, directing it to Keith. In response there was a groan of frustration through the comms, which was understandable. At this point they were just trying not to get blown to pieces. They weren’t doing any damage to the cannons and it wasn’t long before they’d launch. There was nothing they could do to stop it anymore.

 

“MFEs, return to the Garrison! The rest of you, converge on me!”

 

“What are we doing?” Allura asked.

 

“We’re cutting off the head of the snake... We’re taking out Sendak,” Keith shouted.

 

Lance’s jaw clenched, feeling anxious about it coming to such drastic measures. Who knew if they would be able to face Sendak’s cruiser head on with six Zaiforge cannons at his disposal. If one could destroy an entire planet, what would six of them do to Voltron?

 

Nevertheless, it was their best and only option at the moment. Someone had ratted them out, so the only alternative was to do the unexpected. This qualified, to say the least.

 

Voltron came together and positioned themselves in front of Sendak’s cruiser, ready to fight, but before long, an energy beam hit them in their backs.

 

Lance groaned in pain. It was too extreme to even scream. It felt like he was being torn, limb from limb, his very cells dissolving and being ripped apart. Voltron was being broken apart at the seams, and the paladins along with it.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Keith’s body was dumped onto the floor like a ragdoll, he could vaguely make out voices and footsteps around him.

 

So, he was in captivity. Right, the lions, Voltron. The team, oh no, were they okay? Keith didn’t want to move and arouse suspicion which would probably earn him a good hit to his already throbbing head. He just hoped that they were somewhere close by, too.

 

The voices became clearer and the conversation made bile rise in his throat and anger fill his veins.

 

“I delivered you the lions, as you requested.” At first he couldn’t recognise the woman speaking, despite the voice feeling so, so familiar. Then his memory connected the dots and he recognised the voice as Admiral Sanda’s. That fucking—

 

He looked to the side, only barely opening his eyes, and to his relief he saw Lance and Allura, but there was Sanda, standing by the drones. Why was she siding with the Galra? The people who were invading Earth? What the hell was wrong with her?

 

“Now it’s time you uphold _your_ end of the bargain. Hand over the paladins to me and leave Earth.”

 

_Hah. How generous of her. She doesn’t want us dead..._

 

“That won’t be happening,” said Sendak, voice apathetic as he stared down at the lot.

 

Sanda stepped back, looking at Sendak. “We made a deal?”

 

“Throw her in the brig with the paladins.”

 

“No!” Sanda yelled, struggling against the drone’s grip on her arms as it effortlessly pulled her away. If Keith would have had any energy left in him he’d be fuming, smoke rising off his body. How could she do this? Was she really so desperate and stupid? So naive?

 

“Continue assault and move the Zaiforge cannons into position.”

 

Keith’s gaze was beginning to lose focus, black spots slowly filling up his vision.

 

_No..._

 

He woke up again, but instead of the heated bridge he’d been in before, the room, (floor in particular) was cold and the air was damp, moldy. It smelled vaguely of death and rusty metal. As Keith came to, he remembered where he was. He groaned as he tried to get up from the floor, looking around to find that he was alone. He got up and banged on the door, hoping someone would answer.

 

“Hello?” he called without a reply.

 

“Lance?” Again, no answer. Why didn’t he answer?

 

_Please, please, let them be okay._

 

“Hunk? Pidge..? Allura?” he shouted, finally he heard a groan from the nearby cells. He tried activating his bayard, but the lights blinked uselessly, as if they were taunting him.

 

“My bayard’s not working,” he noted, clenching his jaw.

 

“I’m here,” Lance said, Keith exhaled, finally. At least one of them was alive.

 

“Me, too. Ugh, how long have we been out?” Hunk asked, moving about in the cell.

 

“We’ve lost an hour or so...” Pidge noted, falling quiet after that.

 

“What happened?” Allura asked. Relief flooded Keith, at least they were all alive. That was the first priority.

 

“We’re on Sendak’s ship. Admiral Sanda... She...she sold us out.” He slid down the wall. So, they were alive, but what now? No working bayards, no lions, no escape plan, no contact with Earth. He’d failed his team, he was supposed to be their leader and now all he could do was comfort them as they stared down the barrel of a gun.

 

“How could she?” Pidge asked, and Keith agreed. How could she? She was a decorated army woman. Strategical and tactical trains of thought were ingrained in her backbone, surely after listening to what everyone, literally _everyone_ had said about Sendak, she must’ve understood that he would never hold up his end of the bargain. Besides, what would’ve happened if he did comply? Did she expect the Galra to conquer every corner of every existence, _except_ Earth? That of every planet that’s existed in the whole of this universe, Earth would be the only one still standing? That would never happen.

 

They were quiet, trying to process everything that had happened, until an all too familiar voice came through from the other side of the cell wall much to everyone’s surprise.

 

“He said he’d leave Earth if he had the lions. He lied to me. This is all my fault,” Sanda said.  

 

Keith’s breath hitched and he could hear everyone else inhale sharply, too.

 

Huh, so the deal didn’t turn out that well for her, after all. God, they’d all told her _exactly_ what would happen. He was gonna let her know just how right she was about what she’d said, but realised that it would help no one, so he kept quiet. Once they saved Earth she would pay for her crimes.

 

“I wanted to save my people, but now I’ve doomed them. I’m so sorry. I never wanted it to be like this.” Her voice cracked, it was so vulnerable, she sounded so scared. Keith had sympathy for her, but nothing more.

 

“Admiral, what is Sendak’s plan?” Keith asked, if he couldn’t yell at her, or forgive her, making a plan to get out was their best option.

 

“He’s...he’s moving the cannons into position, he’s going to destroy Earth. I’m so sorry. It was never supposed to be this way. You must understand, I wanted to _save_ Earth,” she pleaded, begging for forgiveness, it seemed. None of them had any to give her. They could understand being desperate to save your home. Keith knew that all of them could have made one of her mistakes, but they didn’t. _She_ did.

 

For a moment, everything stood still and the future looked grim for Earth. Death loomed over them, until something shook the cruiser.

 

“Guys? What was that?” Lance asked. Everyone shuffled to their feet.

 

“It must be the Garrison staging a counter-attack,” Keith replied, holding onto the wall as it shook again.

 

“My dad! He did it, he launched the Atlas!” Pidge said and suddenly there was a little patch of clear sky among the black clouds.

 

“Okay, team. We need to get out there. I don’t care how we do it, but we have to. The Atlas won’t win this fight alone!” he said. The questions was, how would they get out?

 

“Guys. I have a thought... If we could call the Lions to us from Saturn, can’t we call them now? Can’t they break us out or something?” Hunk said.

 

“Calling the lions to us and calling the lions to break us out are two different things, Hunk,” Pidge said.

 

He sighed deeply, but continued anyway. “Maybe we can’t, maybe it’s completely impossible, maybe we don’t stand a chance, but we have to be willing to try. If we don’t even try then the war was lost long before we got here. Think of everything we have to gain, and everything we have to lose.”

 

Keith thought of Shiro, of his family. Of never seeing his mother again, of Lance...

 

“Shiro said that we were capable of more than we realise. Maybe it’s worth a shot...” Keith said.

 

When no one protested, he decided that they were going to try. He silently thanked Hunk and moved to sit down on the floor.

 

“Paladins, close your eyes. We’re getting out of here,” Keith commanded.

 

His mind reached out to his lion, trying to find him in the dark of his head. What was he even doing? They hadn’t exactly gotten a manual on how to summon your lion with your mind.

 

He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to imagine Black powering up, to feel the seat under him. Tried to feel the very essence of his being, vague as it may sound, and merge it with Black. Keith tried to think of everything that he stood for, everything that Voltron stood for and everything that he was trying to protect. Soon it began feeling automatic, like he was rolling down a hill, closer and closer to his goal and then suddenly he felt a spark of energy, felt himself become one with his lion, and so, he was off.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Lance tried finding Red, he really did. But he was surrounded by darkness, he was fumbling, running, crashing, getting somewhere, but he didn’t know if it was further away or closer.

 

Lance tried to focus on what he was protecting.

 

He thought of his family. A warmth emanated from somewhere, he followed.

 

He thought of his team. Glimmer of hope.

 

He thought of Earth, his home. A spark of light.

 

He thought of Allura, and the sparks turned dark, disappearing as if they hadn’t been there in the first place.

 

He continued, and found his mind thinking of Keith, and the warmth came back, the light became stronger, yet not quite there. It was as if it remained at a safe distance with every turn and twist he made. Like running on a treadmill. Like being stuck in a rut.

 

 _What do you want?_ He begged, and felt images and memories of Keith pressing into his mind.

 

Was he supposed to make a decision, right here? Right now? It wasn’t important when they were trying to save Earth! But the images of Keith pressed on, so he played along. Letting them wash over him.

 

Lance remembered every feeling of pain that had come from loving Keith, it felt like knives ramming into his chest, twisting, tugging, carving. Every time that Keith had left, every time he almost died. He thought of the hurtful words they’d both said. Of losing Keith. He cried out in pain, tears falling down his cheeks. Despite this he continued running, he needed to get to Red.

 

He thought of every happy memory, hanging out, to saving each other, falling in love, flirting, teasing, slowly but surely removing their rivalry and growing into becoming teammates, friends, more. Every ounce of hope that it gave him to love Keith truly, wholly, deeply.

 

He thought of every touch of their lips, the bittersweet, the heated, the loving, the confused, the scared and felt the light coming closer.

 

He watched as Keith ran to his side, Lance was on the ground, barely conscious.

 

“ _We are a good team._ ” The phrase echoed in his head, filling up every crevice and dark corner of his mind.

 

He saw Keith carrying him in his arms, his own form limp, but mumbling incoherent words. They turned clear for just a second.

 

“ _I saw you in school...”_

 

“ _Huh? Shut up, don't speak, you’re dying,_ ” Keith said, walking faster.

 

“ _As soon as I saw you, Mullet. I wanted you._ ” His eyes shut with a small smile on his face. It faded as his arms fell to the side.

 

So, this was the bonding moment Keith had talked about, he thought it was just the ‘good team’ part, but there had been more. No wonder Keith had been so hurt.

 

“ _I love you._ ” Keith’s voice whispered. He remembered that last night before he left, _again_. He felt like he could see Red’s cockpit, it was right at his fingertips.

 

“ _I love you, too._ ”

 

The phrase boomed in his head, it didn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. He couldn’t deny it anymore. He chose Keith, he wanted Keith. There was no one else and he’d been a fool for thinking that there ever could have been. He loved Allura, too, but she had never reciprocated the way Lance had wanted her to, she never would and she wasn’t what Lance _needed_. He needed someone who was afraid of love, but loved him anyway. Who was scared of being vulnerable, but was vulnerable with him. Someone who not only wanted Lance, but someone who could see past his own wants and put Lance’s happiness first. For both of their sakes.

 

Suddenly, everything was red.

 

Finally, he felt the warmth of Red’s fire surround him.

 

Everything lit up into thousands brilliant lights.

 

He was home.

 

Though it seemed like it had taken forever, he was only mere seconds behind the rest of them. The battle was back on, and he was back in business.

 

They did what they could to destroy the cruisers, and despite not physically being in his lion, he felt more present than ever. More alert than he’d ever felt before and more connected to Red than he’d ever been. Everything felt right.

 

“Paladins! Welcome back to the fight! Now, let’s go take down Sendak’s cruiser,” Shiro said, coming through on the comms.

 

“Wait! We’re still on that ship! Well, our bodies are,” Pidge said, and Shiro replied without hesitation.

 

“Amazing... We got ourselves some breathing room. Let’s make it count!”

 

It was almost funny how quickly Shiro simply accepted that they had taken control of their lions remotely. As if it wasn’t confusing or weird that their bodies were in a different place than their minds.

 

Then again, Shiro had had a similar experience before, right? There was a short reminder that he was partially to blame for the duration of his stay in the astral plane, but his focus was directed back onto the right path as Black tore through the walls of the holding cells. Lance snapped back into his own body with a violent jolt, feeling quite disoriented at first. For a moment he even wished he could go back, but he shook the thought out and slipped through under the door. He had more important things to attend to.

 

They all saw Admiral Sanda, on the floor, and she would very clearly not make it through the coming minutes. Despite everyone being angry with her, they sympathised with her, too. She made the biggest mistake that there was to make, yet, she was human. It was so incredibly human to make mistakes and they knew that. Her cause was the most genuine one, even if it made her act in fear and desperation. So in a sense, they felt for her.

 

“Save Earth...” she whispered with her dying breath, going limp in Keith's arms. he shut her eyes and gently put her down.

 

“We will...” Keith replied with determination.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so the next chapter will be last 'canon' one, and after that it'll be post-season 7, which is when the tRUe juiciness begins, so stay tuned O_o


	13. i only see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but i only see you in all that i do  
> to the rest i am blind  
> i don't want something new  
> other than you  
> for the rest of my life
> 
> i only see you - benton paul

 

 

 

After finally getting back into their lions and back into the fight they thought that things would begin to look up, but boy, they couldn’t be more wrong. Despite the fact that they had used every ounce of power that they could muster it still hadn’t been enough, evidently. The Zaiforge cannons positioned right above the Garrison still fired and the shielding plates had been bound to break no matter what. 

 

It was only with luck that they managed. Only with luck that Shiro managed to sneak onto Sendak’s cruiser and somehow disable it. Only with luck that Voltron managed to guide it away from the city. Only with luck that Shiro managed to stay alive on a crashing ship long enough for Keith to finally kill Sendak. 

 

It was only luck that even though they were exhausted beyond belief, Voltron  _ still _ managed to fight another mech vessel, whatever it was. That they managed to survive two quintessence drainings like the ones the mech was capable of. Only luck that Voltron was able to get the sword in the mech’s body in that split second before it fired off its quintessence powered death laser. Only luck that they won the fight, but at last, their luck had run out.

 

The mech was going to self-destruct and take most of Earth with it if no one did anything and there were only five lions capable of helping. So, now they were all using whatever power they could find and that their thrusters could give to get the mech up into space before it exploded.

 

The strain was rough, rougher than they thought and for a moment none of them thought that they’d make it beyond the atmosphere. But just as their thrusters were about to give out, Pidge called out that Earth was out of range, according to her calculations. 

 

Any second now, that mech would blow, and they didn’t have enough power to move out of range, so instead they stopped, looking upon the hunk of metal and its slowly increasing glow. 

 

Keith found himself feeling a weight lift off of his shoulders, a curtain lifting, so to speak and he realised how tired he was, how exhausted he’d been for the past year, hell, for as long as he could remember, really. Perhaps that’s what death did to you, made you truly see your innermost feelings, your soul in its most honest form and Keith’s soul was so, so tired. He only wished that the others wouldn’t have had to suffer the same fate as him, but perhaps this was their time. Maybe, just maybe, this was the end. Could that even be...peace...he was feeling? 

 

Then, just barely audible, he heard a tiny whisper, he wasn’t even sure if it had been there, at first, but he’d heard it. Heard it loud and clear and there it was, the resentment. Seconds after, the light of the explosion enveloped him and everything faded away into nothingness. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

The bright light took over and he felt ready, in a sense. Lance knew death closer than the rest and he didn’t fear it. If he died saving Earth, then it would have been worth it. He was ready to...meet his maker, if there was one. It was a morbid thought, he’ll admit, but he’d be lying if he said he’d never thought of it before. He’d thought about dying, more than people usually did, and he honestly didn’t even mind. Sure, he wished that his teammates didn’t have to suffer the same fate, but he wouldn’t speak for them, only for himself.

 

But before he went though, before it was all too late, there was one last thing he needed to say. One last thing he didn’t want to take with him to his grave, even if there were many things that he wanted to, and that he now would.

 

“I love you, Keith,” he whispered, unsure if they comms were on, or if anyone could hear him even if they were, but at least he wouldn’t regret that in his afterlife. Granted that there was one.

 

-

 

He woke up, but it wasn’t in some form of afterlife or even in a hospital bed. He was on the astral plane, at least, he was pretty sure he was. It looked like it. Was this what the afterlife looked like? No, it didn’t feel that way. This was no afterlife, despite the desolate nature there was life dwelling in this place. Lance looked around, trying to find the rest of the team. Had they all gotten stuck here like Shiro, or just him? 

 

He heard giggles coming from behind, he turned around only to find himself, or his younger self, running somewhere. 

 

_ “I’m coming,  _ mamá! _ ”  _ He laughed and faded into the void.

 

He couldn’t have been older than seven, maybe eight years at most. He was such an untroubled child back then.

 

_ “We will always love you, no matter who you are.” _ His mother. 

 

Comforting words soothed him in his worry. He remembered, it was from when he came out. He’d been so terrified and cried so hard he could barely even speak, but his mother held him and gave him strength to do what he needed to do.

 

_ “I am so proud of you,  _ mijo.” The voice echoed around him. It was from when he was accepted into the Garrison. Lance had hardly believed it. He tried following the voices, but again, it was like moving on a treadmill, he was getting nowhere, simply being a spectator to his memories. 

 

_ “Who are you?” _ It was Keith, he turned around and saw them both standing on each side of an unconscious Shiro. He still had his Galra prosthetic.

 

_ “Who am I? Uh, the name’s Lance.” _ It faded again.

 

He felt his connection to Blue, but it felt more like a memory, probably because it was. He’d figured out at least  _ that _ . These were memories. He saw himself flying her, they were all crammed into the cockpit, Keith insulting him as usual. Lance found himself with tears on his cheeks and a soft laugh coming from his chest. This was before it all went to shit, back when it was all new and exciting.

 

_ “Coran, look out!” _ Heat blasted his back, and he saw himself slipping from consciousness.

 

Then he could remember shooting Sendak. Then Keith, his face, his touch, his hand, and it all became black again.

 

_ “Yeah, who am I gonna make fun of?” _ The pain was clear, clearer than he thought. He saw them all hugging each other, Keith at the centre. Then he was gone. Disappearing like dust in the wind.

 

Why was he seeing this? Why did they keep showing him this? If he was going to die, couldn’t he just die instead? He didn’t want to relive all his best and worst moments, he just wanted to be at peace... 

 

_ “I...I wasn’t looking at your legs, you ass!” Keith said, even though he was blushing, the fury was all pretend, he was hiding a smile. _

 

_ “So you were looking at my ass?” _

_   
_ _ “No! You’re so annoying, can you just lay off?” They both burst into laughter.  _

 

Lance paused his trip down memory lane when he saw something flicker in the distance, he ran to it, but found nothing. 

 

“Keith? Allura? Hunk? Pidge? Anyone?” He shouted, but there was no reply and the flickering was gone. 

 

_ “Come back to  _ **_me_ ** _.” _ Oh no. Not this. No. He couldn’t watch this again.

 

_ “Keith _ ... _ He tried to...he was going to crash his ship into that shield _ ... _ ” _ Matt said and Lance couldn’t do anything but remember.

 

_ “I don’t fucking care about the universe if you’re not in it!” _ Lance yelled. He saw them both standing there and Keith looked so broken and remorseful. He’d almost forgotten how sick he’d looked back then. Sunken-in cheeks, eyes void of all light, the posture was small and his eyes were hidden behind his bangs that were too long and his stupid hood that Lance still hated. 

 

_ “I’m sorry,” Keith whispered and it wasn’t worth it. Billions of lives would never win over Keith’s.  _

 

_ “One-time thing?” _

 

_ “One-time thing.”  _

 

_ “I don’t need anything back in return. God, Keith. You’re all I fucking want.”  _

 

_ “I love you.” _

 

_ “I love you, too.”  _

 

It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He wondered if that was because he was dying or because he felt the pain from his memories. He decided firmly that it was both. 

 

_ “ALLURA! AAAH!” _ he screamed, he could see himself dying and his first instinct was to jerk away, but he couldn’t. He stood firmly planted to his position, merely watching.

 

_ “No one said anything, no one cares. It’s okay. It’s fine. I’m alive now. All is well that ends well, right? I’m fine. Stop worrying about it _ ... _ Stop. Stop crying, I don’t want to cry _ ... _ ” His voice cracked as he broke down in the loneliness of his own room. The only one who’d even reacted was Allura, but the rest of them said nothing. He wondered if they simply hadn’t known, but it didn’t matter. It was nothing. He could get over it.  _

 

The memory felt fresh in his mind still. He couldn’t even really remember where he’d gone after he died anymore. All he remembered was pain and then warmth from Allura’s healing hands. 

 

_ “I’m so sorry, Shiro. I...I didn’t know. I could’ve _ ... _ ” _ Lance saw himself, tired and broken down from the battle with Lotor and losing the Castle. He was on his knees beside Shiro’s body, on the verge of breaking down. It all inevitably faded to dust, leaving Lance with a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

_ “He still loves you, you fool,” Allura said, and then she was kissing him, and where there should have been fireworks and twinkling stars there were soft candle lights and it wasn’t at all what he expected. He wondered if this was better or worse.  _

 

Every memory he had came to him in a flash of light. It was pain and it was comfort. It was happiness and despair all wrapped into one. It was punches that could break his ribs and then kisses softer than silk. It all came at the same time. 

 

Suddenly he was drowning, losing air and inhaling water. He tried to find something to latch onto, desperately grabbing at whatever he could find. Was this him trying to survive? 

 

Through all of the blur he saw his parents and his family, he saw the team, he saw Blue and Red and Earth. Allura, Keith. He could see them in front of him, reaching out for him, pulling him out of the water. Where would they take him? Would they lead him to the afterlife? Was this the light at the end of the tunnel? Or were they bringing him back to the land of the living? Lance decided that it didn’t matter, he just wanted it to stop, so he took their hand, and it was all okay. 

 

He wasn’t drowning anymore. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Slowly his eyes opened, Keith was somewhere. 

 

_ No shit, idiot. _

 

It smelled clinical and made him uncomfortable. Had he died? Was he dead? No. He heard the steady beeping of the monitor beside him. If he had a heartbeat, he was alive. It was kind of bright though and on second thought, maybe this was heaven. Didn’t they always talk about a bright light?

 

“Welcome back, Keith,” his mother spoke, softly, stroking his cheek. 

 

Finally, he could see his surroundings. So, he must be alive. He was in a hospital bed, with a pulse. Everything ached. 

 

“I’m alive, right?” he groaned, he turned and saw Kolivan sitting in the corner. That was so weird. Where was Shiro? Lance? The rest? 

 

“Yes. Oh, yes. Thank the stars,” Krolia said, smiling down at him, and he smiled back. He survived, somehow, but his worries came anyway. What happened to the others? Was he simply lucky to be here? If the rest of them died he wished they would have just let him go as well. 

 

“Are the others..?”

 

“Yes. They’re all going to be just fine,” she replied and Keith let out a breath he’d been holding since he woke up. Her comforting touches quickly switched into a swat on the top of his head. 

 

“Ow!”

 

“What were you thinking?! Were you just gonna die out there in space?” she scolded, but she wasn’t angry, really. She understood, he knew she did. 

 

“I’m sorry, mom.” 

 

“I know... Now, Shiro is holding a memorial for the ones who lost their families and lives. We should watch it.” 

 

Keith nodded and turned his eyes to the TV on the wall. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

The light became stronger and stronger as he groaned. At least he was breathing again. He could feel something in contact with his skin, it was soft. A bed? His fingers began moving, and he began hearing gasps all around him. 

 

“ _ Mamá _ ?” he murmured, hoping that she’d come to his call. 

 

“Oh,  _ mijo _ , I’m here,  _ cariño _ . Lance, oh, Lance. I’m here. We’re all here. You’re safe, you’re okay, my son,” she said, grabbing ahold of his hand. His eyes finally opened, and he could see his family all around him. His brothers and sisters, his parents, his nieces and nephews. Lance smiled as he realised that he was alive. He was alive and he was safe. 

 

“How are you feeling? Do you want us to call a nurse?” his father asked, sitting beside his bed, but Lance shook his head. If they came, they came, but he wanted to be right here, right now. No poking and prodding. His peace didn’t last long as the worries about his team resurfaced. If he’d been so fortunate to survive, had the other’s too?

 

“I’m fine, where are the rest? My team. Are they alive? Are they okay?”

 

“Yes, brother. They’re all on their way to recovery,” Luis said, putting a hand on his shoulder. A relieved sob tore through his chest. 

 

“Thank God!” he said and buried his face in his hands. 

 

“It’s okay, Lancey,” his niece said, patting his thigh comfortingly. Lance laughed, even with tears falling down his face. 

 

“Come here, princess. Let me have a better look at you.” 

 

She eagerly climbed up on the bed and got into his lap. It made his legs ache a little bit, but it was worth it to just have her cuddle up to his chest like he was the best person in the world. He missed being that important to someone. 

 

“I wanna come, too!” His nephew begged, pouting and grabbing for Lance. 

 

“Well, come on then, there’s room for both of you.” He said and settled comfortable with the two of them resting on his chest. They watched the broadcasting of the memorial together. He wondered if the rest of them did, too. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

It had gone about a week and a half of basically being isolated, save for his mom and Kolivan coming to visit and the occasional check-ins from the doctors. He really wanted to see Lance. 

 

While he’d been unconscious, he’d ended up in the astral plane. He got a rerun of all the most difficult and horrible moments of his life, and the good ones, too. He went through the torture of realising how horrible he’d always felt about himself and about others. Had to watch the funeral of his father over and over again, had to watch himself slowly spiral into anger.

 

But most of all, he saw Lance. He saw all they had been through, all of the tests that their love had gone through, and still it stood strong. At least for Keith. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved Lance and that there was no one else for him. Keith spent more than two years away from Lance, yet his love never wavered, not even for a second. If anything, it grew stronger. 

 

Distance made the heart grow fonder, indeed. 

 

His incessant thoughts about Lance were interrupted when a certain blue wolf appeared in his lap, making him wheeze out a surprised breath. 

 

“Hey there,” Keith said, smiling despite the slight pain. Kosmo licked at his face, delighting in the scratches and pets. So typical of him. A moment later he calmed down and settled down on Keith’s lap, letting himself be pet. 

 

“Who’s a good boy, are you my good boy? You are. Yes, you are,” he cooed. It was the first time seeing him since the battle. His mom told him that there had been some complications with permission, regarding Kosmo and the hospital. Something about allergies and contamination, but they must’ve sorted that out now. Speaking of which...

 

“Hi.” Keith looked to his side and saw his mother coming in and taking a seat.

 

“Hi,” he replied. “So, they finally let him in, huh?”

 

Kosmo nuzzled closer into his lap, making Keith smile, genuinely happy for the first time since he woke up.

 

“Yes. I...persuaded them that you would be more comfortable with familiar things around you.” 

 

“Mom?”

 

“Yes, Keith?” 

 

“Did you threaten them?”

 

She looked appalled at first, but there was a mirth hiding in the eye. He didn’t need a response to know the answer.

 

_ Oh no, not again. They’re gonna kick me out if this keeps happening! _

 

“Mom!”

 

“Keith!”

 

“You can’t just threaten humans to get what you want!”

 

“I didn’t  _ threaten _ anyone, I just...gave them the look...” 

 

Keith raised an eyebrow. “The look?”

 

“Yeah, you know...” Her eyebrows raised ever-so-slightly and her tongue swept over her teeth, namely, her fangs, flashing them for a second before slightly tilting her head, narrowing her eyes. It didn’t exactly look angry, so much as intimidating. Yeah, that was definitely kind of terrifying. 

 

“Mom. Seriously, you’re going to give them heart attacks,” Keith said, in response he just got a chuckle. 

 

“Stop scolding me,  _ I’m _ the mother here.” 

 

They both burst into a fit of giggles and then moved on, easily slipping into a comfortable conversation.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Someone knocked at Lance’s door frame, getting his attention. 

 

“Allura.” It came out as a breath. He sat up straight. It had been a week and a half since he’d seen any of them. It was a relief to see her alive. Despite the doctors telling him that they were all fine, it didn’t seem real until he could see them all, touch them. 

 

“Hello, Lance. Glad to see you’re awake.” Her voice was soft-spoken as she pulled up a chair beside him. Her hands easily rested in her lap. She looked so put together and beautiful, healthy even, it almost seemed unfair. Lance felt like shit and probably looked the part, too.

 

“Glad to see you’re alive,” he said before even really thinking. Allura looked down into her lap. 

 

“Same to you... They said I almost didn’t make it. Somehow, miraculously, I pulled through, but I was about a hair’s width away from death.” Her shoulders relaxed even further, Lance put a hand on her lap, taking her hands into his. 

 

“I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. Allura sniffled, looking back up at Lance and pulled her hands away to wipe her stray tears.

 

“Maybe some other time. I came here to let you know of a decision I made. I’ve had some spare time to think about it now while I’ve been in the hospital.” 

 

Lance nodded, signalling that he was listening. He had an inkling about what this was about. 

 

“I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to step back from you and let you be with Keith.” Lance was glad, in a way, that she was so accepting of it, but her phrasing was odd to him. She made it sound like she was an obstacle. 

 

“Don’t you think I need to choose that?” he replied and Allura nodded, looking back down at their now joined hands.

 

“You already have. I think you made that decision the moment Keith came back, you were just scared. So I’m removing myself from the equation. Besides, I heard what you said before we all...you know.” 

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to trying to convince me? You said that it was my choice. Why do you suddenly think that you have to ‘remove yourself’? You deserve a chance with me too, right?” Lance said, but he knew she was right. He was just worried about her.

 

“I’m sorry for sounding so distressed, I just...love you, Lance. Except not the way you need, or the way Keith loves you. Coming close to dying made me realise how...how badly I treated you when...well, you know. I should have known better.”

 

“Whoa, hey,  _ I _ was the one who told you not to tell them. It’s not something you should be blaming yourself for,” he said and squeezed her hand.

 

“The thing is that I listened to you. Would you have?”

 

Lance was taken aback.  _ Would  _ he? It’s not like he held any resentment for her about doing what he’d asked, but he supposed that...perhaps he had wanted her to tell...

 

“Besides, I rushed into this. I’m still not completely healed from Lotor. I used you as a plaster for my wounds, and that isn’t fair. Perhaps in another life we could have been more, and...I love you something terribly, but only as a friend,” she explained and Lance sighed heavily. 

 

“Allura, I... God... I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Don’t say anything. Just be happy with Keith. Be the happiest that you can be, and then I will be content,” Allura said, squeezing Lance’s hand before pulling them up to kiss his knuckles. 

 

“I have to go. I want to say hello to the rest of the team, as well, but I’ll arrange for all of us to come to one of our rooms and we can hang out. Do something fun. We’ll all be up on our feet in no time,” she assured. 

 

“Yeah, of course... I just want to, uh, ask you to, I guess...not tell anyone about, y’know.”

 

Allura sent him a worried look and tilted her head a bit. “Lance...”

 

“No, wait, I don’t...mean it like that. I just want them to hear it from me. But I’ll tell them, when I’m ready. I will... Just let  _ me _ do it, when  _ I’m _ ready. Okay?”

 

He sighed heavily, obviously thinking very hard about it. “Fine,” she said. The conversation was seemingly over, but she didn’t get up to leave. She seemed to sway, being torn between two decisions. 

 

“This may be a strange request, so feel free to say no, but may I kiss you? Just one last time?” 

 

Lance found himself feeling confused that she’d been so hesitant to ask, but simply nodded. 

 

She leaned forward slowly, their eyes slid shut and their lips met. Again, Lance felt those soft candles burning in the corners of a dark room, but no sparks. It was comfort, but it wasn’t right. He knew that now.

 

“Thank you. I’ll see you soon.” 

 

“You will,” Lance promised. They shared a smile as she left the room. Leaving Lance alone to process.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO
> 
> this is the last chapter before season 8! i hope y'all stick around even if it probably fucks up my fic-timeline lol
> 
> AAAAAH
> 
> p.s. sorry for late update i've been busy!!


	14. the place where i lay my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've seen the highs and i've seen the lows  
> i need a center, you're all that i know  
> you are my home, a beautiful home  
> you are my home, wherever i go
> 
> you are my home - man of leisure

 

 

 

“Keith.”

 

“Huh?” he said, turning to the voice. He saw Allura standing in the doorway. 

 

“May I come in? I need to talk to you,” she asked. 

 

“Yeah, of course.” Keith watched as she took a seat on the windowsill. She was looking good, but he had to admit that he was a bit surprised to see her up on her feet first. 

 

While the doctor came in for the regular check-ups, he always asked about the condition of the others, and although he was reluctant, Keith managed to convince him. Two strange-looking aliens plus a human who they now knew to only be half-human mildly threatening him might’ve helped, too. Poor guy. He told Keith that they were all going to make a full recovery, but that Allura almost didn’t make it. It broke his heart, but he was so relieved to hear that she was okay and to  _ see _ it, too.

 

“I heard about your close call. Are you doing okay?” he asked, she seemed hesitant to reply, but nodded. 

 

“Yes. Well, no, not really, but Coran and Romelle have really helped me deal with it. I’m handling it. I came here to talk to you about Lance.” Keith’s body tensed and his jaw clenched shut. It’s not that he saw Allura as a threat, or that she would tell him to step away unless Lance wanted that, in which case, he would tell Keith himself, it was just that he was still terrified of losing him. 

 

“What about Lance?”

 

“I’ve told him that I don’t return his feelings.” The tension quickly slipped away, melting like snow in the summer. 

 

“Oh.”

 

“Don’t get me wrong, I love him. A lot. Except not the way he wants me to, or the way he needs me to. I’m still heartbroken over Lotor and Lance is just... Even if I did love him in the right way, he loves you more,” she said and finally looked at him. He saw weariness in her eyes, something haunting the magical blues.

 

“Allura... Are you sure?” 

 

She nodded and Keith felt kind of speechless. He’d felt it, he was sure of it, for God’s sake, he’d said it! Everything had pointed to Lance choosing Keith, yet it was still hard to believe, hard to believe that Keith was finally getting a win. He wouldn’t lose Lance, he would be happy. Lance chose him, loved him. Would find happiness with  _ him _ .

 

“You  _ know _ what he said, right before we all... Well, you know,” she spoke. In fact, Keith  _ did _ know. He wasn’t even sure that Lance had realised it, or if he remembered it. But in the end, he really did choose Keith. 

 

“The doctors told me that you’d all be able to be up and walking in two days. That’s, uhm, two quintants, right?” she added. Allura rose from her seat and stopped by the door frame.

 

Two days. Only two days. In two days he’d be able to see them all and get out of this damn bed. Stop feeling so damn useless. 

 

“Yeah, it is. Learning Earth time measurements, are we?” 

 

She smiled sheepishly and nodded. 

 

“Figured, since I’ll be staying for a while.” 

 

There was a moment of silence before she continued. “Well, I’ll be on my way. I just wanted to let you know.” 

 

“Yeah, thank you. Give them my best.” 

 

She nodded, and turned right, walking further down the corridor. 

 

Two days. He could wait that long. He’d waited for nearly four years for Lance already. Two days were  _ nothing. _

 

-

 

Two days passed like a fucking kidney stone,  _ but _ ... They passed.

 

The doctors gave him the clear, helped him up and gave him some clothes he could wear. Just some white sweatpants and a t-shirt. It was good enough, he couldn’t care less about what he was wearing right now. 

 

Still, he caught himself staring in the mirror, trying to make his hair look decent and attempting to wash away the tired eyes, but it was useless. No matter what effort he put into it, he was going to look like shit. Though, it really didn’t matter, not one bit. 

 

The hands messing his hair up stopped, face turning into a frustrated pout. “Stop being such a wuss,” he muttered. He took one last look in the mirror and proceeded to take determined strides towards the exit.

 

Before he could get far, he stopped in the middle of a step. In front of him stood the one and only Lance Serrano. He tried to take a steady breath, but his heart was thumping so hard it could be felt in his throat and he was pretty sure that he couldn’t breathe at all. 

 

“Lance,” he whispered. 

 

“Keith.” Lance’s voice was breathy and his face split one of the most beautiful smiles Keith had ever seen. 

 

It felt as if they saw each other in a completely new light, yet, the same light as well. As quick as they could, they took long strides forwards. They were still aching all over, so running wasn’t really a preference, but they felt like magnets pulling towards each other, the connection growing stronger the closer they got. 

 

As soon as Lance was in his arms, he planted a firm kiss on his lips, letting them slot in perfectly together. Fireworks exploded all around them, exploding, bursting, sparkling. Their hearts were beating faster and faster in tandem with each other. Their bodies were pressed as close as they could without hurting themselves, which was still not close enough. 

 

“Can you feel the fireworks?” Lance whispered against Keith’s lips. 

 

“Yeah,” he replied with a smile, kissing him again. 

 

Finally, after so long, after pining, after heartbreak, after fear of rejection and fear of intimacy, through all of the strifes and the obstacles, they were finally right where they needed to be. Their love survived war, survived them both trying to rip themselves apart from each other, and now they were here. Keith felt happiness blooming brightly in his chest for the first time in a long time. Euphoria. 

 

“I love you,” Lance said, simply standing there, face buried in Keith’s neck and he wanted to stay that way forever. 

 

“I love you, too,” he replied, but they hardly even needed to say it. Keith could feel it, and he was sure that Lance could feel it, too. 

 

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to finally fucking realise that there’s no one else I would rather be with. Allura will always have a piece of me, but she will never ever come close to you. She never did. I know that now.”

 

“I don’t care that it took a while. Had it been any sooner it wouldn’t have worked. We needed this. I needed this. Now is perfect and I will never let you go. Ever.” 

 

They stood like that, simply embracing each other until they heard a victorious, menacing laugh. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Lance turned around, hearing a cackle so vicious and proud, and obviously, there was only one person who could sound like that. It was Pidge, watching and rolling towards them. She’d been fitted with a wheelchair, her leg in a cast. 

 

He broke free from his embrace with Keith and rushed towards her with as much speed as he could muster. 

 

“Pidge! You’re alive!” he shouted and hugged her from her wheelchair. Despite having laughed like a demon two seconds ago she was smiling now, with tears falling down her face. 

 

“Bold of you to assume I can die,” she teased and Lance simply shook his head. 

 

“I knew you were alive. I just...missed you,” Lance said. 

 

“Yeah, me too.” She wiped her tears and motioned to her wheelchair. 

 

“Sick, huh? I’m going to do so much shit in this, and all of you are going to have to wheel me around.” 

 

Lance raised an eyebrow, she seemed awfully confident about that. “Is that really such a good idea? I could take you anywhere. Do you really trust me?” 

 

“Would you really just betray me like that?” she asked, her eyes tearing up again. Her lips turned up into a pout as she looked up at Lance with the biggest puppy dog eyes. She sniffled, rolling her wheelchair away.

 

“I know you’re faking it, but I can’t do that to you when you look like that. So screw you!” he said and took a hold of her chair. She seemed pleased and grinned at him. 

 

“I have everyone at my command,” she said as they wheeled to Keith. 

 

“So, why exactly were you laughing like you’d just come up with an evil master plan to begin your world domination?” Lance asked, crossing his arms. Pidge’s face turned smug again.

 

“I made a bet with Hunk when we got to Earth. He said that you were going to get with Allura, but the both of you looked like kicked, lovesick puppies so I just knew that you’d get together. Hunk called me a fool, but alas,  _ he _ is the fool,” she said and Keith groaned, making Lance look up at him. 

 

“I can’t believe you bet about me and Lance...”

 

“Well, I already won the bet that you’d get together when we get to Earth while Hunk thought that it would be after Naxzela.” 

 

Lance shared a glance with Keith. Both of their faces turned red. Could it even be called a relationship? It probably could since they were both blushing. It was  _ something. _ Pidge did  _ not _ look amused. 

 

“You got together, didn’t you,” she deadpanned. 

 

“Well. Like, kind of, it wasn’t a real relationship it was just...a thing, and then we broke up and now we’re here?” Lance said, shrugging and looking to Keith for confirmation. 

 

“Yeah. Basically.”

 

“Oh, come on!” she said and wheeled away. 

 

“Hey, you! Come to Keith’s room in an hour! We’re all hanging out there, as of now. Because I decided it!” Lance shouted as she wheeled away, waving him off. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get everyone there, go worry about your boyfriend instead.” 

 

Lance rolled his eyes, and saw Keith do the same, but despite it they both wrapped their arms around the other’s waist. 

 

“My room, then?” Keith asked, pecking Lance’s lips. He loved that Keith did that, and that he could expect that now. Casual kisses that would never fail to make his heart beat faster.

 

“Your room.”

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Soon they found themselves in a relatively comfortable position that didn’t make their limbs hurt, though it had taken some trial and error and a lot of laughs. 

 

Keith’s head was resting on Lance’s chest with a pillow between them, legs overlapping and Lance’s arm thrown around Keith’s body. He always melted whenever Lance’s thumb would trace circles or his nails would ever so gently scrape over his skin. It made his skin flare up with goosebumps so violent he always shivered. 

 

“Is this weird?” Lance murmured into Keith’s hair, probably referring to the fingers tracing over his arm. Keith shook his head, then snorting as a thought entered his head.

 

“We’ve literally cuddled naked except for our underwear, I think goosebumps are okay.” 

 

Lance chuckled softly into his hair. It made Keith’s chest heat up. 

 

“Touché... Hm... Can’t wait to cuddle naked  _ without _ our underwear,” Lance mused, making Keith hit his chest. 

 

“Ouch! I’m wounded, you can’t punch me!” 

 

Keith huffed and just hid in the pillow on Lance’s chest, trying to hide his flushed face. 

 

“You’re being a jerk,” Keith mumbled, but Lance just kissed the top of his head. 

 

“Whatever you say, princess.” 

 

Keith looked up at him, with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “I’m warning you. If you don’t stop. I’m breaking up with you right here. Right now,” he said, voice serious, but honestly, who was he kidding? Lance simply smirked and pecked his lips. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Keith leaned back onto the pillow, satisfied with the answer. 

 

“...princess,” Lance added after a moment. Keith felt the crimson spread across his cheeks and tips of his ears. Lance didn’t seem to care, but stopped teasing him. 

 

Despite Keith wanting to maybe kill Lance a little bit there was something so nice about having someone like this. To love and feel loved in return, the one wish he’d always had throughout his life. Sometimes he’d made it hard for himself to love, to let people in, likewise he’d made himself difficult to love, but somehow Lance pushed through his walls and Outside the hospital walls efforts were being made to restore the cities and rebuild Earth. Keith couldn’t help but feel useless sitting in a hospital, but he let things take their time, especially if he got to spend said time with Lance. 

 

Soon everyone began dropping in, first there was Hunk wheeling Pidge in with a bright smile on his lips. In place of his orange bandana there was a bandage. Then came Allura, looking a bit tired, but a lot better than she did the last time she came around to talk. He made a mental note to ask her how she was feeling later when he got the chance. 

 

When Shiro stepped into the room Keith rushed up from the bed despite his body yelling in protest. He hadn’t seen him since before the hospital. 

 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t come in. I was so busy and when I was done visitation hours were always over. Allura got me free from duties.” 

 

Keith wrapped his arms around him. “It’s okay. The only thing that matters is that you’re here now,” he assured and invited him to pull up a chair and join the rest of them. 

 

Shiro greeted Lance along with the rest of them, but Lance looked slightly confused, almost...shy? Keith wanted to ask, but then Coran burst in with Romelle in tow...

 

And Nadia Rizavi.

 

“Hi. I know that we don’t know each other that well, but...uh, Romelle told me that I could come, so...here I am,” she greeted.

 

Everyone gave a polite greeting and though it was mildly awkward at first, they all warmed up to her with ease. She was a really funny and charismatic person, if not mildly chaotic. Keith gave Romelle a discreet smirk and raised eyebrow. He could see how smitten they both were with each other. A part of him felt proud that he helped her. She returned with a nod and satisfied smirk as well. 

 

The rest of the day was spent playing card games and watching all their favourite movies, once again having to explain everything to the alteans, which in itself made it funnier. They relaxed with each other and trying to make light of their horrible situations. Even Rizavi who seemed quite perplexed by all the altean lingo and inside jokes enjoyed herself. Laughing along as soon as she got the joke and butted in with her own. 

 

For the first time in forever they felt like a family again. Like back when this had all started, except they were more connected now, there was more love and familiarity. Even if Keith knew that this wouldn’t last forever and that there was still so much to be done, it felt like perhaps the world was finally letting them rest, but instead of death they had...happiness.

 

Yes, this is what happiness felt like.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, here's the deal right? season 8, everyone has different opinions. god knows i have my own strong ones, but still i really like the show, perhaps not for what it is, but for what it represents, what it could have been, what WE make it. 
> 
> the fandom is a huge part of what the show becomes, and so even if i, personally, didn't like where the show went, i know that it's okay, because as long as the fandom is here it will never die.
> 
> thank you *bows and scurries of the badly lit stage*


	15. ultralife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blood running in my veins, i've never been here before  
> and i got love falling like the rain, i never could've asked for more  
> i got so much soul inside my bones  
> take a look at me now, i'm young, forever in the sun  
> ever since you came, i'm living ultralife
> 
> ultralife - oh wonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo this is the mildly steamy chapter 👀 just be warned, it's nothing explicit, i just wanted to have some vulnerability and intimacy between my bois, y'know, it's another step in their relationship, but before steam there is fluff!
> 
> it's tooth-rotting fluff, you have been warned

 

 

 

About a month later they finally got out of the hospital. They could go home. Or whatever was left of it. From what they’d been told everyone’s house was destroyed in the attack, so there were no physical homes to go back to, but at least they were out of the hospital. Pidge was still in her wheelchair, but minus the fact that she didn’t really have the choice to stand up or go anywhere without it, she was quite happy. She found it fun to torment everyone by forcing them to wheel her around and pretending to almost fall down stairs which always gave everyone heart attacks.

 

Allura told everyone about the huge scar across her stomach that she’d earned from her operation that had almost gone wrong. Lance had gotten a huge scar as well, a burn mark on his front that spread across his chest. Hunk and Keith were the only ones who got away mostly unscathed, except for the nightmares.

 

For some reason, none of them really talked about it, but they all found themselves occasionally gasping awake with tear-streaked faces. Sometimes it had even felt like they were dreaming the same nightmares. Connected to each other, somehow. They all collectively avoided the topic, some kind of mutual, silent agreement but offered each other the support they needed. Simple confirmation that they all had night terrors. It was enough.

 

While everyone had cramped in at the headquarters until they could find more permanent solutions, Keith had found sanctuary in Black for the past two weeks. It was the only place that really made sense to him, and tonight he’d invited Lance to come over as well, things had apparently been stressful lately.

 

He planned to make it a date-ish kind of thing, except the issue was that he’d never had a date.

 

Ever.

 

This was new territory, to say the least. He’d asked Shiro for help seeing as he’d had a fiancé, but he wasn’t much help. He told Keith that he proposed in the bathroom of a fast food restaurant for the sole reason that Adam could tell that he was hiding something. Shiro got nervous and blurted out the question. And there was no way he’d ask anyone else about it. They would all tease him too much. So he simply told Lance to dress nice and meet him at the Black lion at eight o’clock. Essentially he was just saying ‘fuck it’ and hoping for the best.

 

It was currently seven and he still hadn’t figured out what he was going to do exactly.

 

_Don’t call anyone. They’ll tease you and never let you live this down._

 

He reached for his phone that the Garrison had given him and scrolled through his contacts.

 

_Don’t you fucking do it._

 

He pressed dial and waited for three signals until he finally got through.

 

“I need you here in thirty...uh...doboshes with food, drinks and candles. Make sure it’s nice. Lance is going to be here in a...varga and I need your help, desperately. But if you say one word about this to anyone or if you make some off-hand comment I will kick you off the head of the lion so hard you’ll feel my boot for phoebes. We clear?” Keith said and before a response came he could hear snickering being suppressed.

 

“Understood...”

 

“Oh, and Romelle. I mean it, not even Nadia.”

 

Two sets of laughter could be heard. “Too late.”

 

Keith just groaned and hung up.

 

“Why do I always do this to myself?” he asked. In lieu of a response, Kosmo let out a small whine, tilting his head. Oh right, there was that, too. He loved his wolf, obviously, but for this night it might be best if he spent it somewhere else.

 

“Do you think you can stay with mom tonight? Huh? Think you can do that?” he said, bending down to scratch behind his ear. It earned him a delighted lick to his arm, making Keith giggle softly.

 

Before he knew it, they’d teleported. It was a room with two beds, some clothes scattered around but minimal personal belongings and the decor was definitely Garrison. Keith prayed that it wasn’t some random sleeping quarters belonging to someone he didn’t know, or worse, someone he _did_ know.

 

“What the hell did you do! Bad dog...” he scolded, but couldn’t help but to pet him.

 

“Keith?”

 

He turned around to find his mom entering, a bag of food in her hand. Oh. Kosmo had just taken his instruction a bit too eagerly.

 

“Oh, uh, hi. I was just going to ask if you could take Kosmo for the night? Me and Lance are kind of...having a date?” He blushed at the implication, but she just nodded and to Keith’s relief didn’t incessantly tease him about it, as one might expect.

 

“Of course... Wait, actually, my...roommate is a human and terrified of animals. I don’t think a cosmic, teleporting, blue wolf will make that any easier on him.”

 

Keith groaned, but looked up at her, willing to beg. “Please. You’re the only other person used to him. I _need_ the lion empty tonight. Please, mom.”

 

“Fine,” she grumbled. “But only because I like intimidating humans.”

 

“Thank you! Thank you so much!” he said and smiled brightly at her, then realised that he needed to get back, fast. Kosmo was smart, but also quite mischievous at times.

 

“You need to take me back, Kosmo,” he said, but instead the wolf just jumped up in his lap and eagerly licked at his face.

 

“No! Take me back! It’s important! Kosmo!” he shouted between licks, he could hear his mother laughing in the background. A few moments later he was teleported back to the hangar of his lion. He had a good mind to scold him, but before he could do anything of the sort, the wolf was gone.

 

“Devil...” Keith muttered and went back to waiting for his help.

 

He paced up and down his lion and looked over the view from the cockpit. It was pretty nice...really... He climbed up to the head through the hatch on top of the back and found that it wasn’t too chilly. There was no wind, and the temperature was mild. It was a beautiful overview of the desert, in the distance there were mountains, and above them a sun that would soon set, probably in about an hour... Perfect.

 

After 30 minutes, Romelle had arrived with Nadia and big bags of everything he asked for, and more. They helped him carry it up to the head. The perfect place with the best view. Romelle and Nadia both stood in awe for a few moments. Then Keith urged them on and they set everything up. She and Nadia had given them enough food to last for the evening, and it wasn’t gourmet, but at least it was something. There were sandwiches cut into cute shapes, good enough to look mildly fancy along with some crackers and cheese and then two portions of chocolate pudding.

 

“I’m sorry, Keith. This was all we could make and gather in thirty doboshes, so it’s not up to royal standards exactly, but I think Lance will enjoy it anyway. And you did make me quite stressed,” Romelle said while lighting the candles.

 

“It’s okay. It’s great. Better than nothing, anyhow.”

 

She put the crackers of different sorts into a bowl and lined up some strawberries in another. After 10 minutes or so everything was done, and it looked pretty cozy, if he were to be honest.

 

“We’re going to leave now, but first...uhm, is it okay if I touch your hair? It’s just a hunch, but...I think it’ll look nice.” Nadia said, taking a hair tie off from her wrist. Keith reluctantly agreed, if only out of curiosity. She pulled his hair back gently and tied it up into a low ponytail on the back of his head. Then she offered him her phone as a mirror. He looked and found himself strangely fond of the look. He tilted his head, trying to look at it and see if there was a bad angle, but he found none.

 

“Uh... Thanks. I actually...really like it?”

 

She smiled and put a hand on her hip as Romelle linked arms with her.

 

“You’re welcome. Now, good luck with your dinner. I’ll see you around!” And then they disappeared. So, now he had 20 minutes to make sure everything was perfect, and also stress the fuck out about everything that could go wrong.

 

After five minutes he heard a voice calling his voice. There was only one person it could be.

 

“Keith?! You up there?”

 

_Shit._

 

Lance was 15 minutes too early! At least Romelle and Nadia got away, right? He asked Black to lower his head slowly so as to not tip anything over, which went mostly well. Keith had to hold on to the candles, but other than that, it was fine. Then he rushed down to meet Lance.

 

“Hi,” Lance said, but Keith couldn’t reply. He was stunned by Lance’s beauty. His hair had ever so slightly curled into light waves, he had black skinny jeans on and a blue turtleneck. It showed off his broad shoulders perfectly, not to speak of his legs. Keith decided to stop staring and stretched out a hand, helping him up onto the ramp.

 

“You look, uh, really nice,” Keith said, like a fucking dumbass. There were no words that could explain exactly how gorgeous he looked.

 

He, himself had decided to go for a simple, baggy knitted shirt. It was striped with a grey and darker grey, along with some washed out, cuffed ‘mom jeans’ that Shiro had told him to buy. At first he was reluctant, but he could see the appeal, and Lance’s reaction was definitely worth it.

 

“You, too. Seriously, damn, Keith.” He leaned back, and turned his eyes down towards Keith’s ass. Keith shoved him, red tinting his cheeks.

 

He decided that these were now his favourite jeans.

 

“I like the ponytail, by the way. It makes you look really hot,” he said and put two fingers under Keith’s chin, turning his head so he could better see it.

 

“You need to shut up.”

 

“Do you want me to?” he practically _purred,_ raising an eyebrow, a seductive smirk on his face. Keith wanted to punch and then kiss that smirk right off. He was such an asshole and a smooth talker. It was unfair.

 

“I... You’re... Just...just shut up and come up to the head of the lion. I made dinner-ish. I’m trying to be romantic.”

 

“And I’m an assman. Let me live!” Lance teased further and climbed up after Keith. He put an arm around Lance’s waist and took him to the spot where he’d put out the blankets, then took a hold of the candles as the head once again lifted up, giving them the view of the desert. The sun was about to set, it was already becoming yellowish.

 

“Wow, Keith. It’s beautiful.”

 

“Like you, then,” Keith replied, smirking as Lance’s face turned pink. Two could play that game. He pressed a quick kiss on his heated cheeks and sat down on the blanket.

 

“Fair enough,” Lance muttered, finding his place next to Keith.

 

“It was kind of rushed, so I’m sorry that it isn’t perfect, but I just wanted to really have this first date, because we’ve never had the time for anything like that and—” Lance’s fingers had taken a hold of Keith’s chin, turning his head so Lance could kiss him to shut him up. He was rambling way too much. Keith easily melted into the sensation, finally letting himself relax.

 

“It _is_ perfect. I promise... Thank you.” Lance looked at him with a look that Keith couldn’t identify, but it made him feel warm.

 

“I... Uh, okay. Good,” Keith whispered. Lance continued keeping Keith’s face close to his until finally letting go with a grin.

 

“You’re weird,” he said, which earned him an undignified noise of protest from Lance.

 

“I’m being romantic! I’m loverboy Lance, remember? I gotta stay on brand!”

 

“Okay. Whatever you say, weirdo.”

 

Lance shoved his side gently and Keith just couldn’t take his eyes off him. He stared off into the distance, while Keith stared at Lance. This night would be nothing short of perfect. He could tell already.

 

The sun had gone from a light golden tone to a bright pink and orange flare of colour and Lance’s eyes sparkled so beautifully. It literally looked like magic. Keith couldn’t take his eyes off it no matter how hard he tried. He kept finding his eyes flitting back to them, and after a sizeable amount of time Lance finally noticed. He blushed, face turning into the same colour as the sky.

 

“You’re so fuckin gay, Keith. Can you please stop?” he teased and looked away, but Keith just grinned wider.

 

“Oh, wait, did you think this was a homosexual situation? Bro, no homo, I’m het and I like pussy only.”

 

Lance gagged, pretending to shove two fingers into his throat. “That’s even worse. I’ll take gay Keith over straight Keith every day. I regret my words.”

 

Keith chuckled and felt his face naturally turn up into a smile. He couldn’t help it, for some reason. He sighed and picked up another strawberry.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing... I just...haven’t felt my face, like, naturally smile since, like...ever,” he said and looked at Lance, who looked back at him with awe.

 

“It suits you.”

 

After another two hours or so they began freezing, the sun had set long ago and the metal was cold under the quilt. Keith put away all the bowls and left-over food into the bag they’d come in and took it back down into the lion. Lance took the quilt and blown-out candles. They both hopped down inside the lion, which was considerably warmer. But Keith’s teeth chattered anyway, and Lance must’ve noticed seeing as he threw the quilt over Keith’s shaking shoulders.

 

“Thanks,” he said and willed his body to relax, that always helped him with shivers.

 

“I had a nice evening...so...thank you, for making it so nice,” Lance said and Keith looked down at his feet, his face heated up and a small smile appeared. He’d been meaning to ask before, but he’d never gathered the courage, but now Lance was probably about to leave, unless Keith did something about it.

 

“Do you wanna stay...here? For tonight?” he asked, stepping forward slowly. Lance stood firmly planted to the ground. He looked a little bit spooked, but it turned into softness.

 

“Yeah... Of course.”

 

“Good... ‘Cause I...uh...kind of...prepared? For uhm... Fuck, like, I mean...” He took another few small steps forward, the distance was short, but enough for Keith to feel like it was too far away. Before he knew it he was face to face with Lance who was looking more red by the minute, no, scratch that, second.

 

“Sex?”

 

They both giggled, trying to cover up their nervosity. Keith nodded and met Lance’s eyes.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I would love to,” Lance whispered, closing the gap between their bodies. Keith’s hands wrapped themselves around Lance’s waist, finding their familiar spot. It was all so completely, astonishingly, beautifully new, yet so familiar. They’d been here before, and now they were here again, but this time it wasn’t under the pretense of a “one-time thing”. This wasn’t out of fear, or of wanting something, but not letting yourself get it. This was from love, from trust, from security. It was a taste of what they both knew would happen many times again.

 

The quilt slipped off his shoulders, falling down onto the ground somewhere behind him. He honestly didn’t care about his surroundings when he had Lance in front of him. Their lips met and it was tender, like taking small steps in the dark, tentatively feeling your way around, trying not to mess up or get hurt. Keith felt their lips together and it felt like home. Like a place he knew better than the back of his hand, yet it was new. Unexplored. Dangerous. Mystical.

 

Soon, the kisses became more eager. They moved faster as they began scoping out the terrain around them, recognising what they had once known. Lance’s tongue licked at Keith’s lower lips, asking for permission that Keith granted him without a second thought. It explored the depths of Keith’s mouth, coaxing out soft noises from him. Noises that were preserved for no one other than Lance.

 

Keith let his right hand move up to sift through Lance’s hair, feeling the strands run through his fingers, it was soft, almost impossibly so. Keith firmly decided that combing through Lance’s hair was his favourite sensation. The other hand cupped his cheek, letting his thumb feel the smoothness of his tanned skin. He parted for a moment, only to watch the freckles that were dotted all across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

 

“I’ve never had sex before,” Keith blurted out before even realising he’d wanted to speak in the first place. Lance’s eyes widened so much you’d think they were about to pop out of their sockets.

 

“ _You?_ You’ve never had sex before?” Lance said, voice still quiet and gentle, but so fucking loud anyway.

 

Just like that, Keith felt self-conscious. Lance had said it as if he himself _wasn’t_ a virgin, and if Keith were to face the facts, he’d see that too, would’ve have seen it long ago. Shoulder sunk in on themselves and he looked away. He felt himself becoming more and more shy. He crossed his arms and took a step back in some attempt to shield himself.

 

“Hey, don’t close off. I’m sorry if I said something wrong,” Lance said and stepped forward the one step Keith backed away.

 

“No... No. I mean...I wanted tonight to be perfect, right? Wanted to... I dunno, take care of you. Then I realised that I’m a fucking virgin. Sorry, like, kissing and making out is one thing, I’ve done _a lot_ of that, but I’ve never...never had sex. This was stupid, I shouldn’t have asked.” Something reached out to the arms and hands that were hiding Keith’s face. He reluctantly let them be pulled away. Lance looked nervous as he looked down, taking a hold of Keith’s hands.

 

“I’m a virgin, too,” he mumbled, scuffing the floor beneath them. Keith wondered if he’d misheard for a moment, but no, Lance’s cheeks, neck and tips of his ear were red and his eyes didn’t dare to meet Keith’s. He was telling the truth, and he was bashful about it.

 

“You? I...I thought—”

 

“Well, I am. So... We can either do this or I leave for tonight and we do this some other time when we’re both ready.” The voice was firm, as the grip on his hands. Eyes met and stares were shared. They were both nervous as fuck, but Keith could see the lust, the want, the need.

 

“I want to... I was just scared that you wouldn’t... You know, that I wouldn’t be any good.” His nerve endings were on fire and his face wanted to combust as well, but Lance’s cool hand rested against his cheek.

 

“It can’t be anything less than amazing if it’s with you. I don’t care if it isn’t perfect. I really, really want this, with you. So let’s just...let’s just kiss, like always and then we’ll go from there. We don’t need to map out ever step. I’m willing to take baby steps, if you are.” Lance stepped closer, their chests were almost touching and wow. Lance was beautiful from this distance. His hand reached up to touch the tanned cheek and then pulled him in for a kiss, sweet and short. Simply confirming what they both already knew.

 

They both sat down on the bed, hands reaching for faces and waists. Coming closer, pushing and pulling. Their lips met and parted, going slow, resuming what they started before. Minus the growing rush. They were both hungry for more and it wasn’t a secret, but this time they decided to be slower. Not because they were new, God knows that Keith had kissed Lance more times than he could count, but because this time it was for real.

 

Soon enough, Lance must’ve lost his patience. His hand sneaked up under Keith’s shirt, fingers splayed out on the bare skin. It was electrifying and scary and it made him want for more.

 

“Can I?” Lance whispered as his hand already slowly began trailing up, readying himself to take it off.

 

“Yeah,” Keith replied on an exhale. The shirt was tugged off quickly, thrown into a corner of the room. Lance’s eyes trailed all over the newly exposed skin, it made Keith feel scrutinised and way too naked. Bare. Vulnerable.

 

“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Lance said, sounding breathless. It’s not like he expected Lance to think he was disgusting. He knew he was good-looking, conventionally, but Lance said it like he was seeing stars and supernovas. Like he was the most beautiful painting. He’d never felt like he was all _that_.

 

“Shut up, let me take your shirt off too. I feel naked.”

 

Lance raised an eyebrow with that typical smile of his, teasing and playful. It really did wonders to ease his anxiety.

 

“You do know that you still have pants on, and I’m going to change that very soon?”

 

“Listen, I...just...shut up and let me undress you.” He tripped over his words and reached for the hem of his shirt when Lance pulled away all of a sudden. Keith looked up at him, probably with a question mark visible all over his expression.

 

“It’s just... The scarring on my chest from... And my back, too.” Lance’s eyes averted to their laps.

 

“I thought you _only_ got scarring on your chest?”

 

“Another time. I’ll tell you. I dunno, guess I just wanted to warn you about the fact that I’m...not that...uh, you know, pretty? Anymore? At least, not what I used to be,” Lance said.

 

_404: page not found. Keith.exe has stopped working. Rebooting..._

 

Mechanical ticks probably clicked around in his head, like an old watch that had gotten stuck, nothing was really going through. He was stuck listening to one single phrase over and over.

 

_‘Not that...uh, you know, pretty?’_

 

After some verbal consent the shirt came off, slowly peeling off from his chest and back, his arms slipped through and then it was gone, leaving them both topless.

 

Keith stared, no, gazed at the skin. Some would call it marred with scar tissue. Keith called it beautiful. He pushed Lance onto his back, letting his head be supported by the pillows. Then he straddled his thighs, and began pressing lingering kisses all over his skin. His hands went all over it, taking in the new territory, mapping it out until he could draw it from memory. His hands found a comfortable position around Lance’s waist, fingers splaying out on his back while his thumbs rubbed comforting circles into the skin there.

 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered as he kissed over his collarbones. Lance pushed into the sensations, moving his body into wherever Keith’s mouth was.

 

“I love your noises,” he said as Lance whined at every touch, trying to stifle it with his fist, but it slipped through anyway.

 

“I love _you_ ,” he mouthed as his lips pressed into his ribcage.

 

“I think you’re the definition of perfect,” Keith said as his lips trailed further down to his belly button and then his barely-there happy trail.

 

He’d never been good with words, but he was always good with thoughts and here it was like all his inhibitions disappeared into the wind. He could voice his thoughts and express his emotions clearly.

 

In the midst of his exploration he felt something strange. Lance’s chest was jumping, hitching and breathing unevenly. He looked up and met Lance’s eyes, red-rimmed and filled with tears. His head shook immediately, fingers running through Keith’s hair, trying to guide him back to his chest, but it was too late. He pulled them both up into a sitting position.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” he murmured, pulling the man close to his chest, “you need to tell me if something’s wrong, I’m not kidding, Lance,” he said, pulling him closer.

 

“No, I...” A sob tore through his chest as he leaned his forehead on Keith’s shoulder. Somewhere he felt warmth at being trusted like this. Trusted with someone’s heart as it seemingly shattered, except it wasn’t shattering. It was healing.

 

“Nothing is _wrong_ . You’re just so...god, no one has ever touched me like you. Not even just sexually. Like, no one has looked at me and seen me as beautiful, or perfect or anything. Even when I’m so... _ugly._ ”

 

“Hey! You’re not ugly. Ever.” His voice was firm, searching for Lance’s eyes, following his face to try to make him realise just how much he meant it.

 

“I’m sorry. I just...I hate the scars. You see them and you think that I’m beautiful anyway, and you just touch me like I’m important. No one has ever done that. No one has treated me like I matter and I just couldn’t keep it in. I’m sorry. I ruined the mood, didn’t I?” Lance’s voice was trembling along with his lower lip, but Keith smiled anyway.

 

“You know I’m not good with words. So I won’t try to tell you with some long speech, but I want you. So much. So will you please relax and let me have you?” he asked, tracing a gentle hand down his back, feeling scar tissue there too. He wondered when that had come, and from what, but decided to listen to Lance’s request of talking about it later.

 

“Okay. Yes.”

 

“And tell me the _second_ you want to stop, and I’ll stop. Okay?” Lance nodded, but he didn’t lie back down. Instead he wrapped his arms around Keith’s torso, pulling him close. Their lips met again and continued their mapping out of each other’s bodies.

 

After a while, they began wanting more, the kisses had grown eager and they both agreed to undress down to nothing. Naked. Bare. Exposed. At the same time.

 

They’d fought murderous aliens, robots with no other goal than to destroy, climbed into the belly of a beast, almost gotten drowned by acid, nearly gotten their literal life force drained out of their souls, had their brushes with death far too often and far too closely, but by far, this was the most terrifying experience for Keith. Surely for Lance, too.

 

Their pants and socks came off and they just stared at each other, preparing. Fuck. Keith almost backed out, but he knew that it was out of fear, and not out of readiness. He was so ready, he wanted this so badly, but he almost stopped simply because he was afraid of being vulnerable. He could and he would face his fears for Lance.

 

“On the count of three,” Lance said, taking a hold of his boxers. Keith nodded, taking a deep breath and bracing himself.

 

“One.”

 

“Two.” He could back out now, but if he did it any sooner it would be too late.

 

“Three.” Too late.

 

Their boxers were taken off and thrown away and there they were. Standing naked and completely exposed for the other to see. Keith wanted to cover up, but Lance didn’t, so he decided to be brave.

 

“God, Keith. They fucking broke the mold when they made you. You’re so... Fuck. Jesus. Come here and let me kiss you.” They met in another embrace and despite being naked, Keith felt warmer than ever. So comfortably heated, like getting in under a blanket after being cold in the winter. Or stepping into the sun in the spring, when the shadows were still cold.

 

“I love you,” Keith whispered between kisses.

 

“I love you, too,” he replied.

 

They got onto the bed, this time Keith had his back resting against the soft mattress, letting Lance get on top. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment before Lance took a deep breath and spoke.

 

“Are you ready? I have no idea what I’m doing, but I hope that you’ll help me.”

 

“I’m not much better.”

 

“Then we’ll suck together.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And it’ll be perfect _because_ we suck... _Together_.”

 

A smile spread across Keith’s face and he nodded.

 

“It’ll be the most amazing night of our lives,” he whispered, tugging him down for another kiss.

 

Needless to say, the night was more than perfect.

 

 

 


	16. real love is never a waste of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah i know just what you’re saying  
> and i regret ever complaining about this heart and all its breaking  
> it was beauty we were making  
> \---  
> i’m gonna miss you, i’m still there  
> sometimes i wish we never built this palace  
> but real love is never a waste of time
> 
> palace - sam smith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that i chose "Serrano" as Lance's last name, i mentioned it in a previous chapter, but figured that i could remind y'all as it's mention in the chapter briefly

 

 

 

As morning came around, Lance woke up to a warm body beneath him, chest rising and falling in a steady tempo. Memories of the previous night came to mind and Lance’s face flushed along with a smile that was too bright to dampen. 

 

Lance held off on waking Keith up for the moment. He wanted to stay in their perfect bubble a while longer, w anted to revel in the memory of what had happened. As they’d predicted, it wasn’t perfect. But it  _ was _ , in some imperfect, authentic, real way. It was filled with giggles, awkwardness, misunderstanding and some plain old confusion mixed in, of course. They’d both cried, the pure care and affection that they both felt from each other, paired with the fact that intimacy was terrifying and they were so exposed, no walls up. It had been bound to happen. To put it sinmply, it had been one of the most amazing nights of Lance’s life.

 

“Lance...” Keith murmured, voice coming out hoarse and gruff. Instead of answering he dealt with it the only way he could. He crawled over him and pressed a firm kiss to Keith’s lips. A noise of surprise was stifled by the kiss, but heard nonetheless. A soft moan of approval. He felt a hand place itself on the back of Lance’s head, pulling him in. They parted eventually, lips slightly red. Lance grinned in response to Keith’s confused expression. 

 

“Your morning voice is really sexy,” he explained and pressed another peck on his lips. 

 

“Oh? Well, guess I should talk some more if you’re gonna react like that.” A smirk played on Keith’s face as he pulled Lance in for yet another kiss.

 

They continued in the same manner for what felt like an eternity (and it still didn't feel like enough) when he heard the comms beep from the cockpit. Keith groaned and threw his head back in the pillow. Lance knew where this was headed. 

 

He began protesting, but it was a lost cause as Keith looked at him with the most dreamy eyes he could muster. Lance shook his head, looking away. “Nope, not gonna do it. Get up, don’t you dare.” 

 

“Oh, come on, babe... Won’t you do it..? For me?” His voice was gruff and still scratchy from waking up. Keith leaned forward, burying his head in the crook of Lance’s neck, kissing and trailing up to his jaw, teeth grazing Lance’s earlobe. Holy fuck, he was a goner. So Lance groaned, making it completely clear to Keith that he was in fact  _ not _ happy about this. (It was also because Keith was so damn hot he didn’t know what to do with himself.)

 

“Since when did you become such a smooth talker, Mr. I’m-Not-Good-With-Words?” Lance grumbled. All he got in reply was a lazy chuckle that was so effortlessly hot. 

 

He got up from under the warm sheets and into the cold air of the cargo hold. He put on some boxers, but noticed Keith staring. Lance raised an eyebrow, earning a nonchalant shrug and a smirk from the incredibly mean and lazy boy. Who also apparently liked staring at his ass.

 

“Wait, what about us? Won’t they think it’s weird if I answer and not you?” 

 

“Just tell them I’m asleep,” he muttered. 

 

Lance sighed and shook his head. “No, I mean, won’t that...imply something?” 

 

“I don’t care, honestly. Let them think whatever they want to,” he replied, chuckling to himself. Lance simply mumbled curses under his breath. Keith could be such an asshole.

 

Lance stepped into the cockpit and pressed the accept-button. “Yeah? Keith was too lazy to come to the cockpit so you’ll have to deal with me,” Lance said, looking at the monitor to see Romelle. A twinge of jealousy sparked, why was he hanging out with Romelle? What could she possibly want from him? 

 

“Oh. I...I was just going to ask how it went last night, but... Hey, are you shirtless?” Her eyes narrowed at the camera. Was she jealous too? Or was that...amusement? The hint of a smile tugged at her lips.

 

“Yeah. In fact I am. Problem?” Lance made an extra effort to not show the fact that he was practically pantless, too. No need to  _ further _ embarrass himself.

 

Romelle giggled, and shook her head. So. Probably not jealous. Good. Wait, why the hell was he worried about Romelle? Keith was literally gay and Romelle had been hanging out with Nadia suspiciously frequently...

 

“No. Not at all.” 

 

“What’s going on, Ro? And whatever it is shut up, I’m tired.” A groan and flailing arm came from somewhere outside the picture. It was attempting to hit Romelle, probably, but failed. She simply giggled even more. 

 

“Just talking to Lance.” 

 

The figure got up pretty fast after that, and that was when he noticed that neither Romelle or Rizavi were wearing any clothes, only covered by bedsheets. Okay, suddenly he felt very stupid for being jealous. Even more so, that is.

 

“How’d it go last night then?” Rizavi rubbed her eyes before looking at the screen. She slumped against Romelle’s side. “I see,” she added, probably after seeing Lance shirtless. He suddenly felt very exposed.

 

“I know, right? It’s so cute,” squealed Romelle. 

 

Rizavi squealed back, pinching Romelle’s cheeks. “Not as cute as you, baby.”

 

Lance was going to fucking throw up. 

 

“Okay. Was there anything more you wanted other than to snoop into mine and Keith’s private life?” he asked, just about ready to get back into his boyfriend’s arms.

 

_ His boyfriend. _ The thought made him smile, actually, he almost giggled out loud and he realised that he wasn’t much better than the two of them. 

 

“Nope, buh-bye,” Rizavi said, launching herself at Romelle’s mouth and turning off the com. Well, that was a thing.

 

He padded back into the bed and snuggled up to Keith again. 

  
“Who was it?”

 

“Romelle and Rizavi.” 

 

Keith sighed heavily and Lance looked up at him.

 

“Oh. What did they want?”

 

“Just wanted to know how our date went, and they saw me shirtless and made conclusions and by the time we get out of here the whole Garrison will probably know that we had sex last night.” He was _so_ not looking forward to hearing Pidge teasing him and bringing it up non-stop for the coming weeks. It was Pidge, though, so there was nothing to be done. 

 

“Had we left the doors open I’m sure the whole Garrison would’ve been able to  _ hear _ you.” 

 

“Hey!” He hit Keith’s chest. Lance’s face turned red and he looked down and away from Keith. 

 

“I’m just teasing you. I really did love it, though. It was really hot, the way you were being so loud. I’m kinda proud. I have to admit,” he said, smirking down at Lance. In return he just raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Oh, is that so? Let me tell you, if I want to, I can have you in no better shape than I was. That’s a promise,” he said with a huff, Keith just wrapped his arms around Lance and closed his eyes. 

 

“Looking forward to it,” he mumbled, falling asleep again. 

 

Lance sighed, pretending to be annoyed, but fell asleep as well. There really was no other place he wanted to be than in Keith’s arms right now. 

 

An unspecified amount of time later (seeing as Lance had no sense of time after being in space for so long) he woke up to an empty bed and looked around the hangar. He found Keith in his boxers and a t-shirt, sitting on one of the crates and drinking what was probably coffee. He must’ve also heard Lance’s shuffling as he smiled and turned his head to the bed. 

 

“Good morning.”

 

“Yeah, right. Isn’t it like afternoon already?” Lance said, groaning as he sat up, feeling his muscles ache slightly. It was a nice ache, though, feeling even nicer whenever he remembered where it came from.

 

“Probably. We have a day off today, I’m going to be milking my injury-excuse for as long as I possibly can.” Keith stirred the spoon in his cup absentmindedly, turning his head back to it and taking a sip.

 

“You seem kind of distant, what’s the matter?”

 

The smile on Keith’s face grew.

 

“I dunno. I think I’m just...feeling something...”

 

Lance now got up as well and pulled on a random sweater from the floor. Quickly enough, the realisation came that it was Keith’s. There was a slightly musky smell, pleasant somehow. It filled his senses and he remembered hands travelling over skin, hot breaths down exposed necks and legs wrapped around waists. Goosebumps rose on his skin as he remembered even more.

 

Lance settled down beside Keith. He turned to him and looked him over for a moment, noticing the shirt. Then, he felt a nose on his neck, nuzzling it and once again sending shivers all over him.

 

“You’re wearing my shirt,” he mumbled, pressing soft kisses to Lance’s neck, nosing at the skin there, sneaking an arm around his waist to pull him in closer. 

 

“I am, in fact. Now would you mind telling me why the hell you’re smiling like an idiot?” 

 

Lance was way too red for Keith to continue. If he didn’t stop soon, there would be a problem, one that could only be solved naked. Luckily, the teasing ceased, and the man rested his head on Lance’s shoulders.

 

“I honestly don’t even really know... I guess I just feel...happy? For the first time since forever,” Keith said, taking a sip of coffee. 

 

“I’m glad you feel that way. That’s really amazing.” 

 

Even if the troubles were far from over, it felt like they'd finally gotten a break. Keith had promised to come with him to a family dinner in Cuba sometime. He was going to teach Lance how to ride his hoverbike. There were so many things that they had planned to do on their time off. He was so excited to finally have some peace. 

 

“How about you? Are you happy?” Keith asked, looking at Lance. 

 

The query took him aback. What did it even mean? For Lance to be happy? Was Lance Serrano happy? He wasn’t sure. Yeah, he was content, and giddy and this past month, being with Keith had made him happy in the temporary, right-here-right-now kind of way. Why was he even thinking about this? Everyone was alive, on the mend, Earth was safe, his family was okay, even better, he and Keith were going steady and everyone seemed to have found their place here on Earth. Even the Alteans. Why was he even contemplating the matter?

 

“Why shouldn’t I be, right? Everyone is alive and safe, I have you, things are better than ever. I’m happy.” 

 

Keith settled on a hum of acknowledgement. He wasn’t quite satisfied with that answer, Lance could tell. They could talk about it later, though. Lance wanted to stay in the moment a while longer. Then, an idea popped into his head. 

 

He rose from the crate and took out his phone. He opened his music app, looking for a song. An old song. It was kind of sad, but somehow it was oddly fitting for them, at least it had used to be. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Keith asked, turning to him. 

 

“Putting on music. We’re gonna be dancing.” 

 

Lance didn’t fail to notice the horrified look on Keith’s face. 

 

“Excuse me, I do  _ not _ dance.” 

 

“Are you my boyfriend? Yes? Then you dance.” 

 

The music began playing and Lance stretched out a hand towards Keith, who looked hesitant, but took it anyway. They began swaying, just slowly getting a feel for the song. Lance’s hand settled into Keith’s, and the other pulled him close by his waist. 

 

“I...I can’t dance. I’m gonna mess it up,” Keith whispered, looking down at his feet. The effort he was putting into it was kind of adorable. The way his nose scrunched up and his eyes were glued to the floor, putting so much focus on doing it right, which honestly just made it worse.

 

“Babe, oh my God, relax,” Lance said, trying not to laugh too hard. (And ignore how amazing it felt to call Keith babe.) Keith pouted, looking up at him with flushed cheeks. 

 

“Stop laughing at me,” he muttered and stopped dancing, but Lance refused to let go and looked at him.

 

“I’m not laughing at you.” 

 

Keith glared at him.

 

“Okay, okay. I am, I’m sorry. It’s okay though. Let me show you. Relax, let me and the music lead,” Lance said and swayed with him, letting the melody move them around. Lance tried to lead, and eventually they settled into a steady pace. He pushed Keith closer to him, their chests pressing together and they both flushed with memories of the previous night. It seemed like they couldn’t be near each other without remembering hands travelling over skin, chests touching each other.

 

“There we go.” Lance smiled as Keith looked up at him. He finally didn’t look so nervous. Dancing was easy once you found your step. That was what he always said to everyone who thought that they couldn’t dance.

 

“What song is this even? It sounds like something old people would listen to.” 

 

Lance gasped, offended. The song was from the early 2000s so it was admittedly a bit outdated, but it was beautiful!

 

“Hey! Stop bullying my music taste!” he said, pouting as Keith smirked. What an ass. 

 

“It’s called ‘Palace’ by this dude named Sam Smith. I dunno, I just really like it. It reminded me of us.” 

 

Lance leaned his head on Keith’s shoulder. He hummed in reply and let his head fall onto Lance, too. 

 

They quieted down, and let themselves enjoy being in each other’s arms. Lance softly began to hum along, almost not noticing it. Wow, dancing with his boyfriend while humming the song, kissing his shoulder between lyrics. What could get cheesier than that? (Everything, literally everything. Lance was as cheesy as one could get.) Another idea popped into his head. 

 

”I’m gonna spin you now,” Lance murmured, smiling as he felt Keith look up and vigorously shake his head.

 

”No, you’re not. I’m warning you! Don’t you dare.” 

 

But Lance was cheesy and an asshole. How was he to resist? So, he raised their joined hands over Keith’s head and spinned him, guidning him along. To Lance’s surprise, he didn’t trip or fall. As he turned back in, he took the chance to tilt him backwards, one hand on his back and the other on the back of his thigh, pulling it up, hand trailing to his knee.

 

”I hate you,” Keith whispered. Except Lance knew he did no such thing. His eyes were wide, breath bated and cheeks red. If anything he looked lovestruck. 

 

”I love you, too,” Lance said, smirking down at the flustered mess beneath him. Slowly they went back to standing, but he didn’t let go of Keith’s thigh. Instead just pulled him close, noses touching. His smile widened as their lips pressed together. 

 

”We are  _ so _ not having sex right now,” Keith said as they parted, but his body language spoke differently.

 

”Is that so?” he whispered, hand sliding further up Keith’s thigh, whose breath hitched, a small whine making its way out between his lips.

 

”Yeah, you  _ do _ realise that we have to actually leave Black at some point today, right?” 

 

”Mhmph,” he murmured, kissing down his neck. 

 

”Stop it, Lance.” Keith’s voice was breathy, head tilted back, leaving his neck bared. His kisses trailed up to his earlobe. Lance felt hands tangling themselves into his hair, pulling him closer, making it perfectly clear that Keith did not want Lance to stop anything.

 

”Make me.” His voice bordered on a growl, which surprised him and made Keith groan. Lance’s hands found their way to the hem of his t-shirt, beginning to tug it off. 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

A while later they were sitting down on the bed, tired and blissfully spent. Keith had collapsed onto Lance’s lap, his arms wrapped around his neck, nuzzling closer into his chest. 

 

“Told you...” Lance murmured, pulling Keith up further into his lap. 

 

“Told me what?” 

 

“Told you I could wreck you like you wrecked me.” 

 

Keith could practically  _ hear _ the self-satisfied grin on his face, but Lance was right. Fuck, it was amazing. It wasn’t as intimate or ‘special’ as the previous night, but it was amazing nonetheless. Lance was a natural. Neither of them were particularly great at it, but somehow Lance had noticed all of his weak spots earlier. He was a quick learner, that was certain. 

 

“Fuck you,” Keith said, muffled by Lance’s chest. He gave him a light punch in his shoulder, which only made him chuckle.

 

“Later.” 

 

“Is that a promise?” 

 

“If you want it to be.” 

 

They both giggled, cheeks dusting with pink. Keith was definitely not used to all this incessant flirting and teasing, and it seemed that Lance wasn’t either, try as he might.

 

“Ugh, we need to shower. Like,  _ now _ ,” Lance said, making Keith whine and nuzzle closer in protest.

 

“I don’t wanna get up yet! You’re a really good pillow.” A low whine came from Keith and it made Lance chuckle. He’d never thought of himself as the one to get cuddly and clingy after sex, he always figured Lance was the type, but alas, there they were. The previous night had been the same. It hadn't taken long after finishing before he'd scooped Lance into his arms and nuzzled into him, refusing to let go for the rest of the night.

 

“Nope, we’re getting up. Come on, you smelly, woeful koala.” 

 

“You don’t have to be so mean about it,” he grumbled, but got up from Lance’s lap. 

 

They gathered a change of clothes and a pair of towels and went down to drive back to headquarters. Keith had flown Black to a cliff a few minutes away from the Garrison. Firstly because he didn’t want to be crowded around people, but also for the sake of a nice view for him and Lance. 

 

The annoying part was that there were no showers on any of the lions. (Yeah, imagine how fun  _ that _ was while going back to Earth.) A barely functional bathroom was the only thing that made it decently fit for living in. So to get food, or properly prepare it, shower and do anything necessary beyond sleeping required a ten minute trip on Keith’s hoverbike back to the Garrison, or at least to town. He admitted that it was annoying, but worth it to get away from the crowds. Now there were not only humans, but Balmerans, Taujeerians, Olkari and Galra alike. The Galra had admittedly left people suspicious, but after some convincing the Blades were allowed an equal amount of hospitality as the rest. 

 

He’d heard from Lance that they were all randomly assigned to sleeping quarters, regardless of species. (Which he had kind of known, another reason why he bailed on HQ.) At first Lance was paired up with a taujeerian who  _ refused _ to shut up, especially at night. Some part of Keith was amused that Lance had finally found someone who was more talkative than he was. It had resulted in him staying in Pidge’s quarters. Apparently, she was “the odd one out” and got the room all to herself! Complete luck, apparently... (Leave it to Pidge to hack the system to get her own room.) Thankfully, she was kind enough to lend her extra bed to Lance, from the goodness of her heart, you see. That is, until they were found out. 

 

Iverson apparently noticed the glitch in the system after a few days and discovered that a certain Katie Holt was sleeping alone. For some reason, though, instead of banishing her from Garrison grounds as were probably the protocols, he took pity on the team and rearranged everyone so that Shiro, Hunk, Pidge and Lance got to share a room. He also placed Allura, Coran and Romelle in the room next to theirs.

 

Beyond the humour of the story (because it was hilarious) it had really helped with the nightmares. Keith didn’t need to hear the details of the awkward encounter that Lance had one night when he woke up in a panicked state with only the taujeerian to ask him a billion questions until Lance had found his way to Pidge’s room.

 

Finally, Keith stopped his bike as they arrived at their destination. He helped Lance off and slung the duffel bag over his shoulder with all of their things. They walked inside, quickly bumping into Shiro.

 

The man quickly greeted them with the brightest smile that Keith had seen on anyone in a while.

 

“Hey! It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages!” The older man’s voice was like music to Keith’s ears.

 

“The last time we saw each other was literally three days ago,” he deadpanned, but accepted the hug that Shiro had offered, happy to see him again. Okay, so he may have said that he wanted to stay away from the crowd, which he did, but he missed his family. A fleeting thought passed through his head, maybe all of them could sleep in their lions, at least then they could avoid the messy sleeping arrangements  _ and _ see each other more.

 

“Hey, Lance. Nice to see you, too,” Shiro said, putting a strong hand on his shoulder. Brief confusion flashed over Lance’s face, making Keith confused as well. He’d seen that look when Shiro had greeted him whenever they hung out in the hospital as well... Now that he thought about it, every time they’d spoken outside of battles or official business. With last night’s bout of insecurity, paired up with almost everything else, Keith was seriously concerned that there had been something going on with Lance for longer than he thought... This was as good of a time to talk about it as ever, right? 

 

“Yeah. You’ve been keeping busy lately, huh?” Lance said, suddenly back to talking as if nothing had happened. 

 

“We should all get together soon, though. I’m getting a night off this friday. Maybe we could gather everyone by then?”

 

Keith had to think for a few moments, while being in space, any semblance of time-tracking had been lost on them. Coran usually kept track of any events and missions. (When Keith had been away with the Blades it had been Kolivan's duty, or whoever was commanding the mission.) They could track short-term lengths of time like hours and minutes, but days and weeks always kind of melted together. They still hadn’t gotten used to counting time now that they were back on Earth. It was easier though, considering that they had actual night and day to go by.

 

“That’s, uh, two days from now? You know, when the sun has gone down and up twice?” Shiro teased, a smile playing at his lips. 

 

“Hey! It’s not easy getting used to counting weekdays after measuring time by exhaustion!” 

 

“I know. I’ve been there, too. I’ve gotten a routine and work which has helped me, you’ll get there. Speaking of time, I have to go now. But I’ll see you both on friday night,” Shiro said, ruffling both of their hair before leaving. Both of them looked at each other with a pout.

 

“Showers?” Lance asked.

 

Keith’s took a hold of Lance’s outstretched hand and nodded, following him to his quarters.

 

After finally getting clean (and almost having sex, because _god_ they couldn't get enough of each other) they sat down on the bed outside of the bathroom. At least they avoided using the public ones and got to use the one in Lance’s room. Currently, their legs were wrestling for who should get to be on top, constantly gliding under and over each other, making giggles spill from their lips. Finally, Keith relented and let the other rest his legs on top.

 

“I love you. You know that, right?” Keith murmured, looking up at Lance. With the previous night, and all his worries about Lance, he’d been concerned. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was worried about, but part of it was probably that Lance felt unloved. Keith suspected it, at least. They were too tired to talk about it at the moment, and they were both in too high spirits to want to bring them down. So, the least Keith could do was to at least do his part in making Lance feel the love that he deserved.

 

“Yeah, of course... I love you, too.” His voice was gentle, making Keith’s chest swell with warmth as he felt feather-light kisses being pressed into his still damp hair. 

 

“Good. It’s...it’s important that you know it.” 

 

“I know, princess.” 

 

Pale cheeks filled with colour, warming up despite trying to suppress it. 

 

“Told you not to call me that...”

 

“Accept it, I’ll call you princess if I want to. ‘Cause you’re my princess.” 

 

“You’re awful,” he whined. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” he murmured, smiling fondly down at Keith.

 

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo, first chapter of the year, huh?
> 
> happy new year! 
> 
> this fic is beginning to come to an end, buuuuut i'm also realising that it will be a bit more than 20 chapters, maybe 22? 23? plus an epilogue, so i'll change that in a moment, but for now, stay tuned for next week's chapter and have a lovely day!!


	17. alone, that night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> island smiles and cardigans, the nights that we've been drinking in  
> we're here to help you kill all of this hurt that you've been harbouring  
> confessions should be better planned  
> alone, that night, I'm surely damned  
> run away, i'll understand
> 
> an evening i will not forget (acoustic) - dermot kennedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo, hello, sorry that i didn't post last week, but i've been SWAMPED in schoolwork and i really needed that week to rest and prioritize some other stuff, but i will be back to normal posting now!
> 
> oh, and y'all should go check out my other fic which will be updating very soon ;)
> 
> also. sorry in advance. ;)

 

 

 

It was friday, finally. They were blessed with a balmy, comfortably warm evening, perfect for marshmallows. Lance had even decided to be bold and bring some tequila, much to everyone’s dismay (and secret delight).

 

Everyone had flown their lions to the spot where Keith’s shack had previously stood, all that remained was a rubble. Lance saw the bitter looks he threw towards it, and had asked if it was really the right spot for a hang-out, but he had insisted that it was. Trusting his boyfriend to be honest about it, he proceeded.

 

So, when the evening came around and everyone had finally arrived, they began making a fireplace in the middle. Lance, Hunk and Shay were in charge of creating seats made from whatever they could find in the lions. Foldable chairs, blankets, pillows, crates, they had gathered quite the crowd after all.

 

There was the original crew, minus Coran, no adults allowed as per Lance’s and Pidge’s executive decision, besides, he’d apparently been invited to dinner with Iverson and Sam Holt. Hunk invited Shay, Allura invited Romelle and Romelle invited Nadia. Oh, and of course, it wouldn’t have been complete without Kosmo. Everyone naturally needed a seat around the fire, which Lance was proud to admit, had gone quite well!

 

“Allura, Romelle, Nadia. How’s it going with the food?” Lance asked, designating himself as the party planner. He’d bossed everyone around, telling them exactly what to bring and do. Everyone seemed surprised to see Lance taking the leadership, but he found it fitting. They were all quite terrible at planning parties, surprisingly even Pidge. He imagined that she’d be great, but she claimed that her skill was keeping the party alive, she was horrible at any form of planning.

 

Lance on the other hand, knew _exactly_ how to plan a get-together, and for lack of better options, there he was, ordering everyone around, while doing his best to help as well, he wasn’t a monster, of course.

 

“Well, I’m not sure what half of these things are, but Nadia assured both me and Romelle that you would be satisfied, so, I think we’re doing good,” Allura said, huffing as she placed two bags on one of the crates. Nadia and Romelle soon followed after her, so he left them to it.

 

“Keith, Shiro, how’s it coming along?”

 

There was really no point in asking as the two sat, bent down by the fireplace, arguing about safety, as one would assume. Mostly Shiro telling Keith off and trying to light the fire by more conventional means, while Keith wanted to pour ‘just a little bit of gasoline’ on the fire. Whenever he said ‘a little’ in that manner, pleading eyes, filled with nothing but mischief and a small smirk he tried to hide behind innocence it never actually meant ‘a little’. But alas, he knew they could handle it on their own.

 

Hunk and Shay were sitting down on the chairs, chatting about something. Lance left them alone, they’d done their part. Which left only two more to check in on...

 

As he’d suspected, he saw Pidge playing with Kosmo, giving him belly rubs, and also subsequently doing absolutely nothing productive. He walked up to her, small pout on his face and mild annoyance in his step.

 

“How come you always manage to avoid doing the chores?” Lance asked, but despite wanting to be kind of mad at her, he plopped down on the blanket, proceeding to pet Kosmo as well. His fur was really soft, wow...

 

“Because I’m the youngest sibling, I always get away with not doing chores,” she said with a snort, looking up at Lance with a smug grin.

 

“Hey! I’m the youngest sibling, too! That’s not how it works!” In his defense, at least the party was well put together, if he’d had that type of mentality they’d all just be sitting on their jackets, grilling some generic brand, bland-ass marshmallows, not even a proper fire! He was the _backbone_ of this evening.

 

“Yeah, well, you’re also a people-pleaser, if the people ain’t happy, neither are you.”

 

Lance was quick to defend. “Listen, I didn’t com— Wait, that was actually a compliment, or was it just a really bad insult?”

 

“Just stating the facts, interpret it as you wish.” Her hands raised in defense, taking a step back, so to speak. She quickly went back to petting Kosmo, who had noticed the absence of scratches and pets.

 

Lance was admittedly a bit surprised. Bashful, even. So instead of arguing further, or running away to some other so called ‘duties’ he sat back and watched as Shiro and Keith worked on the fire, slowly breathing it to life. By the pout on his boyfriend’s lips they’d probably taken Shiro’s approach. There was also the fact that none of them had died from an explosion, that was a big tip. Nonetheless, his pyromaniac boyfriend was definitely in need of some loving, so he snuck up beside him and wrapped an arm around his waist.

 

“How’s it going?” he asked, kissing Keith’s cheek.

 

“Aside from Keith almost blowing us all up, it’s fine.” Shiro pushed a log around in the fire, making something crackle and a few sparks fly up into the darkening sky. There were already stars beginning to peek out in the lilac-blue sky.

 

“I did not! It was an effective way of starting a fire,” Keith huffed to his defense, cheeks puffing up. God, he was so cute. Lance pressed yet another affectionate kiss, inching closer to the corner of his mouth.

 

“I’m sure it was, babe.”

 

“The snacks are prepared! Help yourself to marshmallows and various foods,” Romelle said, placing a few bags of chips on the ground, along with marshmallows, crackers and chocolate. Allura came with cans of a few selected sodas, some of them Lance recognised, some seemed new, it reminded him of how long he’d been gone, at least from Earth’s perspective.

 

“And here are the skewers, enjoy.” Rizavi set down the utensils, also carrying a few bags of candy. Oh, hell yeah. This was going to be a bomb ass night, paired with the little surprise he had saved up for later...

 

“Wait, where’s Coran?” Shiro asked, looking around to see if he missed anything.

 

“No adults allowed,” Pidge, Lance and Rizavi answered at the same time. It was almost eerie, and also hilarious.

 

“But...I’m an adult?” Shiro pointed out, to which Lance was quick to disagree.

 

“No, well, yes, but you don’t count. Coran was otherwise occupied anyway.” Lance didn’t point out the fact that him and Pidge had conspired against him to get the old man to spill some juicy secrets, if and only if he _accidentally_ became a bit...influenced. (Yes, that was the true purpose of the tequila, and also to get the rest of them mildly inebriated, sans Pidge. But that was for later.) They may know a lot about him, but they didn’t truly _know_ him. It was about time for him to lose some of his inhibitions.

 

It started innocently enough, just friends hanging out, genuinely just happy about getting the first break in years to just exist and not bear the burdens of the entire universe. All while getting to stuff their faces full of junk food.

 

They all caught each other up, Keith told them about his adventures on the back of the space whale, Shay told about the Balmera’s recovery, and also shared a particularly embarrassing story about Rax being scared of the moons they passed on their travels. Romelle talked about life on the colony. Even Rizavi shared everything that they had missed on Earth while being gone, mostly about pop culture and mainstream celebrities. (A topic that mostly Lance was interested in.) But to Pidge’s surprise, she also talked about Killbot Phantasm, a game that they both apparently were obsessed with.

 

A few hours in, things were starting to take a more serious turn. As the people around the fire got more and more tired and bored suggestions of games came in. Things like truth or dare, spin the bottle. Keith had quickly shut _that_ down with a harsh ‘no’ and a possessive glance to Lance. Which, admittedly, made him smirk. It was kind of hot to know that Keith was the jealous type. It was emphasised further as he made himself comfortable in between Lance’s legs, the other’s back resting against his chest. His arms wrapped around the warm body.

 

Lance decided to put an end to their discussion. “Rizavi, would you mind opening my backpack? It’s right behind you, take the bottle out.” Everyone quieted down and looked at Lance as a smirk grew on his face.

 

“What bottle?” she asked, but Lance just nodded towards the bag again.

 

“You’ll know when you see it.”

 

Everyone else remained quiet, anticipation running high among everyone except him and Pidge. She knew all too well what bottle Lance had meant.

 

A gasp interrupted their waiting. “Lance! You didn’t!” Rizavi said, smiling eagerly as she picked out the tequila bottle from the bag. She closed it and put it back behind her.

 

“Did you seriously bring alcohol?” Shiro asked, ever the prude, but there was a smile hiding beneath the disapproving glare, evident by the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. He may have been the responsible one, but there was a bit of ‘rebellious teen’ in him that had been covered up by his Garrison Golden Boy persona. Lance had always known it.

 

“Well, yeah, me and Pidge decided that we’re gonna play ‘never have i ever’.”

 

“ _Pidge_?” Shiro burst out.

 

“No, no! I won’t be drinking, I’ll just watch the chaos unfold,” she said, slowly beginning to cackle. In usual circumstances, Lance would have called her a gremlin and been scared, but now he was in on it, and oh boy, did it feel good to be in on it.

 

“ _None_ of you will be drinking! This is not going to turn into a drinking party!” Shiro protested, through the outbursting murmurs came a quiet, uncertain voice.

 

“What is this al-co-hol?” Shay asked. Oh boy, Lance forgot that they had aliens among them,  how would that affect them? Would they be lightweights? Would they not get drunk at all? Would Lance turn them into alcoholics? Holy shit.

 

Hunk began explaining, turning to his girlfriend. “Uh, it’s a form of drink that physically alters the mind. It lowers inhibitions—”

 

“—and makes everything so much more fun!” Romelle interrupted, making everyone turn their heads, first to her, but then to Rizavi who’s cheeks were quickly turning crimson.

 

“Look, we just tried a little bit, Ro insisted on it and we were completely safe about it,” she defended, hands going up in front of her.

 

The following discussion that ensued was a jumble of protests and exclaims about Romelle drinking, some (ahem, Lance) telling everyone to play the damn game, Shiro and Hunk trying to be the voices of reason. Even Kosmo began making a ruckus from the slight unease and chaos, he eventually left, going up into the Black lion. He’d probably had enough, the poor boy. The bottle of tequila was being passed around from person to person, some trying to put it away and some trying to open it and take a swig.

 

“Never have I ever kissed a man!” Keith shouted, interrupting the noise. He took a swig from the newly opened bottle, and so the game had begun.

 

Everyone quieted down as Keith dropped the bottle from his lips, passing it to a slightly stunned Lance. His fingers wrapped around the bottle, staring at it. Lance gulped it down and passed it on to everyone else who’d kissed a man, which was all of them except Pidge and Hunk. Shiro hesitated at first, but as the group began chanting for him to chug he gave in. There was a hidden satisfaction hidden behind the shiver.

 

“That was awful,” he said, passing the bottle back to Lance who was next in line.

 

“Stop whining, it’s not gonna be your last,” Pidge said, grinning as she took a sip from her coke.

 

Lance snickered at Shiro’s suspecting face and pondered for a moment, he wanted to give him another shot, but he didn’t want it to be _too_ obvious that he was targeting him specifically, not yet anyway. “Never have I ever...been the black paladin.”

 

Reluctantly, Shiro took a swig, it went down easier than the first.

 

Next, Keith took a gulp, glaring at Lance. “You trying to get me drunk?”

 

“No, I would never. Not you, anyway, babe.” He pressed a kiss on top of Keith’s head, smiling down at him. Then he turned his head backward, pressing his lips to Lance’s. God, he tasted sweet. He looked up after a while and saw Shiro who narrowed his eyes, but then flitted to Shay as she asked something about the taste of alcohol.

 

“Gross!” Rizavi shouted, arms wrapped around Romelle’s waist, the aforementioned was sitting snugly in her lap, leaning back against her chest. Considering what he’d seen one particular morning they weren’t much better, there was also the fact that the girls were _literally_ in the exact same position as him and Keith.

 

“Says you,” he replied testily as Romelle reached up to kiss the other’s cheek.

 

Next, the bottle was passed to Shay, who contemplated for a while before whispering something into Hunk’s ear. He looked approving and nodded.

 

“I am unfamiliar with the type of questions that these games use, but...never have I ever...experienced love at first sight.”

 

Everyone stilled for a moment, even if that were true, would one really admit it? What did it even mean? Was it even possible for love at first sight? Lance was overthinking it, which was a sign of only one thing. Maybe it was cheesy, but hey, you love who you love. His eyes flitted to Keith for a second.

 

“You’re all cowards, geez!” Lance snatched the bottle and took a hearty swig before giving it back to Shay.

 

Hesitantly, she took a drink, too. Her eyes turned to Hunk briefly, Lance could see the non-verbal conversation. It was honestly adorable. His insides turned to mush as he remembered his own love-at-first-sight. He pressed a few gentle kisses into the black locks in front of him, smiling as Keith snuggled closer.

 

“Okay. My turn then... Uh, well.” Hunk looked around the ring, eyes landing on Pidge who was flitting her eyes at Shiro, hoping he’d get the hint.

 

“Never have I ever...had white hair,” Hunk said, which made Lance chuckle as Shiro begrudgingly took a swig. He was getting suspicious and admittedly, white hair was oddly specific. Next, Allura took a shot, of course, but then Rizavi took the bottle as well. She passed it to Shiro, who was next in line, but didn’t miss all the stares directed at her.

 

“I had a phase,” she said without further context. Lance was satisfied and directed his attention to the target of the night. He was already beginning to feel a slight buzz, kind of like a warm, comforting feeling spreading throughout his head and his chest.

 

“Never have I ever... _not_ had sex.”

 

So, Shiro _had_ caught up to them, smart move, dude, smart move. Some sputtered in surprise at the crudeness, except Lance and Keith, they both knew how filthy Shiro was. At least, their suspicions had been proven now. Oh, and Pidge of course, she was so fucking pleased with how this was going. The bottle was passed around, everyone taking a swig except Romelle and Rizavi. It earned them a few teasing remarks, but essentially everyone had expected it, or simply not really cared. Pidge reached it out to Lance who shook his head. Now _this_ earned him some stares.

 

“Not for me,” he said.

 

“What?” Pidge shouted, but then just sighed and didn’t even take a second to look at Keith before giving it to Shay. She and Hunk took a swig and gave it to Romelle who was next up. She looked pleasantly tipsy, biting her lip in deep thought. Her eyes flit around the circle, probably deciding who to target.

 

She giggled slightly. “Never have I ever been in love with two people at the same time.”

 

Lance groaned and snatched the bottle, taking a big gulp. Yeah, he was definitely beginning to feel it now. Everything felt a lot more fuzzy, rules becoming a bit more blurry. Everyone else, including Keith, seemed to be somewhat affected as well. The only one’s seemingly keeping it together were Hunk, Shay and Shiro, oddly enough. And obviously Pidge since she wasn’t drinking.

 

_Hold on..._

 

“Wait, what’s _your_ forfeit?” Lance asked, looking at the little shit who’d just been enjoying her time, sipping her coke. How did she always get away with things?

 

“Huh? I’m not drinking.”

 

“Exactly. You need a different forfeit!” Lance hummed, looking around. “Here. Take a liquorice candy,” he said, passing it to her from the bag sitting between them. Her face screwed up in misery. She _hated_ liquorice with a burning passion. Absolutely abhorred it. It was perfect.

 

“No way. What for? I haven’t been in love with two people at the same time!”

 

“No, for the sex thing.” A giggle bubbled up as he shoved the candy closer into her face. He noticed that his words were a bit slurred, not by much, just a bit of stuttering. His favourite type of drunk.

 

“Come on, Pidge. Do it!” Hunk urged, remembering the reaction she’d had last time they tried it. He brought up his phone, probably to film her. She sent him the angriest stare, it only made him smile wider.

 

“You’ve been trying to get me drunk all evening, you deserve it,” Shiro said, eyeing Pidge with a small smirk.

 

“What is this liquorice?” Allura asked, looking at the black little shape in Lance’s hand.

 

“The spawn of evil,” Pidge said, shuddering as she took it into her fingers.

 

“Just a type of candy that Pidge despises, you either love it or hate it, at least that’s the general consensus,” Keith informed, watching as Pidge slowly brought it up to her mouth.

 

Everyone waited, anticipated, and she almost looked like she was going to back out. Then she threw it into her mouth, face scrunched up, eyes closed, waiting for the taste to register. Everyone could see her chewing, and then came the whines.

 

“Can I spit it out?” she asked, or rather begged, already turning around to the ground behind her.

 

“Oh no you don’t, suffer, like we suffer, you little gremlin,” Lance taunted, watching as she whined and finally swallowed. Swallowed as if it were a rock, as if it were rat poison. Then she picked up her coke and downed all that was left in one chug.

 

“There, happy?” She crossed her arms and pouted, letting the game finally continue.

 

“So, Rizavi. Your turn.”

 

She took the bottle and looked around, thinking for a moment. “Never have I ever met Zarkon face to face.”

 

“Oh, come on!” Pidge shouted, obviously unwilling to have another one of the so-called devil’s candies. Allura, Lance, Keith, Shiro and Hunk all took another swig. Pidge whined, much like the baby she really was.

 

The bottle passed to Allura, who looked at it, tilting it a bit and holy crow, she was more intoxicated than Lance thought. “Never have I ever, uhm, been a queen.” Allura looked to see if anyone was going to drink, but then shook her head. “No, of course not, why would _you_ be queens? Pfft, none of you have what it _takes._ ”

 

“Hey! I would be the best queen you have ever seen!” Lance whined, pouting at Allura.

 

“Shiro would make a great queen, just imagine him in a dress like...like Belle! He would be so pretty,” Hunk said, absentmindedly stroking the armrest of his chair.

 

“Would not,” Shiro muttered, cheeks becoming slightly pink. It was difficult to see with only the fire to light their faces up, but it was there, no doubt.

 

“Okay, get ready for this,” she said. Pidge took the bottle, turning to Shiro with a smug look and already stretching the bottle out to him.

 

“Never have I ever _died._ ” An impish smile made its way onto her face.

 

“Wow, Pidge. That was a low blow, but well-played. I admit.” He took the shot and smacked his lips, pretending to feel proud. There was some underlying pain there, but he’d always said that he wanted to be able to take it lightly, he was fine, after all. Something Lance really needed to learn from, eh? So, as the bottle was passed back to Pidge, Lance snatched it, taking a big swig.

 

As he put the bottle down on one of the crates he noticed the eerie quietness. Everyone stared at him, mouths agape. He figured that Shiro may be surprised if no one had filled him in. Shay, Rizavi and Romelle, too, but the rest of them knew, right? Why did they all act so shocked?

 

“What? You _died_?” Keith asked, turning around to face Lance. His hands gripped his shoulders. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

 

Oh, right. Keith. He’d been gone while it happened, too.

 

“Didn’t everyone know already?” he asked, looking around. He turned to Allura, who didn’t look up to meet his eyes, instead she fastened her gaze on her lap, hair falling in front of her face. His stomach dropped as it sunk in. They didn’t know. Oh god, they didn’t know. None of them knew except Allura. What had he done?

 

“When did you...” Pidge trailed off, eyes wide.

 

Lance felt panic creeping up his spine, he needed to backtrack, get away, hide. It’s not like they cared anyway, right? It wasn’t a big deal. Why would they care? He was fine!

 

“When we were helping Lotor with that planet, the shield plate, when Sendak came and we almost didn’t fix the shielding, y’know.”

 

Everyone collectively gasped, some looked confused, something akin to pity. Keith just looked kind of angry, or distressed, eyes boring into the other’s. Lance couldn’t keep the eye contact for long before he looked away, trying to find a way to fix this. He wished more than anything that he had a time machine.

 

“It’s not a big deal, I’m here now, right? Allura brought me back to life, I was fine, I _am_ fine. Who cares? You didn’t notice, had it been important you would’ve noticed, right?” He didn’t miss the way Keith’s fiery eyes turned towards a shaken Allura.

 

“It _is_ a big deal. Lance, you have to tell us, what happened?” Shiro said. He looked sober or at least sobered up, all traces of playfulness from just a moment ago was completely gone, wiped away.

 

This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He’d always wanted them to care, or so he’d said, but not like this. Maybe it had been best left unsaid. He wasn’t even sure what made him do it, maybe it was the shots he’d had, or maybe because he was sure that they all already knew, maybe because he thought that they’d all laugh it off, or simply because those were the rules of the game, but it was a stupid move. He didn’t want this, all this attention, this worry. It’s not like it even mattered! Why did they care?

 

“I was just...I saw Allura in front of, uh, I mean, there was about to be an energy surge, and I was just going to knock her away, and I wasn’t...I wasn’t fast enough. So it passed through Red, and I just...died, I guess. I don’t know? Allura brought me back, though, I was fine. I’m fine. Why does it matter? Can we just let it go?” He squirmed under the scrutiny. He was getting ready to leap up from his place on the blanket and run away. Maybe if he just let them process on their own they’d all forget about it? It’s not like they really paid any attention to him anyway. He wasn’t the important one. If anyone of them were to die, Lance’s death would have the least impact. The hole would be filled in in a flash. That was the reality of the situation. That was the way it had _always_ been.

 

“No. We can’t just let it go. It’s not a broken bone or a slashed up shoulder, it’s actual death, Lance. Even if you come back physically alive and fine as ever, how could you possibly be ‘fine’?” Keith said, hands fisting themselves into Lance’s shirt. He reached up to the curled hands, trying to take them into his own, hoping to get him to let go and relax. There was a fire in his eyes, threatening to explode, and none of them needed that.

 

“Hey, babe. Take it easy. Please. This was supposed to be a fun night, we can talk about this later. Okay? It’s not a big deal.”

 

He was lying, he was lying through his teeth. It was a huge deal, he just didn’t want to burden them all with his troubles. Lance didn’t want to break down, let down his walls in front of all of them, be _weak_ in front of them. He refused.

 

“It’s a big deal to me! A big deal to all of us! How could you not tell us you died? _Why_ didn’t you tell us?” Pidge shouted. Tears were slipping down her cheeks. A sob could be heard, and then some shuffling as Allura stood up and hurried up into Blue. Romelle followed her, probably trying to give some comfort. That was the moment that Lance truly realised that he fucked up.

 

No, he couldn’t do this for a second longer.

 

Before anyone had the chance to stop him he’d sprung up, running away to God knows where. He could feel Keith grappling for his shirt, but Lance was too quick. He ran as far and as quick as his legs would let him. There were voices behind him, calling his name, but he filtered all of it out, focusing only on getting as far away as he could. God, he’d made Allura and Pidge cry, made Keith angry, probably scared off Romelle, Rizavi and Shay. This was definitely not a good way to end a party. It was all his fault, too. He could’ve just shut up and they would still be laughing, having fun, probably getting more drunk than they should, but falling asleep happy and satisfied. Now, instead, they were all worried about Lance, and he regretted wishing that they’d care. He didn’t deserve it. They didn’t have to pretend. They were pretending, right?

 

His feet began tripping, misteping, everything kind of spun and before he knew it, his chin hit the ground with a thud, making him groan as he tried to get up, but it was pointless. Where would he even run? So he leaned against the nearest stone and pulled his knees as close to his chest as he could, hiding his face in between them.

 

Lance said that he wouldn’t cry, but in his loneliness, amongst the quietness of the desert he couldn’t help it. Tears slowly tracked down his cheeks, connecting under his chin and dripped down onto his jeans. Small sobs pushed their way out as he slowly broke down. The ground beneath him was cold, and he felt it seeping through his clothes. Fuck was it _cold_. The fire had kept them all warm, but now that he was so far away, the air felt like subzero around him, making him shiver.

 

Then, suddenly, he wasn’t cold, instead enveloped by fur. It startled him at first, but he quickly came to realise that it was Kosmo. The wolf whined, tongue reaching out to lick Lance’s cheek. The feeling made a wet laugh bubble up, but soon it turned into even more tears as he gripped the fur. Kosmo simply sat down beside him, letting him cry.

 

“I really made a mess of it all, Kosmo,” he said, sniffling into the wolf’s back. A paw moved to Lance’s foot, perhaps a gesture of comfort. It felt that way.

 

He wasn’t sure that he deserved it.

 

 

 


	18. when i die, will i go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a ghost on the 'rizon, when i go to bed  
> how can i fall asleep at night, how will i rest my head?
> 
> i'm scared of the middle place between light and nowhere  
> i don't want to be the one left in there, left in there
> 
> hope there's someone - antony and the johnsons

 

 

 

As he watched Lance run away he cursed himself, he cursed the tequila, Allura, Lotor, Sendak, Lance, he cursed everything he could goddamn think of. Keith was going to run after him at first, but the other obviously wasn’t in a talking mood, and neither was he. Of course, he wanted to make sure that Lance was okay, but if they began talking, he imagined that it would sound more like a screaming match.

 

Keith needed to calm down. More than anything he wanted to comfort his boyfriend and he was way too riled up to do that. So he resorted to pacing up and down beside the fire as the rest of them were talking to each other. 

 

Hunk and Shiro stood around Pidge, trying to calm her down as she, similarly to Keith, paced up and down the blanket she was standing on. Shay and Rizavi stood around awkwardly trying to do what they could, but no one really knew what that would be. Keith distantly saw Romelle and Allura talking on Blue’s ramp. The princess was crying into the other’s shoulder, lips moving slightly. Then he saw Kosmo, watching the chaos that had ensued and suddenly disappeared. Probably running off to Krolia or something. It was understandable to say the least. 

 

Thoughts filled his head, a billion questions that he couldn’t answer. How could he not have realised? Was this why Lance had seemed so odd at times? Was this the reason for the scarring on Lance’s back? He involuntarily shuddered, it looked horrible, not in an ‘ugly’ way, but it looked like it must’ve cause horrible pain.

 

Well, Lance  _ did _ die from it. Quickly, he pushed the thought away, it made his blood boil. He blamed himself for not being there, he blamed Allura for not telling the rest of them, he blamed the rest of the team for not noticing how bad Lance was doing, he blamed Lance for always trying to save everyone and being so goddamn  _ stupid _ . Although, he realised that the last one was a bit hypocritical. 

 

His steps halted and he swallowed hard, feeling like there was a lump stuck in his throat that stubbornly remained no matter how hard he swallowed. Keith needed to find Lance quickly. He couldn’t bare to let him be alone for a second longer. It was dark, cold, he was probably freezing and crying and for some reason convinced that no one would have even cared or wanted to know that he died. 

 

He grabbed the jacket resting on one of the crates and ran to his lion to get his speeder. “I’m gonna find Lance,” he muttered, but was tugged back by Shiro. 

 

“You’re drunk, you’re not taking the speeder. Walk,” he said, looking into Keith’s eyes. He felt some calm spreading through him, but not enough.

 

“I’ll be fine. I just need to find Lance, and quick.”   
  


“No. No more damage. We don’t want to risk another tragedy tonight. You’re walking and that’s final.” The graveness of his voice chilled Keith to the bone. He was right. Despite his best efforts, he felt kind of woozy. Driving the speeder probably wasn’t the brightest idea he’d had. 

 

“Whatever. I’m gonna find Lance.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

They stood silent for a while longer, both trying to process everything that had been revealed tonight. The tension was palpable, almost tangible. 

 

“Did you know?” Keith asked, jaw clenching as he met Shiro’s eyes.

 

“No. I didn’t. I swear, I wouldn’t have let him keep it hidden like that.”

 

Keith’s gaze momentarily flitted to Allura, then back to Shiro. 

 

“Okay. Good. I’m gonna go now.”

 

Shiro nodded, patting his shoulder. “Bring him home, and stay safe. Call me if anything happens.” 

 

After a brief hug and nod, Keith left, following in Lance’s footsteps. It was a more difficult task than he first thought. Tracking someone in the dark while being intoxicated was difficult, but he didn’t want anyone else with him. He needed to do this alone, needed to talk to Lance alone. At least he wasn’t taking a vehicle, and Lance couldn’t have run too far, he was drunk, too. 

 

His eyes scanned his surroundings, trying to see Lance’s footsteps, but it was far too dark. He’d probably gone way off Lance’s track ages ago anyway. Then, his eye barely caught the blue light hiding behind a rock. Even if it wasn’t Lance it was worth a look, and as he got closer he could barely make out a black, furry tail, and the hint of jeans. Was that Kosmo? With Lance?

 

He went closer, and soon began just barely making out the sniffles. For a moment he pondered if he should be quiet or make his presence known, and decided on the former, but with being drunk, or at least tipsy, his stealth level was about as high as Voltron’s. His steps were clumsy, and he even failed to notice the dry twig in his path. It snapped under his weight and the sniffles came to a halt.

 

“Hello?” Came Lance’s voice. He could see Kosmo’s tail stop swishing.

 

Keith decided to give up and just went up to the pair. Kosmo was laying in Lance’s lap, nuzzling closer in what seemed to be a comforting gesture. Hands were buried in the slightly glowing fur, petting and stroking it. A mutually beneficial relationship, Keith mused. Now he also found out where Kosmo had teleported off too. 

 

“Oh,” Lance said, his chest deflated and he looked down at Kosmo again. Keith decided to sit down beside Lance, petting his wolf’s head, scratching behind his ear in a spot that he knew he liked. 

 

“You sound disappointed.” A small, comforting smile found its way onto his face. 

 

“No, not disappointed. I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think you’d come.”

 

The smile fell and an arm found its way onto Lance’s shoulder, pulling him closer. What was one even supposed to say in situations like these? 

 

“How could I not? You...you really dropped a bomb on us there,” he said, for lack of better words. His eyes shut and his head nuzzled closer into the other’s neck, trying to imprint his scent, the shape of his neck and jaw, the feel of their skin pressed together. If Allura hadn’t made it in time...

 

“It’s not a big deal.” It annoyed Keith that Lance could seriously believe that. 

 

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t care, that it didn’t affect you at all. Look me in the eyes and tell me that dying didn’t mean anything to you,” Keith dared, turning his head towards Lance, waiting for their eyes to meet, but they never did. Instead, his lower lip trembled and his eyes welled up, filling with tears that soon fell down his face. 

 

“Can...can I be honest with you? I mean, I don’t need to ask that, but I’m just saying that I’m going to be, and you probably won’t like it.” Tears fell down his face and he wiped them away with shaky hands, taking several deep breaths. In response to the shifting, Kosmo moved, snuggling closer into Lance’s lap.

 

“Of course,” Keith said, voice gentle and quiet. He reached out his hand to caress his cheek, thumb moving over his cheekbones.

 

“Okay, well, uhh...I guess, a part of me wished that they’d said something, you know, noticed the fact that I was constantly feeling like shit. I also kind of thought they knew, so I guess I hoped someone would say  _ something _ .” Lance paused, his mouth opening and closing in contemplation. “But then again, a bitter, dark part of me said that I...that I deserved it. I know how that sounds, but that’s how it was, and as time went on I fell deeper into my own loneliness and harder and harder in love with Allura and she fell further and further away from me. Everyone else just kind of had their own thing and I was just...in the way. Like I shouldn't even have been there in the first place. I still kind of feel like that sometimes, I guess...” Hesitation etched its way onto Lance’s face in the shape of a wrinkle in between his brows, the corners of his mouth were downturned in stark contrast to the usual mirthful grin.

 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice,” he whispered, thinking about all of the suspicions he had, all of the hints thrown at him, all of the chances he had to reach out, ask Lance how he was doing, or ask about the time he was gone. 

 

“You had more important things to think about.” He dismissed it with a wave of his hand, shrugging over the matter, which only broke Keith’s heart further. 

 

“None of them were as important as you.”

 

Lance looked at him with a frown, but it slowly melted, giving way to a more neutral expression. An audible gulp. Brief lick of his lips. He was leaning in slowly, eyes fluttering shut and head tilting to the side. Keith could taste the tequila on his lips, smell the smoke from the fire on his jacket, and as his fingers moved to the back of his neck he could feel how cold his skin was. It reminded him that they needed to get going.

 

“Hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves... Everyone’s worried about you,” he whispered, watching Lance nod and take a deep breath. His legs began moving around, but Kosmo didn’t move, instead looking up at them inquisitively, head tilting from side to side. 

 

“We need to go back. Maybe you can take us, hmph?” Keith asked, petting his head. The wolf looked up at them, unresponsive, when wuddenly they were unceremoniously plopped onto the ramp of Red. Keith gathered his bearings and somehow managed to get upright. Teleporting while tipsy was definitely not doing him any favours in terms of dizziness. His legs stumbled around a bit, and then helped Lance up. 

 

“Thanks,” Lance said, “for everything.” His eyebrows were upturned with a small crinkle between them, a shy, testing smile on his face.

 

Keith smiled back, letting his face relax as they walked out to the rest of them, Kosmo trailing not far behind. Allura was now sitting by the fireplace a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Romelle sat beside her, seemingly trying to comfort the obviously distressed princess. He also noticed that the yellow lion was missing, along with Hunk(obviously), Shay and Rizavi. Shiro had arms wrapped around a very shaken Pidge, gently lulling them both side to side. 

 

As soon as they saw Keith and Lance, everyone stopped, Allura stood up first, her mouth opened, but then closed. The blanket previously around her shoulders fell to the ground. Romelle looked up at her and then at them, giving the boys a small wave and a sympathetic smile. Keith nodded to her. 

 

Shiro finally seemed to notice as well, and stopped his swaying. It didn’t go unnoticed by Pidge. She turned around and let her eyes fall on Lance. In fact, everyone’s eyes were on Lance. Keith could feel the anxiety seeping off of the boy beside him.

 

“Keith...” he whispered, hand tensing around Keith’s waist. 

 

In response he hushed him and pressed him closer. “I’m right here.”

 

Finally, Keith sat down on one of the larger crates, pulling Lance down beside him. He glanced across the crowd and remembered their missing members. “Uh, Yellow isn’t here.”

 

“Hm? Oh, right, yes, Hunk offered to take Shay and Nadia back home. It felt like kind of a...family matter. He’ll be back soon. I was going to leave, too, but Allura insisted that I stay,” Romelle explained. She seemed relatively collected about all of this, not in the sense that it didn’t affect her, Keith could see that it did, but there was something mature about her. The way her voice was calm and quiet, face serious whenever she spoke. She also seemed to have sobered up.

 

“Hey, wait, Hunk was drinking, too, why did he drive the lion?” Keith asked.

 

“The lions can make up for minor intoxication, and Hunk had only had two small shots. The rest of us were less modest about it. They needed to get back somehow, and it wasn’t fair to let them walk all the way back,” Allura explained, her voice was frail, wobbly. It was almost like she would break down at any second. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the guilt that she was feeling.

 

A breeze fell upon them, making the embers glow and spark, the few flames still remaining flickered, dancing with the gust of air. Everyone turned to the source of the noise and saw Yellow landing in his previous spot. The jaw opened up, bowed down and gave way to a tired-looking Hunk, though his face lightened up at seeing Lance. Keith moved his arm away from his waist, urging him to meet the other halfway. They both needed a hug, Hunk had looked utterly miserable before Keith left to find Lance.

 

“How is he doing?” Shiro asked, sitting down beside Keith. His eyes turned away from the hug and to his side. 

 

“He’ll...get better, but yeah, the stuff he said, it wasn’t good...” His eyes turned back to Lance, watching big arms wrap around his torso, Hunk said something that made him nod. “Could I have stopped this? What if I hadn’t left? Would Lance have been okay?”

 

“I don’t know.” Shiro left it at that, and he imagined that he’d wanted to add something, but his eyes drifted somewhere far away, glazing over. It was oddly unmotivating, and motivation was basically Shiro’s middle name, but Keith decided not to push anything and let his eyes fall on Pidge, who was slowly walking up to Hunk and Lance. 

 

He watched the scene unfold as the two looked to her. She said something, Keith could hear her voice, but not loud enough to grasp exactly what she’d been saying. Only saw Lance give her a watery smile and hug her, lifting her up and gripping her as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did, he absentmindedly thought. 

 

His hand reached out for the forgotten tequila bottle beside him, considering taking a shot, but decided against it. If anything, he needed to sober up, not just worsen the already inevitable hangover he would wake up with. 

 

_ Eh, fuck it.  _

 

He popped the cap and downed a small gulp. If he was going to have a hangover tomorrow he might as well go all out, no? The small gulp became a bigger gulp before he managed to tear the flask from his lips. He closed it and put it away, letting the liquid pour down his throat, heating his belly. Okay, fine, it didn’t do  _ that _ much, at least not yet. But he felt it, some of it. 

 

God, this evening had  _ definitely not _ turned out how he expected it to, but he wouldn’t change it. What had been said tonight was important, no,  _ vital _ information. 

 

The reminder of what Lance had shared made his skin crawl and kickstarted his protective instincts once more. Keith stood up from the crate he’d sat on and found that his balance wasn’t too impaired, at least no more than it had been before. So he walked up beside Lance, an arm wrapping around his waist, pulling him in closer. In response, his head leaned on Keith’s shoulder, body turning towards him. 

 

There was a silence, filled with words that neither of them knew how to say, until Hunk yawned. “I’m sorry, guys. I’m gonna try to sleep. But we need to talk more tomorrow. Goodnight, buddy,” he said and finished with a hug for Lance, then said goodnight to the rest of them.

 

“Yeah. Goodnight, and thank you for, y’know.” Lance looked down, an awkward, hesitant smile on his lips. Hunk simply nodded, hugged Lance, then Pidge goodnight and then turned to Keith, wrapping him up in his famous teddy bear hugs. They were truly underrated.

 

“I...I think I’m gonna go to sleep, too,” Lance said, looking up at Keith and then to Red, ”you don’t mind, uh, sleeping in Red, with me, right? I was thinking that Shiro would take Black and—”

 

“Yeah. Of course.” Keith’s hand squeezed around his waist, gently reassuring him. They shared a smile before turning to Pidge, who cleared her throat. 

 

“Goodnight,” she murmured, adjusting her glasses as she turned around to leave. Before she could take as much as three steps, Lance rushed up to her and wrapped his long arms around her, whispering something into her ear. It must’ve been something really impactful, ‘cause her eyes squeezed tightly together, tears pushing forwards and falling down her face. She nodded and finally let go, wiping her eyes and walked into Green, glancing back every so often, as if to make sure that Lance was still there. She gave him a parting wave before disappearing from sight. 

 

Keith took a moment to just watch Lance, drooping shoulders and hands hanging almost limply at his side. He couldn’t see his expression, but he didn’t imagine it to be particularly happy. 

 

“You boys heading to sleep soon?” Shiro asked, folding the blankets up and putting them in one of the crates. They both turned their heads towards the voice and Keith nodded, taking Lance’s hand and pulling him towards the fireplace, the only things that remained now were a few embers sparking and glowing. The only other light source came from the soft glow emanating from each lion, it gave them just enough light so they could walk without tripping over every bump and dip on the ground. 

 

“Where did Allura and Romelle go?” Lance asked, leaning in closer to Keith. 

 

“Went to sleep, they’re in Blue... Also, how do you want to do with us? I know Black is your lion, Keith, and Red is yours, Lance, but I reckon you two will want to sleep in the same one, so just let me know which one I should sleep in.” 

 

“I guess it would make sense for both of us to sleep in Red, seeing as we have both been her paladin at some point...or something, and you’ve been Black’s paladin, so it would make sense for you to sleep there rather than any other lion, I guess, I dunno,” Keith said. 

 

Shiro nodded, closing one of the crates. “Okay. Works just fine with me,” he said nothing more, yet they didn’t leave. 

 

“Do you need any help?” Lance finally asked, making Shiro pause and look up at him. 

 

“No. I’ll handle this. Seriously, Lance, go to sleep. It’s okay. You look tired as hell.” 

 

But of course, Lance began instead attempting to lift one of the crates, which resulted in him almost tripping backwards and pulling the heavy crate on top of him. Keith sprung to his rescue, supporting his back and helping him find his balance again as they set the crate down. 

 

“You’re such an idiot, you’re drunk and ready to drop dead and  _ still _ you insist on lifting a crate twice your size,” Keith muttered, taking his hand. But Lance seemed stubborn. Tired, but stubborn. 

 

“Hey! Shiro took shots like the rest of us, why isn’t he stumbling around like an idiot?” 

 

Shiro took the liberty of responding as he lifted one of the larger crates. “I actually don’t know. I think this body just doesn’t get drunk for some reason, maybe it has something to do with not technically being a human body, or at least a genetically engineered one? I don’t know, but I was never drunk.”

 

“Awh, man!” he exclaimed. Keith frowned and was about to ask about it, but Lance seemed to finally give up and get ready to leave, so he decided not to indulge in further conversation and stumbled to Red, waving Shiro goodbye and feeling her head lift, the floor beneath them slightly rumbling.

 

It was odd coming into Red. He could feel their bond still there, they could talk, and she could understand him to a certain extent, yet it wasn’t as...clear. As soon as he put focus on their bond, his and Black’s bond came in stronger, like a reminder. But despite that, it was quite comforting. She may have been a more unstable and...volatile soul, but he also reminded her of an easier time, oddly enough. She was familiarity and something like that would never go away. 

 

“I’m sorry about being a mess,” Lance muttered, practically falling down onto the bed as he stripped himself of his shirt, pants, socks, everything except his underwear. 

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You know I’m always here for you, whether you’re a mess or not.” He stripped down as well, then crawled under the blanket, pulling Lance close. Keith could feel his breath puffing over his neck, it was a comforting indication that Lance was there, breathing against him, heart beating in his chest, sleeping right next to him. Now it was also a grim reminder that in some parallel universe Keith was sleeping alone, no Lance to breathe against his skin, no cold feet worming their way between his shins. His arms wrapped tighter around him, telling himself that Lance was alive and well and  _ right there _ .

 

“I don’t deserve you.” Lance’s voice came out slightly muffled, but he heard it loud and clear.

 

He replied without pause. “You deserve the world.” 

 

Lance’s eyes peeked up, meeting Keith’s. They slid down to his lips and then back up again, a soft, lopsided smile appeared, his eyebrows tilting upwards. God, how could a man look  _ so _ beautiful? He came closer, tilting his head with a practiced motion, letting their lips slot together. Keith felt the soft skin press against his, he felt remains of the salty tears mingling with the alcohol. It quickly faded as Lance’s hand trailed up to his mullet, his fingers threaded through the locks there and curled into a fist, gently tugging backwards. He let out an involuntary moan, neck becoming bared to hungry eyes. Lance knew  _ exactly _ what made Keith tick and was adamant about using the tricks at his disposal at any given time. 

 

For a moment he almost let things progress, but it felt somewhat inappropriate. Neither of them were really sober and both of them were still shaken by the night’s previous events despite their best efforts to hide it.

 

“Wait...not tonight. We’re both exhausted and neither of us are okay or sober, we should just sleep.” The fist in his hair loosened, slipping to his shoulder instead, smoothing over the skin. 

 

“Mmph.” The noise of confirmation was good enough for Keith as he pulled him closer, turning onto his back so Lance could settle on his chest. Eventually, his breaths stilled, falling into a slow rhythm. A soothing hand carded through his hair, it was so soft, almost unbelievably so. His features had relaxed and for once there was peace on his face. Keith only ever saw that expression when Lance was sleeping, unbothered by everything around them. Sure, he looked happy, occasionally, even genuinely so, but there was never any true peacefulness. Except for nights like these. 

 

Soon, his eyelids began drooping, beginning to slip in and out of consciousness. So he shut them and let the steady breaths and faint hum of the lion lull him to sleep, slumber wrapping around him like a warm blanket. 

 

 

 


	19. tethered with tears in their eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all the wild horses, tethered with tears in their eyes  
> may no man's touch ever tame,  
> may no man's reigns ever chain you  
> and may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul  
> and as for the clouds  
> just let them roll, roll away
> 
> all the wild horses - ray lamontagne

 

 

 

With a violent jerk Lance was torn from sleep and the next moment he wished for nothing else but to return back into unconsciousness. His head pounded something awfully, his eyes hurt to open and his mouth was dry with a disgusting taste that persistently lingered.

 

He began shaking, body tensing up in pure terror and fright. He couldn’t recall much from his nightmares, he never did, all he could remember were bright flashes and painful screams, a horrible darkness and something cold, so cold, why was it so fucking cold?

 

With all of the moving and shivering and snivelling it was a damn miracle that Keith hadn’t woken up yet, but as if the universe heard his thoughts, because of course it could, the other began shifting, barely groaning as he, too, awoke. Though, evidently not as much as Lance.

 

“Lance...” he murmured, arms reaching out to pull him closer. A small smile formed on his lips, still dazed from sleep. Lance couldn’t help but think that it was absolutely beautiful. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more tears blurred up his vision, the more snot formed in his nose and the more violently he began to shake. He couldn’t keep in the soft, quiet sobs, though try as he might to calm himself down. This was bad, because Keith was moving even more and fucking shit he was really waking up now.

 

“What’s the...oh my god, you’re crying. Hey...” he hushed, pulling them both up into a sitting position. The dam broke after that, his lungs were heaving, nose snotty and eyes filling up with tears steadily.

 

Lance wasn’t even completely sure why he was crying, it wasn’t like he wasn’t used to it. The only thoughts that filled his mind were the remnants of his nightmare and the fright that still held an icy grip around his throat, squeezing any semblance of calm he’d managed to hold on to.

 

Something soft began carding through his hair. Fingers, they were fingers. A moment later he began hearing gentle reassurances whispered in his ears, he couldn’t really grasp what they were saying, but he didn’t really care. The fact that they were there at all helped more than he could begin to express. 

 

His tongue soon began untwisting and his tears lessened. His sobs were halted to mere hiccups and it seemed that the night terrors had slipped away into the shadows, leaving him alone, for now. The haze cleared up and he remembered where he was exactly.

 

“Keith... Oh, fuck,” he groaned, slowly tearing himself away from the other’s arms. Every fibre of him protested and he could feel Keith trying to hold on, but they both let go. 

 

_ Just like he always does, just like you always do. God, you’re so fucking pathetic. _

 

There was the cynicism that always pushed through his head after a nightmare. The bitter taste that poisoned his thoughts until he could force it back into its cage. But in this moment it reigned free, unstoppable as it overwhelmed his mind. 

 

“What...what was that?” Keith asked, trying to make eye contact with Lance. 

 

He didn’t want to explain, it made his cheeks and chest burn with shame and humiliation, but maybe that was a sign that he needed to say it. 

 

“Nightmare,” he muttered, letting out a dry, sharp scoff. He’d surprised himself, and evidently Keith as well with how cynical he’d sounded. 

 

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, his hands twitched restlessly at his sides, itching to reach out to him, probably, but he remained still. Lance would wait for Keith to initiate, if he’d even do that.

 

“I can’t remember, I never do. It’s always sorta fuzzy.” They remained static, in some odd form of stalemate.

 

“Can I..?” Keith asked, slowly stretching out his hands, and Lance let himself fall into his chest, but at least he didn’t cry again. Progress, right? 

 

_ Progress would be not crying in the first place. _

 

In a tangle of limbs they settled against the wall, sheets barely covering them. It was too damn cold. Keith seemed at a loss for words, unsurprisingly, but it still felt unsettling. It wasn’t really that silence where Keith had nothing to say, it was the one where he needed to say something, where something should be said, but he just  _ didn’t know _ . 

 

“Maybe sleeping together was a bad idea. If it’ll always end up like this, what’s the point, right? It’s humiliating and I feel like a burden. You’re obviously very awkward about this and it’s just kind of annoying to have to wake up to look after your stupid fucking boyfriend. Who knows if we should even be boyfriends? I’ll probably fuck you up.”

 

He didn’t even care anymore. Didn’t care that he was rude, didn’t care that he went too far, that he was hurting Keith, despite that  _ not _ being his intention.

 

“Shut up,” Keith said. They moved and Lance sat up, even he began fearing his own apathy. 

 

“I can’t. Don’t you see? That’s the fucking point.”

 

“No. You’re so wrong. I know exactly what this is, don’t you think I have nightmares, too? You think everything is pointless and you’re the worst person to ever exist and nothing will ever be good again, but you’re  _ wrong _ ,” he said firmly. Relief flickered in his eyes, but didn’t replace the determination still rooted. Perhaps he needed this just as much as Lance. That was the reason that he didn’t say anything, instead waiting for Keith to continue. 

 

“It’s just a moment, you know just as well as I do that it’ll pass. Don’t feed into it.” 

 

Lance pondered and agreed that the cynicism never stuck around for long. It was always gone by the time that morning came around, why should this time be any different? Everything felt more stupid with every passing moment, the rudeness, that stupid line about not being boyfriends. He really  _ couldn’t _ shut up, could he? Keith was the best thing to ever happen to him, and they both loved each other. He loved Keith, undoubtedly, and despite his head trying to convince him otherwise, he was loved in return. Equally. 

 

“You have no fucking clue how much I love you. None.  _ I  _ don’t even really have a clue. So don’t you dare think that this isn’t worth it. I’d stay up all night a thousand times, a billion times, so long as it made you feel better. If you don’t want to be with me, well, I can’t make you, but holy shit. There is nothing I want more than to be with you.”

 

“I didn’t mean it, that thing about not being boyfriends.” 

 

The arms around him tightened, nose touching the top of his head, gentle lips pressing into the hair. “I know,” Keith murmured.

 

“Do you? Because I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t want you in my life. I will always want you.” Lance gulped at his ever so brutal honesty. Well, not brutal so much as soul-baring. 

 

“I know, I’ll always want you, too.” His reply didn’t go unnoticed, but he made no effort to continue talking. Who knew what other deeply embarrassing, private thought he’d leak? So instead he closed his eyes and let his mind drift away.

 

Partially, he could register Keith singing, or maybe humming on a little melody. It was so soothing, and he was so, so,  _ so _ tired. Lance didn’t even have the energy to make a remark, and instead let the newfound discovery wait until morning. He knew already, that he’d never let Keith live this down. With that thought, the last remnant of consciousness disappeared. He slept through the night, blissfully lacking in dreams.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

As soon as the clock struck eight Keith slowly untangled himself from his boyfriend and tucked the sheets closer, gently moved a pillow under his head, dressed himself, and left. He had some business to tend to. 

 

First agenda of the day, make sure Lance doesn’t wake up alone. 

 

He found his feet almost moved on their own, everything around him faded and his eyes had transitioned into full-on tunnel vision. Keith didn’t pay any mind to Kosmo balancing a rock on his nose that Shiro had placed there, nor did he acknowledge the greeting from either of them. Instead, he continued walking and only stopped once he was at Yellow’s mouth. 

 

“Hunk!” he yelled, cupping his mouth with his hands. Yet, the lion remained unmoving. He was probably still sleeping. He could imagine the hangover being tough. The thought reminded him of his own rough headache pounding at his skull, but he ignored it in favour of the task at hand. 

 

“What’s going on, Keith? Why do you need Hunk?” Shiro asked, making Keith’s head whip in the direction of the voice. 

 

“I have some shit to deal with, but I don’t want Lance to wake up alone,” he explained simply, once more shouting for Hunk. He picked up a pebble and threw it up towards the jaw with no luck. 

 

“Are you sure you can’t wait until Lance wakes up? You seem kind of...riled up, and very few good things come from that.”

 

Shiro was probably right, in hindsight, Keith often (at least partially) regretted his rash decisions, but this was different.

 

_ You always say that. _

 

But it was! This was different. He’d keep his cool... At least more than usual. He knocked on Yellow’s paw, hoping that either Hunk or the lion would just  _ hear him _ . Again, no answer came, so he turned around to talk to Shiro. Kosmo stood there, too, watching him with a cautious face, Keith could sense the disapproval. It was an odd pair with the best of intentions for him, but that didn’t mean they were right.  

 

“So, should I wait a moment? To talk to Allura? ‘Cause I already waited, stayed up almost all night, constantly wondering if I should wake her up and have a word. Are you all just okay with letting her get away with this? How  _ could she? _ ” Keith asked, Kosmo stepped up beside him, nuzzling the side of his thigh. It earned him a gentle head scratch. Keith may be angry, but he couldn’t resist his precious wolf. 

 

“We’re not ‘letting her get away’ with anything. We’ll talk to her, get this stuff sorted out, but don’t...don’t go off and make a mess of it all.” 

 

Keith? Make a mess? Was he serious? If Allura had just told the team from the beginning then perhaps Lance wouldn’t have gone on for  _ months _ and think that no one cared about him. Then they wouldn’t have  _ this _ mess on their hands and maybe things could have been okay, at least better. His fists clenched beside him, which made Kosmo nudge his thigh again, probably noticing the lack of pets and the heightened tension. It reminded Keith to breathe and unclench his fists, reminded him to calm down, if only a little bit.

 

“Allura’s the one who made a mess. In what world would it be okay to not tell anyone that Lance  _ died? _ I mean, come on, Shiro, it would’ve been easier to let it slip than to keep that secret for how long she did. She deliberately hid it from everyone, and for what? Why?”

 

“I don’t know, and neither do you. Which is why we should talk to Allura in a calm manner. If you go and attack her you’ll push her into a corner. Either she’ll clam up and not say anything or she’ll push back. It’s not going to be productive either way. She made a mistake, Keith. Let her redeem it. Go back to Lance, and we’ll talk to her later. She’s had a long night. Let her sleep.”

 

Keith was so fucking pissed off. The worst part was that Shiro was probably right, too. It just wasn’t fair! Lance had tried so hard to be the best version of himself, he always looked for approval even when he masked it as being a pompous goofball. All he wanted was to be appreciated and cared for, but they’d all screwed that up. Keith wasn’t without fault either. He knew that, but he’d done what he could to make it better. What had the rest of them done? Red flashed before his eyes, thinking about how they all failed him. Lance had  _ always _ been there for everyone, without fail, but they’d neglected him when he’d needed them most. 

 

“You know, I don’t even think you’re really angry at Allura. Maybe she’s a part of it, but I think you’re really just pissed off that  _ you _ weren’t there. But I need you to know that—”

 

“Don’t fucking psychoanalyse me! Just go to Lance. I don’t want him to wake up alone. I’m talking to Allura whether you like it or not,” he barked and began storming off to Blue. 

 

“At least give her a chance to explain herself. If you need to cool off, which you definitely do, then go. I’ll look after Lance. Just please, think about this,” he practically begged. He was begging Keith to see reason, and perhaps it was justified. He halted in his firm steps and clenched his fists. 

 

“Just fuck off.” He could hear Shiro pausing, waiting to see what Keith would do. When he remained firmly planted on the ground where he stood, the other left. Hopefully heading to Red, and Lance. 

 

Before he began moving something soft stroked up against his leg and hip. Kosmo. He crouched down and pet him, scratching behind his ear and taking great pleasure in seeing his wolf leaning into the touches.

 

“Who’s a good boy, huh? You are. You like the scritches? You like that?” he cooed, eventually taking a deep breath and leaning against the warm fur. Burying his face in it and revelling in the gentle feeling. It helped him to calm down when he was angry or sad. In fact, Kosmo was always of great help in these kinds of situations. Like the previous night, when he saw the chaos and that Lance was gone he immediately knew what to do. When Keith used to have nightmares while on the space whale Kosmo would cuddle up to him, as close as he could and let Keith sift his fingers through the fur, let him cry into his back, all of that. 

 

“I love you,” he said, gravely. He stared into the wolf’s eyes, wondering if he understood Keith at all. He believed so, in all honesty. A creature that intelligent and intuitive must have some understanding of his words. At least, it felt like it. They all knew that he could understand wills and commands, sense emotions and body language, but he wondered sometimes if he understood actual words, too. Keith wouldn’t have been surprised.

 

Eventually they roamed up on some kind of cliff, overlooking Plaht City. He could see restoration efforts beginning, only vaguely making out trucks being driven, construction sites being built up. He could see the market that people had been talking about. Food and various goods from other planets were being sold. He should go check it out someday.

 

Once he’d watched the people milling about for long enough his mind drifted back to Lance and felt his blood begin to boil again. Kosmo must’ve sensed it and wrapped his tail around Keith’s back, acting as a reminder to not lash out and breathe. 

 

He was so mad at everyone for not noticing, but he had to at least  _ consider _ the possibility that there was guilt involved, more so than anger. It was a given that he blamed himself immensely. If he’d have stayed then perhaps things would have been better. Or at least talked to Lance more, visited more often, asked around to see how he was doing, just fucking noticed that he wasn’t feeling so good. Perhaps a lot of things could have been avoided or noticed before they spiralled out of control. 

 

What made him really mad was the fact that they spent every day and battle and meeting and dinner and moment with Lance, or at least a lot more time than Keith. Shouldn’t they have noticed that he was spiralling? Allura even  _ knew _ the...big event, so to speak, she knew it happened but she kept quiet. Why? What was the reason? How the hell hadn’t the rest of them noticed that he physically stopped being alive? They had sensors, right? Pidge used to analyse the sensors, but they hadn’t always been reliable, and there  _ had _ been a power surge after all, but then again...

 

Keith thought that he didn’t really know all of the details, so he decided not to jump to conclusions. The voice sounded an awful lot like Shiro. It began echoing what he’d said before about not even actually blaming Allura. 

 

No. He definitely blamed Allura, too, but maybe it  _ was _ more on himself. 

 

“What do you think? Am I blaming myself more than Allura?” Keith asked Kosmo. His only response was a lazy perk of his ears and a noise that sounded vaguely displeased. 

 

“Yeah. I figured you’d say that.”

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

Back in the red lion Lance was waking up again, this time only mildly uncomfortable. His hangover had truly taken on in the form of a incessant pounding that never seemed to stop and a dryness in his mouth. Not to mention the mild nausea brewing in his stomach.

 

The second thing he noticed was the fact that the bed was really cold. The lack of another body’s warmth troubled him. It meant that Keith had left. Why had he left? Why had he left Lance all alone? There was a lump forming in his throat and his eyes stung as he reached for the other’s pillow and held it tightly to his chest. It didn’t really help, but it was better than nothing.

 

“Hey, you’re awake,” a voice murmured. Shiro. Shiro? Wait, what was he doing there? Unwilling as he was, he wrenched his eyes open to see the man sitting on a crate by his bed.

 

“Where’s Keith? Is he alright?” was the first thing out of his mouth. Shiro took a deep breath and gave Lance a sympathetic smile.

 

“Keith, he...he needed to cool off, but he didn’t want you to wake up alone. So, here I am.”

 

“Oh.” Keith needed to ‘cool off’? It was unsurprising, but oddly vague. What could’ve made him so mad that he left Lance alone? He’d probably be back soon, though, right? 

 

He decided that he didn’t want to think too hard about that and instead focused on the fact that he couldn’t even bring himself to look Shiro in the eyes. They hadn’t had a moment alone, just the two of them since...well, since forever. At least not without being in mortal danger or busy as fuck. It made Lance realise that he felt awkward as hell. 

 

But Shiro... He didn’t look awkward or even mildly uncomfortable. He remained unphased and unbothered. It was as if he didn’t remember what had happened on the astral plane. Didn’t remember the one time that he could have been saved from being stuck. The one moment where he could have come back. Did he not hold any resentment for the fact that Lance fucked up worse than anyone else on the team had ever done? 

 

“But since I’m here anyway, maybe we could talk? We haven’t really had the chance to, what with all of the...other things going on.” 

 

“Pfft, we’ve talked loads of times.” Lance said, waving it away. His charm and humour was turning back on, thankfully. He still felt like death itself, but hey, being a part of the living dead was one step up from being dead, at least.

 

_ Ouch, too soon. _

 

“Oh? Because I seem to recall that you’ve kind of avoided me ever since I came back from the dead.”

 

_ Wow. Way to be blunt, Shiro. _

 

“You’re crazy, dude. Why would I avoid you?” Lance wasn’t oblivious, he knew that he’d been avoiding Shiro, at least a little bit. The man was so goddamn nice and amazing and Lance felt like a fool in front of him. For years he’d idolised him, looked up to him, wanted to make him proud, and then he completely screwed it. But  _ still _ Shiro didn’t seem to resent him. Still he treated Lance with respect, and still he did his best to take care of him, despite Lance failing to return the favour.

 

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

 

Lance visibly flinched, Shiro sure wasn’t playing games and Lance wasn’t worming his way out of it. Not when everyone...when everyone had been there and heard his stupid confession. He was sure that there wouldn’t be a moment's peace for the foreseeable future.

 

“You know how...you...you tried to talk to me, in the astral plane? Back on Olkarion? It was quite a while ago, but, uh, I mean, you remember it, right?” 

 

Shiro hummed, watching to see where Lance was taking it. 

 

“I didn’t hear you,” Lance whispered, “or didn’t pick up on it, or just couldn’t stay long enough, or something...”

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I guess I just wanted to...fuck, I don’t know.” Lance could feel the hint of a sob crawling up his throat, tears just barely brimming in the corners of his eyes. 

 

“Hey. You can talk to me. I’m listening.”

 

“I screwed up, Shiro. If I’d have just  _ listened _ to you then you would’ve been brought back sooner, or at least we’d know about your...clone. If I hadn’t been so goddamn  _ stupid _ , then...” A hand on his shoulder halted him in his sentence, making him take a deep breath in and exhale, looking Shiro in the eyes. He hadn’t even noticed him moving from the crate and to the edge of the bed.

 

“I don’t blame you for that,  _ no one _ blames you for that,” Shiro said, his voice had lowered, laced with sincerity. Lance just chuckled cynically. 

 

“Maybe they should.” 

 

“Or maybe  _ you’re _ the one who needs to not be so hard on yourself, ever considered that?” 

 

No, in fact he hadn’t, why would he? 

 

“It’s not just a little slip-up, or a mistake! It was your life, it was the safety of everyone around me, of everyone in the universe. Luckily, I didn’t get anyone killed, but I could’ve... I could’ve.” 

 

“Lance, it’s okay.” 

 

Lance groaned, why did everyone keep saying that? He messed up! Why was Shiro so understanding when he should be angry? He failed everyone, and they act like he spilled a glass of water. Why was no one taking this seriously?

 

“No, it’s not! I messed up. Shiro, I...I failed you.”

 

“Lance. Hey, stop that, just stop for a moment and listen to me.” Yet again, Shiro’s hand reached out to grab Lance by his shoulder, grounding him. Their eyes met, practically forcing him to listen to the older man. 

 

“I need you to hear this. Okay?” Shiro asked, eyes searing themselves onto Lance’s retinas. He couldn’t look away if he wanted to. 

 

“Okay.”

 

“I forgive you,” Shiro spoke, every word heavy and emphasised, important. Lance began to shake his head, but the grip on his shoulders tightened. “No. Lance.  _ I forgive you _ .”

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because you need to hear it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Or maybe it was on me, maybe I wasn’t strong enough to reach out to you? Have you thought about that?” 

 

Lance paused, no, that was unreasonable. This was in no way Shiro’s fault. 

 

“All I’m saying is that no one person is to blame for that, and I’m back now,” he said, as if reading his thoughts. Was he that open of a book? No, he definitely wasn’t, but it seemed that Shiro could see right through him. 

 

“If you hadn’t made it...”

 

“I  _ did _ make it, though.” None of them said anything for a while.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, lip trembling as he slowly fell apart in Shiro’s hold. 

 

“I know, and I forgive you. I’m so proud of you.” 

 

The hands on his shoulder slowly wrapped around Lance’s body, pulling him in for a comforting hug. He wasn’t going to cry. He refused. He tried to distract himself by focusing on how Shiro’s metal arm was kind of cold against his bare skin, but despite that it was almost impossible not to think of how his resolve was slowly crumbling. 

 

“Thank you, Lance.” 

 

A sob wracked through his chest. 

 

“No, please don’t. Please, don’t say that.”

 

“But you deserve it. Through all of this time you’ve always been there for everyone. You were there when Keith was doubting himself as the black paladin, you were there for him after Naxzela, you were there for...my clone, essentially me, as a right-hand man even when he was being difficult to you. You were there for Allura when her confidence was wavering. You’ve always been supportive of everyone around you. You’re the heart of Voltron, and you always will be. So thank you.” 

 

It was a tough pill to swallow, and Lance didn’t want to swallow it. He’d screwed up so many things, and even if he hadn’t, they didn’t need him and he was  _ certainly _ not the heart of Voltron. Or at least, he didn’t feel like it.  _ Allura  _ was the heart. Pidge was the genius, Hunk was the mechanic, Coran was the engineer, Shiro and Keith were the leaders, and even though Shiro had been replaced he was still needed as captain of the Atlas and general at the Garrison. Lance was just...there.

 

But another thought came into his head, spawned from Shiro’s words. Maybe he  _ was _ good for something? Lance trusted Shiro, he wouldn’t lie or say anything that he didn’t mean. Right? It was hard to believe it, but maybe he could consider it. 

 

“Do you really mean all that?”

 

“With all my heart.”

 

Lance’s arms squeezed around Shiro’s waist, his nose burying into his shoulder as small sniffles came through. Even though he would have willingly stayed there all day, he knew that he needed to let go before it turned awkward. 

 

“Thanks, I think I really needed that.” 

 

Shiro chuckled and let go, giving them both some breathing room. “Didn’t I say so?”

 

“You did.”

 

“And just in case you weren’t convinced, let me ask you something. Imagine I had reached out to Pidge, or I don’t know, Allura, and they’d have faded, just like you. Imagine them blaming themselves like you blame yourself. Would you tell them that it was their fault? That they were stupid and that they fucked up? Would you blame them like you blame yourself?”

 

“No, because that’s...” Lance trailed off and looked away. 

 

“Different?” he asked, and Lance wanted to nod. To tell him that it  _ was _ different, but he had nothing to say. 

 

Could he really say that he wasn’t to blame? Could that truly be something he could accept?

 

“You would never hold anyone else in your life to the standards you hold yourself to. None of us would. It’s good to have high standards for ourselves, and we don’t need to criticise everyone around us, but just try to think about it for a moment. If Keith were beating himself up about something like this you would tell him something similar to what I’ve told you. You’d be worried that Keith was so upset, and be upset yourself. So why is it that, when you do it, you’re the worst person in the world? Does that make any sense to you?”

 

His head hit the wall behind him, gently thudding against it. Shiro was making his mind melt right now. It was an entirely new perspective that he hadn’t even thought about. Ever. Now he had, though, and it was so...refreshing? There was a weight lifted off his shoulders, his breathing felt a little bit easier. 

 

Why  _ did _ he hold such immeasurably high standards to himself when he would never expect anyone else to hold them? Was that the reason why he felt so replaceable? Why he felt so average and...not good enough? Because apparently he was fine, good even, in everyone else’s eyes, but to himself he wasn’t enough?

 

It made his vision spin and his head pound, the nausea had worsened. It may have been the hangover, but this new realisation definitely played a part in it. While it was still relieving, it was too much at once. He was definitely not ready for this, but it was nice to know that perhaps there was a world in which Lance didn’t have to feel this way and where perhaps he could see himself as everyone else seemed to see him, too. 

 

“You’ve, uh, been silent for quite a while,” Shiro said, scratching the back of his neck. Lance was pulled back down into reality.

 

“I think this worsened my hangover.”

 

“Oh.” The uncertainty and slight disappointment was clear.

 

Lance was quick to reassure him. “But thank you. I...I needed it. I just think it’ll be easier to grasp it once I don’t feel like death.” He closed his eyes and sunk further into the mattress, groaning quietly. He could hear rustling and then a weight lifting from the bed.

 

“I’ll go get you some painkillers and water and then I’ll let you sleep. Keith will probably be back soon, too. Okay?” he asked, but Lance was way past being conscious enough to respond. He’d fallen asleep before Shiro had even come back.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is still some more sad boi hours coming up, but i promise the angst will end soon! gaah, i can't believe this story is ending soon! my wednesday evenings will feel so empty :( 
> 
> anyway, it's too soon to be sad about the ending! enjoy this chapter fellas!


	20. calpol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and you know when the sun dies none of this will matter half as much as you thought  
> learn a little self love cause you're not half as bad as you thought  
> nobody gets exactly what they want  
> what do you want?
> 
> calpol - cavetown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo sorry for being away, school has been kicking my ass lately and i've had kind of a writer's block, but don't worry! i will 100% finish the fic, it's not that long now, guys! hope you enjoy the new chapter <3

 

 

 

Keith had stayed there on the cliffside for maybe two hours and talked to Kosmo, not really caring if he understood or not. Sometimes he’d feel his eyes slip shut, and tried to fall asleep, but the incessant pounding in his head was gruelling and prevented him for slipping away.

 

Eventually he felt that he’d cooled off enough. Enough to at least go back and check on Lance. God, what an idiot he was. Leaving Lance alone? Now? How could he think for a second that yelling at Allura was more important than being with Lance and making sure that he was alright? Especially after what had happened in the middle of the night.

 

Keith slowly stood up and made his way down and back to their campsite or whatever it was. Kosmo was trailing not far behind, taking his time to smell everything and really get to enjoy Earth. It really was the little things. It helped get his mind off how tired his limbs were and how fuzzy everything felt.

 

Once he’d finally gotten back he found that everyone had pretty much woken up. Hunk, Pidge, Allura and Romelle were sitting on Green’s ramp and eating breakfast. Probably leftovers from yesterday.

 

No, upon further inspection he saw the yellow speeder by Green and plastic bags beside them. So they’d apparently managed to go to the store and back, and begun eating.

 

He also noticed that neither Lance nor Shiro were there, which probably meant that Lance hadn’t woke up yet. Hangover must’ve hit him hard. He took determined steps up to Red, not even bothering to look over at Green, lest he and Allura make eye contact and he freaks out. Nobody needed that right now.

 

Once he was finally inside (despite almost giving in to Hunk waving him over) he saw Lance fast asleep, Shiro sitting beside him on one of the crates and reading some random book that he’d seen him holding earlier. There was an empty glass of what probably used to be water and some painkillers next to the bed.

 

“Did he wake up yet?” he asked. Shiro jumped about two feet in the air out of fear. The side of Keith’s mouth twitched upwards and he sat down by the foot of the bed.

 

“Geez, Keith,” he said, taking a hold of his chest, “I almost had a heart attack! But yes, he did wake up. I...we had a chat, and I think it went well. You never know though, with that head of his.”

 

Keith hummed in agreement, looking at the love of his life, soundly asleep. How could Keith not have known? Sure, he’d been away a lot, but still. If it was this major, and this impactful, why hadn’t he seen it? He could hardly even remember those calls from back then anymore and it felt horrible. He wished that he could’ve remembered exactly how Lance looked, what he’d said, how he’d acted, if he could’ve just _noticed_. But no. He didn’t. He was too wrapped up with the war and his own stupid head. If he’d just stayed, stop being so goddamn afraid...

 

“You know he loves you like crazy, right?” Shiro paused and placed his bookmark in the book and put it down beside him. “When he first woke up, the first thing he did was to stretch his arm out next to him and grab your pillow. He was reaching for you, Keith. Then, the first thing he asks is where you are and if you’re alright. Then it kind of turned into a conversation about...well, he’ll tell you if he wants to. It wasn’t about you, at least. Then he fell asleep. He woke up to take the water and medicine I got him and passed out again. Sometimes he’d barely wake up, just mumbling something. At first I kind of wanted to laugh, ‘cause he’s so adorable, like a damn baby. Then I hear that he’s mumbling your name. He looked kind of worried, stretched out his arm, grabbed your pillow and fell asleep again.”

 

Keith wasn’t really surprised, but he certainly didn’t expect to hear it. He couldn’t even really come up with a reasonable response or reaction, expect to blurt out exactly what his head was thinking.

 

“I don’t think I will ever love someone as much as I love him...” Keith said and sighed, tilting his head slightly. “Don’t tell him I told you this, or I will literally murder you in your sleep, but...I...I have no idea what’ll happen in the future, but if I could it have my way I would spend the rest of my life with him. God, that’s so weird to say... But maybe he’ll...maybe we’ll drift apart for whatever reason, break up or whatever else might separate us, but despite that, I know that I will never, I’m telling you, Shiro, _never_ love someone as much as I love him.”

 

They locked eyes for a moment and there was something forlorn in his expression. Shiro swallowed hard and looked away.

 

“Are you okay?” Keith asked, ready to move and hug the man.

 

“Yeah, no, I was just...Adam.” His shoulder sunk and his body kind of...sacked in on itself.

 

Keith realised that they hadn’t really talked about him at all. The war had kept them so busy that he hadn’t even checked in to make sure he was okay. It wasn’t like he didn’t know about Adam, but just...hadn’t gotten around to having a conversation yet. He felt kind of awful for it.

 

“God, yeah. We haven’t really talked about...that...” Keith noted and moved further up beside Lance. Truth be told he was itching just to be able to just touch him. Was that weird? Probably, but hey, he was in love.

 

_Ew, since when did you become so cheesy?_

 

“And honestly, I don’t really want to. I’ve just been...dealing with it on my own. Thought about seeing a therapist, just to have someone to unload to, but just never got around to it. I will though,” he promised. Keith hoped that he’d live up to that promise. He had to talk to _someone_ and who better than a professional?

 

“That’s good, but uhm...I mean, if you ever, uhm, if you wanna, I mean, talk, or something, I’m willing to...y’know.” Keith, ever the wordsmith. He spewed something out, hardly even comprehensible, but with Shiro it was the thought that counted. They knew each other well enough for that.

 

“Yeah, thank you. I will. Just...” Shiro paused and looked at Lance for a moment, and then back to Keith. “Don’t let him go. Please. Don’t ever let him go and don’t take him for granted.”

 

It was a plea rather than a warning and Keith took it to heart. If only to not have to see Shiro cry. It always felt like a knife twisting in his gut.

 

“I won’t.”

 

They were silent after that. There was no anticipation in the air. The conversation was without a doubt over, and neither of them were in any rush to leave. It felt peaceful, but still, it wasn’t quite happiness.

 

Keith was once again reminded of his pounding headache and decided that he’d lie down. He snuggled his body next to Lance, but still had his back to him, looking at Shiro.

 

“Do you want me to go?” he asked Keith.

 

He was really tired, and wasn’t really in the mood for talking right now, so perhaps that was a good idea. He nodded.

 

“Okay. Get some rest. I’ll call you down for lunch.”

 

He huffed and tried to remember the time frame from waking up, sitting on the cliff and coming back, but nothing came up. He hated time. Why couldn’t it just stop moving, or maybe move a bit clearer. “What time is it?”

 

“It’s 12 o’clock. So it won’t really be lunch, I guess, but food. Go ahead and sleep. I’ll go check on the others. I’m sure an Altean with a hangover is amusing enough. Oh, and I’ll take Kosmo with so you can sleep in peace.”

 

“Okay, thanks. Let me know if Romelle pukes. Bye,” he slurred and already began falling asleep. The last thing he heard was Shiro’s chuckle. His arms were now gently but steadily wrapped around Lance, pulling him in as close as he could get. There was no better place in the world to fall asleep.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

He hadn’t exactly had a pleasant dream, but it was at least neutral. Something about floating through clouds and having frogs on his toes. He’d gotten some sleep which was all that mattered. His headache had lessened slightly, but there was still a faint throbbing.

 

As he came closer to being fully awake he noticed arms wrapped around him, hugging him close. A warm body pressed against his back. So, Keith was back. Shiro must’ve left, too. He couldn’t hear the turning of any pages or shifting. Lance took the liberty of pressing his boyfriend’s hands up to his face, littering gentle kisses all over them. He felt undeserving of all the love Keith had given him and this was the only way to repay it.

 

Sure, that may have been a tiny bit dramatic, but really, he just wanted Keith to feel just as loved as he made Lance feel.

 

“I love you,” he whispered, not expecting Keith to hear it, that is until there came a response.

 

“Say that to my face, asshole,” Keith joked, voice quiet and gentle. Lance quickly turned around, smiling tiredly when he saw the equally dark rings and heavy bags under his eyes.

 

“Wow, you’re such a romantic. How _did_ you know I’ve always wanted my boyfriend to call me ‘asshole’?” Lance rolled his eyes and let his gaze fall on Keith and let him trace his fingertips over his cheekbones and rest on his cheek.

 

“I guess I’m just a natural or something.”

 

“Yeah...you are.”

 

They stayed like that for a while longer, moving closer and just staring into each other’s eyes, it felt intimate, even mesmerising, in fact.

 

“Where did you go?” Lance finally asked, once they’d stared for long enough. One of them had to say something at _some_ point. Besides, it had been a pressing question since he woke up the first time. To Lance’s surprise Keith looked bashful, but serious.

 

“I went to talk to Allura. I was so fucking pissed about...about her hiding the fact that you died and I wanted her to know that. Shiro convinced me to leave her alone, for that moment. I still needed to cool off, though. I sent him up so you wouldn’t wake up alone.”

 

Lance didn’t really know how to react. Any mention of the previous night made him feel sick, but what felt even more sick was that Allura was taking heat for something that Lance was responsible for. It didn’t sit right with him that she had to take the blame when _Lance_ asked her to not tell anyone. God, he couldn’t even begin to imagine the guilt she felt.

 

“It’s not her fault, you know. I _asked_ her not to tell anyone,” Lance said, looking away from him and instead watching his fingers trace over the silhouette of Keith’s shoulders.

 

“That’s _your_ mistake, Lance. Her mistake was listening to you... Before you start defending her, I want to know if you would’ve done the same for me. If I had died and come back, and I told you not to tell anyone, because ‘it’s not important’ would you have listened?”

 

“Keith, I...that’s not...it’s—”

 

“Different? Do you hear yourself? Your life matters just as much as our lives! To me, fuck, to me it’s worth even more. Where along the line did you forget that?”

 

They were both left speechless for a moment, Keith wondered what was going through Lance’s head. He, himself, on the other hand, was trying to process Keith’s words.

 

When _did_ he forget that? When had his bravado gone from genuine to a facade? Lance was pretty sure that it had always been a facade, at least partially, but now it was so much worse. He wasn’t even sure where the facade began and the genuity ended. Had it always been this way? Had he just been so good at hiding it that he forgot, too?

 

“Please don’t be mad at Allura,” Lance finally whispered, he didn’t know what else to say. Everything felt too heavy to speak about, as if it would break him to even try.

 

Keith looked deep in thought, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip and a crease forming between his brows. Lance reached up to smooth it out, fingertips spreading out over his cheekbone and thumb gently going over the crease until it disappeared.

 

“I’m more worried about you, right now. I want to know how to fix this, you, everything, I don’t know. I just want to make you feel better.”

 

Lance’s chest tightened and he decided to roll onto his back, away from Keith. How was Keith supposed to fix him? Fix anything? How was he supposed to fix _himself?_ Could he even do that? Or was he beyond fixing? No, he didn’t _really_ believe that. But, the questions made his head pound and the hangover just made it worse. He needed to stop, for now.

 

“Keith, I can’t think about fixing myself when I have a hangover that’s making me want to delete my head from existence.”

 

“Well, you can’t keep avoiding it forever.”

 

Lance took a deep breath in. “I know,” he said and exhaled heavily.

 

They’d both found themselves with nothing left to say. They’d hit a dead end, so to speak. Lance wasn’t really in the mood to get up, he knew his body wouldn’t move unless he really strained himself and the mere thought of sun made bile rise in his throat.

 

“Come on, let’s go eat breakfast,” Keith murmured, slowly moving to sit up and Lance wanted to fucking scream, he had no will to move from the bed, talk to people, eat, do anything that a normal human probably should do.

 

He pulled the pillow out from under his head and let out a loud groan letting the pillow muffle his noises of complaint, and perhaps shield him from the horrors of the world. If he was smothered in the process that was just a plus.

 

“I don’t want to get up.”

 

“Me neither, but you know that Shiro is going to hound us until we do.”

 

Would it be worth it? Would the extra thirty-or-so minutes of rest be worth a nagging Shiro? Probably not. If he went out he could eat, drink, look vaguely alive and crawl back into Red and hide away until his head decided to stop punishing him for drinking. Then there was also the fact that Keith might blow up at Allura if they went out there, Lance was _so_ not in the mood for a confrontation right now. Even if he didn’t partake, the subject matter very much involved him.

 

Slowly, Lance pulled the pillow away from his face, eyes peeking up at Keith who was looking down on him with something akin to pity, but less condescending, something that made him feel uncomfortable, but loved at the same time.

 

“Promise me you won’t yell at Allura, or anyone. I don’t want to fight, I just want to eat and get back here as fast as possible. I hate being the centre of a pity party, even less when I’m hungover,” he asked, no, begged.

 

Keith looked contemplative for a moment, and then worried, a hand smoothed Lance’s tousled hair out, then gently scratching his scalp, making goosebumps rise all over his skin.

 

“I promise that I’ll try. If she doesn’t start things I won’t either.”

 

“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” Lance huffed, but sat up anyway, slowly, as to not cry out in pain. Though as he braced for the inevitable pounding he soon realised that it never came. The painkillers must’ve been good for something at least.

 

“Look, I don’t want to get up either, but I’d take half an hour of awkward breakfast over Shiro’s pestering any day.”

 

“Fine... I guess you’re right,” he grumbled. So, even though his every movement was deliberately sluggish and slow he managed to push the blanket off, get his clothes on, _some_ clothes, at least, he was pretty sure he was wearing one of Keith’s shirts, it was a bit tight in the shoulders, and not something he’d pick out personally. It also smelled of Keith, which made it good enough for Lance. Finally he slipped into his shoes and felt ready enough to go outside.

 

He felt Keith’s hand slip into his. Oh, right. _Now_ he was ready.

 

Once the sun hit his eyes he closed them, groaning as daylight made a nauseous lump form in his throat and his head pound in alarm. It was better than before, though. He’d had his fair share of hangovers (perhaps he’d gone to a few more house parties than he probably should have) but he didn’t remember them being this awful. Sure, he hadn’t had a drink since they’d left, but even then, he figured his heightened pain tolerance would have made up for it. Yet, there he was, wishing he were anywhere else.

 

“Come on, one foot in front of the other, y’know, like humans do? It’s called walking?” Keith teased with fondness lacing his words.

 

“Ha ha. You’re one to talk, Galra boy.” Slowly, he began walking closer and closer to Green, and he could already feel everyone staring at the both of them.

 

“Galra boy, that’s the best you could come up with?” Keith mused, trying to keep the situation light, and it helped more than he thought it would.

 

“I have a hangover, shut up. Perhaps I should go back to princess?”

 

“Hmph, do that in front of the team and I’ll make you regret it.”

 

A small smirk flashed across Lance’s face and some of the tension eased away as they walked, but as soon as he looked up at everyone’s tired faces it came back and made his throat seize up and his muscles tense, he felt like a giant, walking neon sign.

 

“Good morning,” Pidge and Hunk said, almost in unison. It would’ve been funny, but it seemed that no one was up for humour.

 

“Hi, Lance,” Allura said and gave him an awkward smile, which Lance returned. What a mess he’d made.

 

“I regret everything,” Romelle said, groaning as she took a bite out of her sandwich. Truly, she looked like she’d had a worse night than he’d had. She had dark circles and bags under her eyes and her whole body was sacked in on itself from exhaustion. It seemed that she was the only one up for pretending that everything was fine, or at least, not _as_ bad as it actually was.

 

“Booze hit you hard, huh?” To which Romelle nodded and groaned. Lance said sat down on the floor beside Pidge and Hunk, he pat the floor next to him, urging Keith to sit down, which, thankfully, he did. Finally, he could lean on his shoulder instead of having to sit up on his own, it was fucking torture.

 

“Hey, I was just gonna go get you,” Shiro said, coming out from Green with a cup of coffee.

 

“Seems you were too slow, old man,” Keith teased, but no one responded to it, hardly even Shiro.

 

Finally, they were all sat down and began eating. The rest had already begun, condiments, loafs of bread and coffee cups strewn in the circle they’d all sat down in. Other than the initial greetings and some ‘can you pass me’s they remained quiet, terrified of disrupting the so far calm atmosphere they had kept.

 

That is, until everyone began leaving. Hunk and Pidge went into Green and Romelle said that she wanted to go check up on Nadia. Shiro offered to take his speeder and take her back to Garrison grounds.

 

And then there were three.

 

Initially, it wasn’t too bad, Keith wasn’t acting weirder than one could expect. He didn’t say anything, granted, they’d all been very silent during breakfast. Allura didn’t say anything either and Lance just wanted to finish his coffee so he could get back into his cocoon and pretend that nothing was happening and that he could hide away from the world a little bit longer.

 

But nothing was ever that easy. Especially not when Lance wanted it to be.

 

“Lance, do you mind if we have a little, uhm, talk? I...I guess I just have a few things I’d like to say to you,” Allura said, her hands fiddling with her pants, eyes only occasionally flickering up to meet his.

 

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, but Allura didn’t speak, instead she looked up at Keith with an apologetic smile.

 

“Keith, uhm, would you mind giving us a moment? I think this is something I’d like to say to Lance in private.”

 

Lance immediately looked to Keith who had tensed up, the hand that had already taken Lance’s into his gripped tightly onto it, he looked ready to explode with something to say, but managed to tear his eyes away from Allura’s to Lance’s.

 

Quickly, Lance did his best to diffuse the situation. “I’ll be fine, really. I know you’re worried, but I...I just need to talk to her, okay?” His words were quiet, hushed, hoping to instill some calm in Keith and it must’ve worked, because Keith took a deep breath, let go of Lance’s hand and gave him a weak smile.

 

“Okay, I...I’ll see you later,” he said and slowly stood up, giving Allura a rather nasty stink eye before leaving and retreating into Red.

 

“So...” Allura said, awkwardly clasping her hands together in her lap.

 

“Look, Allura, I know you feel like you have to apologise to me, and I don’t know if Keith said anything to you, because he said that he didn’t, but who even knows, and oh, geez, I’m rambling, but uh...really, don’t beat yourself up over it,” he blurted and moved closer to her.

 

Allura looked down and then back up at Lance. “Does Keith hate me now? I know we were never really close before, but...have I ruined it now?”

 

Lance wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled them close to his chest.

 

“No, and even if he does hate you, he’s totally overreacting—”

 

“If Keith is angry with me that is completely justified! _I’m_ angry with me! I should never have promised you to keep that stupid secret! Lance, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m sorry, truly. I never meant for something like this to happen, I just thought that...oh I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so caught up with Lotor and myself and the war, it was stupid.”

 

Everyone kept saying that he should have told them then and there, which was probably true, because now it became a big deal since he’d technically lied to them, and dragged Allura in on it, too. Still the question remained to him, was he really worth all of the trouble? Couldn’t it just be over and done with? It was out in the open, he was alive, no one was _really_ hurt, couldn’t they all let things go?

 

“I’m not angry with you. I really don’t feel like I need an apology,” he murmured into her hair and it felt like he was just repeating himself over and over again. Were they all deaf?

 

“You’re owed one, and I think that deep down, you want one. You pretend to be a self-absorbed, goofy clown, but you’ve also become known to us as one of the most selfless ones on the team. You try to not demand too much, but deep-down, Lance, I know you just wish that everyone had cared and I wish that we’d have shown it better. Please, for once, listen to that part, if only to be able to move on.”

 

It was silent for a while, and for once, Lance decided to heed Allura’s words. Or at least try to.

 

“Do you really believe that...that you shouldn’t have hid my death? That...that _I_ shouldn’t have hid it?” he asked and closed his eyes. He felt that familiar lump in his throat, tears burning behind his eyes, but they never fell.

 

She nodded and pulled away from the embrace with soft touches and ease. While looking up at him, she cupped his face and stroked her thumbs over Lance’s cheekbones.

 

“I believe that you deserved better, you deserve support and I wish that you would’ve never had to isolate yourself the way that you did.”

 

There was a deep, deep breath, but instead of heavy, it felt fresh. For the briefest moment Lance almost felt like something good had come of the confession after all. Maybe the good thing hadn’t come yet, but more so that it would come. Maybe slowly, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few years, but something was...shifting.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed, feel free to leave a comment (they feed my soul) and a kudos  
> here's my tumblr: clumsyclouds  
> here's my beta's tumblr: atrickoflight
> 
> also, thank you so, so, so much to my amazing beta who has worked so hard to make this fic as good as it can be, leave some love for her too! <3


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